Truknonymous Journal

[right:29njmn5s]22/12/2012
11:10pm[/right:29njmn5s]

[center:29njmn5s]Nothing new, Just the same old forum.. same old site.. facebook still the same, no matter how many times you refresh.. Gliscor posted.. awesome, check'd it out.. might reply to it later. found an awesome YT video.. sad music though. It's in spoilers, Don't want to wreck this post.
[spoiler:29njmn5s][youtube:29njmn5s]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZWopPAbPj8[/youtube:29njmn5s][/spoiler:29njmn5s]

Forum Update. Complete.

Real life update..

On suicide watch for one week, It's kinda tiring, Really. It's always the same, I can't go outside without someone following my tail, Watching each move i do, People hate me, I can sense it, I don't hurt people, I don't fight, Punch me, I smile to you, I don't care, I. Don't. Fight. Back. I never will..
You can stab me and i'll just nod and walk away.. or crawl.

I'm sorry, I'm sad again, It's just tiring to be this way.

I'm depressed for 5 fucking years now. I may look giddy and happy all the time in these forums and in real life, But check under it, Under all the layers of the masks i wear, All these happy moments, Doubles that.. Sadness. I don't ask for help, because i thought i wouldn't need it, I still think that, I may be thick headed, but i need help too, I'm human too, I need someone to talk to, That's it, I may be thick headed, I may not PM you first, I am afraid.. to get shunned. I'm a weak man, I may just.. look strong.

..I'm in tears again.. Till.. Next time. Journal.


Truk... Posting Today's Journal.. Log.[/center:29njmn5s]

Bro, you can talk to any one of us. We'll be there for you. I haven't had depression but some forumers on this forum had/have it too. They can give you tips or whatnot on how to be happy most of the time. I can't say I understand what it's like to have depression, but I can say that I'll be there for you. I'll talk to you, I'll listen, I'll help, whatever you need me to do. If you want to PM chat with me, don't be afraid to. I don't know your username so I can't really PM you first. No need to fear me or anyone on here. I'm sorry you're going through this. I bet it's rough. Just don't give up.

It just hurts...
Getting called useless by your own parents, Getting shamed for being a part of their family, My father loves my sister more than me, Hell he loves my cousin more than me and i'm the fucking first born here. You know me lawl, and i know you, I just don't know, I just get in the forum for some laughs, smiles and what not, yet.. Every time i fucking come back, FIGHT here, WAR there, CHAOS Fucking everywhere, MAN IT"S CHRISTMAS FOR FUCKS SAKES, Why can't people just stop, It hurts, I TREAT you guys like family, and you pay me with this bullshit, I make people laugh with my insane shenanigans yet you give me Senseless forum member fights, I dodge the YVTPA thread mostly because it hurt seeing everyone rapping/fighting against each other with words and curses that hurt, I don't know, It's fucking sad.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Truknonymous

It just hurts...
Getting called useless by your own parents, Getting shamed for being a part of their family, My father loves my sister more than me, Hell he loves my cousin more than me and i'm the fucking first born here. You know me lawl, and i know you, I just don't know, I just get in the forum for some laughs, smiles and what not, yet.. Every time i fucking come back, FIGHT here, WAR there, CHAOS Fucking everywhere, MAN IT"S CHRISTMAS FOR FUCKS SAKES, Why can't people just stop, It hurts, I TREAT you guys like family, and you pay me with this bullshit, I make people laugh with my insane shenanigans yet you give me Senseless forum member fights, I dodge the YVTPA thread mostly because it hurt seeing everyone rapping/fighting against each other with words and curses that hurt, I don't know, It's fucking sad.

---

*hug*
the YVTPA is just for fun, we don't mean anything we say on there. I bet your life is rough right now. I wish I could be there in person for you. Everything gets better in the end. I wish I could fix everything that's ailing you. But I can't. Just stick in there. You're not useless, and you're not shameful. You're one of the best people I know.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LAWLzoR

*hug*
the YVTPA is just for fun, we don't mean anything we say on there. I bet your life is rough right now. I wish I could be there in person for you. Everything gets better in the end. I wish I could fix everything that's ailing you. But I can't. Just stick in there. You're not useless, and you're not shameful. You're one of the best people I know.

---

Fun or not, Words are words, They keep saying that, Everything gets better but it doesn't, It always end up worse, Being happy leads to shit, being shit leads to nothing, You lose nothing, Better live a crappy life than living a happy one knowing one day you'll lose it all, Please, I consider you all a family, Just this Christmas.. this new year too, Stop it with the senseless fights. What does it give you? Tell me! NOTHING, Fights just cause you to lose friends, You might say "Hey, We're truced now, but no, Deep inside you still have that pit of hatred against that person, Stop it. please.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw...nqffo1_500.gif

I love you all.

Just.. stop with the fight.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Truknonymous

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LAWLzoR

*hug*
the YVTPA is just for fun, we don't mean anything we say on there. I bet your life is rough right now. I wish I could be there in person for you. Everything gets better in the end. I wish I could fix everything that's ailing you. But I can't. Just stick in there. You're not useless, and you're not shameful. You're one of the best people I know.

---

Fun or not, Words are words, They keep saying that, Everything gets better but it doesn't, It always end up worse, Being happy leads to shit, being shit leads to nothing, You lose nothing, Better live a crappy life than living a happy one knowing one day you'll lose it all, Please, I consider you all a family, Just this Christmas.. this new year too, Stop it with the senseless fights. What does it give you? Tell me! NOTHING, Fights just cause you to lose friends, You might say "Hey, We're truced now, but no, Deep inside you still have that pit of hatred against that person, Stop it. please.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw...nqffo1_500.gif

I love you all.

Just.. stop with the fight.

---

I won't guess, but I think I know who you are. ;) Playing lawyer games certainly pays off.

Anyway, we're trying dude. You're one of my best friends. There will be GMs on closer patrol then before. I assure you if anything goes wrong they will take care of it. All we can do is try.

It's not the only problem.. I just want to be back to the good old days.

Yes, I may have been a warkfreak against sunkist but i learnt. I was full of rage.. i couldn't handle it, I was tempted. He broke my respect.

I just want this place.. back to normal.. back to the glory days

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Truknonymous

It's not the only problem.. I just want to be back to the good old days.

Yes, I may have been a warkfreak against sunkist but i learnt. I was full of rage.. i couldn't handle it, I was tempted. He broke my respect.

I just want this place.. back to normal.. back to the glory days

---

Do you think I like being here too? I stay for the people who have I made strong bonds with, including you. You guys are my link to the site. You make my day. Everytime I have a crappy day, I log onto the forum and read some posts and converse with you guys. While it may not always work, at least I can speak to people who listen to me.

[right:2n48ril6]12/23/12
4:40am[/right:2n48ril6]

[center:2n48ril6]I want to know.. do people.. actually notice me... or do you want to just.. dodge me.. Ignore me? ... Am i really that bad of a person, not to notice? A simple hi! Would make my day.. but.. nah.. you don't give that... do you? You're just gonna be like.. I'm on top! and always up! I'm just gonna be a waste of time, Who cares about me right? People won't notice if i just.. disappear suddenly.. right? I'm just a regular Forumer, Living a.. regular life, just like you guys... You know, I'm just an oxygen machine, that's it, nothing more, nothing less, I'm not special.. I don't know, I suck, I am down. I'm sad, everyday... We're just regular humans.. wanting a normal life.. yet me.. I just want to.. live yet.. people don't want me to.. I get bullied 24/7.. I fear it in my nightmares.. I cringe.. I'm traumatized..



I tried to give up... it failed.. Twice...

I tried...
http://25.media.tumblr.com/2fdc797e7...f4nzo1_500.gif
To use a gun..
The mechanism failed and drawed blank...

I tried...
http://24.media.tumblr.com/729e8945f...xuw9o1_500.gif
Hanging myself
The rope broke...

I tried
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me...0d6wo1_500.gif
Overdosing myself.
Ended up in the hospital for a month

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb...cusro1_500.gif


Too much sadness.. depression... Hatred.. Chaos.. death..
http://25.media.tumblr.com/b68aeef30...bo4xo1_500.gif




http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me...bo4xo1_500.gif










Where art thou?
http://25.media.tumblr.com/e48a08ef7...3j21o1_500.gif



http://25.media.tumblr.com/d4128db9e...ozd4o1_500.gif

I'm sorry if i just waste forum space for posting my journal here.. you can delete the topic if you want..
http://us5.chatzy.com/45379301341133 is still.. open.. if anyone.. you know.. decides to actually.. talk to me..


End.. journal log.[/center:2n48ril6]

[right:22yww911]12/23/2012
11:31PM[/right:22yww911]


Well.. A few more minutes and it's the 24th here...
Nothing is going on.. Just want to make a little poem.. or story?

[center:22yww911]C O L O R[/center:22yww911]
[spoiler:22yww911][youtube:22yww911]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PJ-dgnK-Ok[/youtube:22yww911][/spoiler:22yww911]
I'd like to ask you all a question..

What'd be the outcome of your life.. if you live.. in a gray.. world?

Just.. black.. and white.. black.. and white..

Wouldn't it be boring and.. sad?..

You'd feel.. alone.. so scared.. right?

I'd.. be scared.. I still am..

My life is gray.. so dull.. so boring.

Yet.. people.. like you are bring colours to my world..

Not to mention.. the major ones..

Renegade and Top...
Thank you, Both of you.. You showed me how to be a true gentleman.. How to be a loyal underdog, How to be a leader one day, Thank you, You gave me nicknames i can never remove from my mind, Thank you for everything, Thanks for the support..

You to Epic Player X, I won't forget you.. Thumb, Hooligun, Stefano.. You three too. Thanks.

Gustav and Prince
Thanks.. Gustav.. Thank you for teaching me not all russians are crazy assholes, you asshat. Prince, Thanks for teaching me.. no matter how hard it gets.. you just keep yourself high up in the air and continue the flight..


Deemoney
Thanks..for teaching me.. how to persevere.. your group.. had shit tons of bad replies.. and you kept on fighting, You have my respect.

SuperRapz, Dion, Chi, Nate, Bobby, Froggy
Thanks.. for showing me not all havok/c are deadly. most are just friend and accepting, like you guys.. Thank you for being my 2nd family... for atleast a bit.

B.S.B
You may have lost my respect, But you still have most of it.. I still will call you father, You've been the first one to actually like me, Thank you for just being a supah.. star


Lawly...
Thank you.. for being.. just you.. you know what i'm talking about.
Thank you for helping, Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you. thank you.
Same goes for you Adonis.

Spartica, GodFather, Gliscor, Spike
Thank you. Thank you for showing me what real fighters look like, Thank you.

God/Gok/Gob and Sunkist
Thank you for showing me that.. people can change.. and people will change, If they have the will to change, Thank you, You bring hope to me to the future of the forums, Thank you.

To anyone i forgot to list down.. I'm sorry.
Still thank you.. for being a part of my forum life..
Thank you.

Especially Rob.

Thank you for making this happen.


See.. You guys.. are my colours..

Even though i live in a grey world.. I have you guys.. to lighten it up.

Thank you.

So much.

I love you all.