King in the North Rap Battles

[RBM]

Nice battle! Katniss won IMO

[Moonjik]

Okay, a little break from schedule. As Confucius vs Socrates is currently saved on my computer (which I have no access too) I thought I'd try my hand at switching it out with another battle (because I love you and cannot keep you waiting). So, on that note...


Frederick Douglass vs Nelson Mandela


Nelson:


Yo my name is Nelson Rohilla Mandela and I'm here to tell ya
That you can't hope to beat this real chief with a little speech
Bitch, I'm royalty, I'm a revolutionary, you were born to slavery
While I lead my brothers and sisters to be free of racist authority
I'm sorry you grew up a slave, I'm sorry that you didn't know how to shave
But I ain't sorry for putting you in a grave cos I made history
For a King to champion your rights it took another century!
I broke an evil regime with my team and spent twenty seven years
Locked up with my fears and tears in a tiny cell where no-one could hear
Yes, that's right I fought for my rights to end the plights of my people
While you were busy sucking up to pampered whites and being in cahoots with evil
And running for your life, leaving your wife, crossing states, having debates on your little slave flight
I'm esteemed around the world, outside the states no-one knows your name
My struggle for freedom was harder than your Django Unchained!


Douglass:


Don't get me pissed, you'll get more than a slapped wrist
From this orator, racist hater, debator, abolitionist
You'll wish that you would still have been condemned a terroist
'Cos Madiba here's the first black man to make it on my hit list
Man, your first wife was crazy, a psychotic bitch
She was so mad that even I would would agree to have her lynched
And you grew too big for your station, polished up your repute
Forgot all you were, I think you'd have me pick cotton off your suit!
You blew up white babies so you yourself could go higher
I want to ring a tire round your neck, douse it and light you on fire
I was living proof that blacks were not intelectually inferior
Your proof black presidents pull their promises out of their posteriors
You make me scoff so hard that it's physically hurtin'
I can tell that you are just another white man's burden

Mandela:


I transformed a country, you bitched with Abe Lincoln
I heard from your massa that you were really stinkin
I'm the father of my nation, just open your eyes
You'll realize that as hard as you try you won't beat this guy
You got a newspaper? Bitch, I got a nobel prize
Honours from a shitload of countries and three damn wives

Douglass:

You planned an escape but were too pussy to pull it off
What afraid you were gonna get shot by the BOSS?
You're just a baby faced Morgan Freeman
Think you'll beat me? Ha, keep dreamin
I was a humanist, a man who was ahead of my time
You're like the guy from Song of the South except you can't bust a rhyme!

[RBM]

I'm sorry you grew up a slave, I'm sorry that you didn't know how to shave

That line made me laugh XD Mandela won

[Moonjik]

That line made me laugh XD Mandela won

Danke very much RBM

[Moonjik]

Confucius vs Socrates


Socrates:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing!
But I do know your defeat would be the greatest of blessings
Here's a lesson that you'll always remember
When you mess with the Gadfly you'd better surrender!
I challenged institutions unchanged for centuries
While you conformed to the norm of the aristocracy
I'll disrespect this elder harder than Athens' ruling class
You spit rhymes and thoughts thinner than your own mustache!
I taught the greats – Plato and Xenophon
While you taught hipsters cultural appropriation
I'll give you five classic burns and then leave you to die
And by the end you'll have one word on your lips - “Why?”


Confucius:
Man who disses Confucius is gonna get confused, bitch
Stepping up to Master Kong? Like your trial you're gonna lose, bitch
Don't mess with the master, that is my golden rule
You may think you're a teacher but you're about to get schooled
They burnt my fucking books because my rhymes were so hot
How can you write phat rhymes if you never wrote your own thoughts?!
I'm more lethal than Hemlock, this fool won't see it coming
You had a chance to escape yet refused and died for nothing!
Beatin' Greeks just like the Ottoman and Roman war machines
Put a sock in it, Socrates, I've been here since circa 500 BC
You see, I'm hailed as a god, you were condemned by your own kind
How can your puny Western brain compare with my Eastern mind?


Plato:
Oh hell no, Mr Miyagi, you're gonna lose to this rookie
Your quotes sound like shit that I pull from fortune cookies
My name is Plato, don't hate yo, my raps are abstract truths
There's a perfect form of everything, but not a perfect form of you
I am a realist AND an idealist, my brain's on a higher level
While your legacy is being tattooed onto white dude's nipples
You know nothing of justice, I'll be ready to bust this
Rhyme into Ching Chang Yoda's nutses!
I'll leave you sleeping with the fishes like Atlantis
MC Broad here to spit against Chinese fantasists

Laozi:
Plato calling Fuzzy a shit rapper? Isn't that ironic
Your "bond" with Socrates is anything but platonic
The universe has balance; you're shit and I'm great
It's the yin and the yang, I ain't got time to debate
I grew tired of China's decay and it's constraints
While Plato here lived the high life - clamouring for fame
Seeking out worldly desires, hailing his name
And this foppish slothish Greek has only himself to blame
You have lost the true way, so Laozi will set you right
Put down your ink and parchment and put up a fight

Kant:
You can't beat Kant so don't even try
I answered questions instead of always asking why
I say that only reason is the source of morality
Like only my rhymes are the source of your fatality
I try to keep calm but now you're getting me pissed
Calling yourself great? You may not even exist!
My verse is the End of All Things, I took philosophy to new heights
Get me my takeaway, Laozi, you've got no Rites
Laozi, you spent sixty-two years in your mom's lady dong?!
Then how come your book is only five thousand words long?

Buddha:
I am the Guatama and I'm here to school all of you knobs
Who else can say they personally influenced Steve Jobs
I believe in pacifism but I'll lyrically flush y'all down the crapper
Maybe after this y'all will be reincarnated into better rappers?
I gave up all my worldly comforts to be one with the higher state
While Kant here just resorts to pettiness and hate
I've lived thousands of lives, but you will live just one
Cos the prince is here, and y'all fogeys better run
Born a prince and died revered around the world
I'm loved by both old Asian men and Indie hipster white girls!

Nietszche:
God is dead, I can discern this just by listening to your raps
I may be controversial but any idiot can see that!
I am the Ubermensch, you're not fit to scrub the scum off my shoes
The only things larger than your head are your massive man boobs!
You've got nine virtues? Well I've broke every single one of them
Go back up your little mountain and practice some zen!
By the end I'll even have this peaceful man bereft
That is if he hasn't already starved himself to death!
Your rhymes are terrible, they don't even smell like Nirvana
My works are credible, Thus Spake Zarathustra

Zoroaster:
Bitch, I never said any of that shit!
Especially to your a shitty stached Nazi snitch!
I'm Zoroaster, you bastard, representing Persia
Prophet of kings, the mage of all shahs!
I spit hard against immoral punks named Friedrich
And I heard you got syphilis from sucking so much dick!
You simply took other people's words and then took the credit
If you alive now you'd be posting your shit on a crappy subreddit!
I'm the good, you're the bad, it's battle of two extremes
And from what I can tell, rapping ain't your niche, G

Bertrand Russell:
You spit fallacies, Zoroasshole, your legacy's gone sad
Don't believe me? How about we phone up Ahmedinejad?
You're just mad that your lame religion didn't reach world importance
You've had less impact in the world than Joseph Smith and the Mormons
I'm a logician, a cold, hard flowing mic controlling Spock
And just like the first officer, I've got a big ass cock
I lead the revolt against Idealism but my rhymes are perfect
Go bitch about me in your various untranslated texts
On Denoting this battle, I'd give the rest of you nill
I was a pacifist but still, Bertie's coming in for the kill!

Sun Tzu:
Speaking of war, the great artisan has stepped in
Like my book taught the world I'll show you all how to win
I was a great military strategist, I don't need your crap
Imma write a second book - On The Art of Rap!
I lead armies to victory, you lead students to boredom
You'll be so dead that you won't a get a second verse post-mortem
Bertrand Russell's a huge nerd, Nietzsche - you're a turd
Plato - you got served, and Socrates - you're just absurd!
This battle won't be won by who's philosophy is bolder
First lesson - the winner is the one with most soldiers

*Sun Tzu's troops march in and massacre everyone*

WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!

[@Dumbledore]

301 VIEWS!!!

It's good.

[Moonjik]

Ta very much. ^^

[WardenOfTheNorth]

It was close, but Socrates won. My favorite lines were, "you know less than Jon Snow" and, "put a sock in it please, Socrates."

[Moonjik]

It was close, but Socrates won. My favorite lines were, "you know less than Jon Snow" and, "put a sock in it please, Socrates."

Much appreciated, WotN.

[NiceChristina]

Awesome rap battle! Can't wait to see more of your work!