View Full Version : Helioptile's Shocking Reviews!

10-30-2013, 09:03 PM
Alright, like Light, I'm gonna do this from least to most favorite and shit, so, let's begin! First up, Easter Bunny vs Genghis Khan!

Beat: Woo boy, first beat review! While the beat was repetitive, it was pretty catchy. I can't forget it no matter how hard I try. However, catchy doesn't necessarily mean good. I could see it relating to EB perfectly, but when I picture Genghis Khan I don't picture a soft peppy beat. I would picture something dark and slower. It would've been awesome if they had a beat that represented war and peace and melded it together! 4.5/10

Costumes & Impressions: First, The Easter Bunny. Umm, I guess it's hard to pull off an actual rabbit look. However I'm pretty sure rabbits aren't bipedal. (I mean, who else doesn't want to see Pete on all fours?) Also, we haven't heard the Easter Bunny talk, because he doesn't exist foo! So I'll give him a slide on that. 5/10 Now for Genghis Khan. The armor was decent, but I would've pictured a more metallic look to it. The face is actually a bit thin, but not too much, so it doesn't affect the score greatly. Though based on the paintings and statues, the mustache was a bit different, as well as the beard. It's not a bad costume by any means, though, so 6.5/10 Total: 11.5/20

He Deserves To Be Arrogant: Honestly, EB's only good line was the last line. It took a good ol urban legend and turned it into a genderbending dis, ouch! The rest, I'm not feeling as much. It feels he was giving more of a biography than a rap. And other then the last line, he was just stating facts, which wouldn't even hurt me if I was Khan. I guess the rapist line was ok, but Easter Bunny complimented Khan with the Great Wall line. That's like telling Din, "The great Rob couldn't keep you from being Admin!" 4/10

Wrath of Khan: This verse was a bit better than ol hip-hop's. Not too much boasting, and a lot of dissing... Unfortunately the lines were pretty average. The Peeps line was pretty hilarious. The silly rabbit line was a decent reference to Trix, but it was pretty obvious. I love the threat at the end, even though he carried it on for four lines. This was a meh verse. 5.5/10

Keep it Peaceful, Homeboy Jesus: What, just what the fuck is this verse? This ain't Epic Reconciling Battles of History, it's Epic RAP Battles of History! I like how they added Jesus, though, but the 'threat' in the end was nothing compared to Khan's. Horrible, horrible verse, somewhat saved by the hilarity of the Jesus line. 3/10

His DNA's in Dudes from New York to Japan: The first line was a decent boast, but the next was hilariously delivered. It doesn't help his position in the rap battle, though, but he doesn't need it. The last two lines were more than enough to butcher Easter Bunny and his family. The Hallmark line was just pure fucking gold! However, compared to verses from other rap battles, this is still pretty low. Good for this battle, though, so 7/10

Overall: This battle holds a very special place in my urinal. No ERB battle is horrible, but this is as close as they're gonna get. The beat was decent, but the verses were, ugh. Though Khan's last verse was pretty good by the standards of this battle. Other than that, I just couldn't get into it. This battle was just such a joke. (Shush Dion.)

Easter Bunny: 7/20
Genghis Khan: 12.5
Overall Score: 35.5/70

KHAN'S BEST LINE: You're a fluffy bitch mascot for Hallmark in denial!
EASTER BUNNY'S BEST LINE: Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina!

KHAN'S WORST LINE:You've got two giant ears but can't hear that you suck!
EASTER BUNNY'S WORST LINE: The Great Wall couldn't keep you outta China.

(Just so you know, the order I like these from least to greatest, and the actual scores, may be inconsistent. XP)

10-30-2013, 09:04 PM
I completely disagree with this review.
But I like it.
I want more.

10-30-2013, 09:05 PM
I would've rated the beat higher personally, but still, good job.

10-30-2013, 09:12 PM
Personally I like the two giant ears line but to each their own =P

10-30-2013, 09:26 PM


10-31-2013, 08:50 PM
Time for my next least favorite battle, and what a surprise it's... Sarah Palin vs Lady Gaga. Who knew right!? *sarcasm :p

Beat: This beat, well it's certainly bubbly and hip-hoppity, or whatever the right word is. It's not a catchy as Khan vs Bunny, but I like it better and it suits both rappers more. The intro to the beat is what I remember most, though, but the other parts weren't horrible. Though I wish there was less repetition and a little more something else. I can't quite place my finger on it. I'll give this beat a 6/10.

Costumes & Impressions: Alright let's start with soccer mo-, I mean Sarah Palin. First of all, the costume is nearly flawless. She's got the hair, the glasses, skintone, everything! Her suit is also very Palinish, but now onto her voice. It certainly captured the accent and the style, but it was just a mite bit high pitch. If the voice was a bit deeper, it would have been golden. 9/10 Lady Gaga, whew, uh... Well, considering she was played by a man here, decent. The skin was overexaggerated, though, but the suit seemed like something Gaga would wear. The hair seemed pretty damn off, though, but that might be my perception due to the hat. The voice was definitely feminine, but a little croaky. I'll cut a bit of slack due to Pete being the voice, though. 5/10
Total: 14/20

Oh Boy, Look Who We Have Here!: While this verse isn't anything to brag to your uncle about, it had some pretty good disses. The tranvestite line was alright, but the little monsters and the two lines after it were slightly above average. She did kinda drag on some disses, and skipped around the point at times, but either way, they were delivered. The dog dis was a bit too generic for my likes, but it worked. Oh, and looks like Palin agrees with my croaky comment. :p 5.5/10

Her Music Just Scares You: Gaga starts this verse off pretty strong, but slowly starts trickling down into a pool of everlasting uncertainty. The Smurf line was the highlight of the verse in my opinion. The principal of a homeschool line was average, maybe a bit higher. The Jackon fucking Five line was good, but not as much as the first line. The pregnant line wasn't delivered the best it could, and the last two lines after that was a pretty poor ending for Gaga. However this was still stronger than Palin's first verse. 6/10

Killed Moose with her Bare Hands: Palin picks it up a bit this verse and goes hard (in the paint.) Just ooh nearly all the way through. Palin's first line didn't really come out the best way possible, but the second line was a nice little boast. The Madonna and piranha lines combined was the perfect use of a diss. 6.5/10

She Sounds More Intelligent than you When she Farts: Alright, funny delivery, horrible execution for the mentioned line. Funny in a bad way too, as it was just completely ridiculous. Lowering yourself to fart jokes, really? The line following that wasn't really a reference, and just a poor attack on Palin's intelligence. The hockey game line was meh, but the last line was good. Not great, but good. Gaga, you should have done a bit better. 4.5/10

Overall: This battle was definitely better than Easter Bunny vs Genghis Khan, but still not in my top favorites. I mean, the costumes and beat were pretty good, (Alright, a-fuckin'-mazing for Palin's costume), but the actual battle was... Underwhelming to say the least. A lot of the lyrics seemed rushed or a bit elementary. However there were those few shines of good lines in there. About 4-5 battles from now then we'll get to battles I watch a decent amount of times.

Sarah Palin: 12/20
Lady Gaga: 10.5/20
Overall Score: 42.5/70

PALIN'S BEST LINE: Your fans are in a frenzy like a bunch of gay piranha.
GAGA'S BEST LINE: I think I'd rather elect a Smurf than vote for you.

PALIN'S WORST LINE: Your music doesn't scare me, I'm a mother of five.
GAGA'S WORST LINE: I sound more, intelligent, then you when I fart!

(Thank you faithful readers.)

10-31-2013, 08:55 PM
That was awesome.

10-31-2013, 08:58 PM
Thank you, Light. :3

10-31-2013, 09:00 PM
Helio started from the bottom, nows hes hear

reviewin rap battles with fan appraise