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View Full Version : Abe Lincoln vs Chuck Norris Literal Review



BBC7
03-12-2012, 01:37 AM
This is my first one, so it might not be that good compared to others.

Abe Lincoln:

[spoiler:3932i90g]Four score!

Is that supposed to be a ratio?

And sixty five years in the past!

I'm still confused on what that's supposed to mean.

I won the Civil War with my beard!

So your military is an army of facial hair?

Now I'm here to whoop your ass!

But I didn't even do anything to you.

I read up all your facts.

WTF man that stuff is personal.

You cure cancer with your tears?

So you didn't read my diary?

Well tell me Chuck, how come you never sat down and cried on your career?

Because my name's not Chuck and I don't have a job.

You're a washed-up has been!

I disagree with that statement. I didn't take a shower in months! Who's the loser now?

On TV selling total gyms.

I already told you I have no job, dumbass.

And you're gonna lose this battle.

I'm not even a part of it, you fool.

Just like you lost Return of the Dragon.

I didn't lose it, I threw it out my window because I lost my frisbee.

I'll rip your chest hairs out.

Jokes on you! I don't have chest hair!

Put em in my mouth!

The only substitute you have is my flesh...

I'll squash you like I squashed the south!

I thought you used your facial hair army.

I never told a lie and I won't start now!

Good. It's nice to be honest.

You're a horse with a limp, I'll put you down!

No actually I'm a human.[/spoiler:3932i90g]

Chuck Norris:

[spoiler:3932i90g]This isn't Gettysburg, punk.

Where the hell is that?

So I'd suggest retreating.

But I don't even know why you used that first line against me in the first place.

For I invented rap music.

No you didn't.

When my heart started beating.

Doesn't it take time to gain a vocabulary large enough to rap?

Chuck Norris doesn't battle.

I know, right! The guy's such a pussy.

He just allows you to lose.

No thanks.

My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth.

That guy never blew my mind in the first place.[/spoiler:3932i90g]

Abe Lincoln:

[spoiler:3932i90g]I got my face on the side on a mountain!

And I got my face on the side of a computer screen.

You voted for John McCain!

I'm Canadian.

I got a bucket full of my head!

Those are pennies.

And I'm about to make it rain!

The bucket is filled with pennies, not water -_-

You block bullets with your beard?

I don't have a beard.

I catch em with my skull!

You mean your skeleton? Or literally your skull?

I made fun of Walker Texas Ranger

You've never even seen it.

But I've never even seen that show!

That's what I just said dumbass![/spoiler:3932i90g]

Chuck Norris:

[spoiler:3932i90g]I AM CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!

No shit Sherlock.

I spread more blood and gore than forty score of your puny civil wars, bitch!

Are Christians even allowed to do that?

I split the union with a roundhouse kick!

Were you even alive during that time?

I wear a black belt.

I can see that.

On the beard that I grow on my dick!

Dicks don't grow beards.

I attack sharks, when I smell them bleed!

And I attack french fries when I smell them ready.

I don't go swimming.

For an egomaniac you sure are a wimp.

Water just wants to be around me!

Water is abiotic. It has no feelings.

My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster!

I'm pretty sure light is faster than that.

You may have freed the slaves.

No.

But Chuck is everyone's master!

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO BITCH![/spoiler:3932i90g]

Hedgeog
03-12-2012, 12:25 PM
thats pretty awesome :D

BBC7
03-12-2012, 12:36 PM
thats pretty awesome :D

Who's Thats? There's only Chuck Norris and Abe Lincoln.