Mike Hat

Sanic Reviews: Alexander vs. Ivan Part 2

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I'm Frederick the Great, out the gate first servant of state
I like that he's actually pushing away the Brandenburg Gate when he says this, improves the line a lot for me. +1
Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight
kek nice +2
I've got creative talents and battle malice
Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace
Funny reference to a more "modern" saying. +1
Russia's fucked up but no wonder why
With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my!
This is my favorite line in the battle, although if they had found something that sounded more like "lions" to start this off it'd probably get a perfect score. +2
I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes
If I had to look at your troll face every night
Apparently Ivan actually had a guy's eyes torn out so he couldn't make any buildings more beautiful than the St. Basil's Cathedral. Oh. +2
Now bring me my chair
I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red square
Great flow, good boasts. +2
Fought a Seven Years' War, I ain't scared of a Tsar
Cause beating you only took me twelve bars
Really funny way to reference the Seven Years War and make this battle look inconsequential in length by comparison. Even though it's actually got the longest "running time" before the credits of all ERBs. +2

This part

Oh, what a humiliating defeat!
I know when I am beat, so of course, take a seat
I'd keep ripping you to shreds
But I'll take a break instead
And just rest my little head
Why don't you Drop Dead, Fred!
The one line in these sequences I really like. Such a bizarre obscure reference but it's so funny anyway. +1
Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher
But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire
It's another great day and another great victory
Cause no great can beat me - What about me, Pompey? YEAH

all right so Pompey was supposedly assassinated right before he went to Egypt to make a speech. That makes this hilarious to me, not that it wasn't already hilarious. +2

Catherine the Great: Round 1

Macedonians, Prussians and Romans? Those aren't worthy opponents
It takes a Russian to take down a Russian - I'm Cath, I'm a cat, you're a rodent
I'd take offense to Catherine insulting the other Greats and subtract some points if I considered the Greats to be on a team, like how I took off for Tyson's first line in Newton vs. Nye, but I see this as basically just being a battle royale where the contestants focus more on one person than the others. 0
How are you the head of our state when the state of your head was such a crazy one?
I like the play on words. I've actually never heard this before surprisingly. +1
Such sick shit going through your brain that you stuck a spike through your own son
Okay, the subtitles say she's saying "through your own son," but listen closely to the audio. IMO she's definitely saying "through your own son's," as in his own son's brain. Makes this line better to me. +2
You're unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged
I kinda like this comparison too. +1
I brought the Russian empire straight out of the olden days and right into the golden age
I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with
This whole battle's like Alaska cause I settled it
Cool beans. +1

Ivan round 17 or something idk I wasn't keeping count

Hmmm, what a beautiful Queen to beat me in a battle
Accept this gift, Your Highness: I hear you enjoy the saddle

Catherine the Great: Round 2

That horse story is a pile of shit
Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit
Poles told me this line basically means she's so attractive even animals notice, so I like it better now, especially since "chomping at the bit" is literally an idiom related to horses. +2
But you're never gonna get it, nyet
Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette
that's really brilliant for a sex joke +2
I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off
Bringing sexy back to House Romanov
I guess this is because Tonjes does covers of pop songs and stuff but what does Justin Timberlake specifically have to do with this? 0
So don't call me Queen, I'm far more great
Empress to Tsar 8, bitch - checkmate
MUCH better chess joke than Alex had, at any rate. +2

Overall: Um... I'm not gonna bother trying to separate everyone out and assigning them numbers of lines, so I'll just say Frederick>Ivan=Catherine>Alexander IMO. I did like them all though.


Overall rapping score: I didn't take off any points for the transitions just because I don't think they HURT any character, but I do think they could've been handled better. However I like the mix of lines in this battle enough for a B.
Visuals: As far as portrayals of characters go, Ivan might be my favorite role Peter's ever had, and the rest of the visuals and portrayals aren't bad either. A.
Music: The initial beat has grown on me a little bit, I appreciate its more minimal sounds more now. The second beat is already sublime but with the added flute noises it becomes my favorite individual beat this season. And the third beat is good too. Some people say this battle sounds weird to listen to because of the transitions and stuff but I haven't been bothered by that. A.

AND THE OVERALL SCORE OF THIS BATTLE ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS IS... B+. Now I'd probably go ahead and give it an A- on the sheer fact that I laughed so hard at it on my first viewing (I laughed one dozen times, more than I've ever laughed at any ERB video), but it's a solid battle either way. On a more subjective level, probably my favorite this season even though I think Bond/Powers is technically "better." I'd say it's a great battle.

So that was that. Next battle will be uh... you know what, let's do the Vader/Hitler trilogy, starting with 1.