Video Game Battle Royale analysis
Bowletta
Let’s start off with #Nutty’s champion, and one of the most viable non-human contenders. A fusion between Bowser and the evil witch Cackletta’s soul, it should go without saying that she has Bowser’s natural strength, fire breath and durability going in her favour. In fact, she was beaten only when she swallowed the Mario Brothers and they defeated her soul itself. Her fire breath can also create Flarets, which can be absorbed for a hp boost. If things remain tough she can briefly turn into Dark Bowletta, which can summon a swarm of stars that can damage the bros (with the exception of the purple one, which can make them dizzy). Her Dark form also causes her to become ‘hazardously surfaced’, meaning that she would damage any foe coming into contact with her. While she does seem a very strong enemy, it should be noted that she was defeated with mainly jumps and hammers opposed to the variety of deadly weapons she will be facing here, and that her soul won’t be able to last long after her current physical body is destroyed unless she can find another one that’s weak enough (aka someone unconscious, a rarity for this style of match), she will soon fade.
New Age Retro Hippy
One of many enemies from the cult classic Earthbound, he isn’t as much a throwaway entry as he first appears, not that that means much in this sort of game (glares at the Mudcrab). While he does only claim a mere 87hp to Bowletta’s final boss worthy 500, he isn’t without his strengths. Along with his basic attack, he has two items. The first is a ruler, used to measure the length of things and waste a turn, although it does serve a good setup for a sweet burn. He also wields a toothbrush, which can somehow inflict ‘solidification’, which stops any sort of action on the inflicted for 3 turns. He can also lose in his temper in an extremely un-hippy fashion, which raises his attack by one stage. While he’s not going to win, due to his durability and attack variety only being somewhere in the middle when compared with the others, he can defiantly hold his own for a short time.
Gordon Freeman
I’m going to try and be balanced here, but there will be bias, obviously because he’s my character. A physicist with a MIT degree, he was at ground zero when a portal to Xen opened inside the Black Mesa, causing him to fight his way out against both aliens and human military, before moving onto leading a resistance force which near worshiped him. Gordon boasts two lines of defence, his standard bodily health and his HEV suit, which doubles his resistance and provides major protection against energy based assault such as electricity. His HEV suit can be restored using charging stations found on walls and batteries, but he has to avoid major fire to protect himself. He can use multiple weapons, being able to use almost every weapon he finds be it human or alien, but he usually finds himself using his iconic crowbar, dealing out more damage a hit than a round from his pistol. He isn’t invincible, though, and items to recharge his suit and medikits for himself can often be few and far between, as well as everything going fuzzy should his glasses be knocked off. However, with his current arsenal of his crowbar and a machine gun with explosive launcher, as well as the nearby gravity gun resulting in some obstacles being removed and even weaponized, Gordon Freeman is a force to be reckoned with.
Sam Fisher
After hearing Gunnet go on about him for the 673rd time (and taking it upon myself to analyse everyone in this game) I decided to research Sam Fisher, the protagonist of the Splinter Cell games. A field agent for a secret American initiative, it goes without saying that Fisher has a lot of experience from his numerous missions under his belt. He utilizes numerous weapons, including a supressed assault rifle, a pistol, and two types of knives, giving him coverage at three different ranges. He also utilizes special night vision goggles, for obvious reasons. On top of that, he is extremely physically fit, with skills in climbing walls and using the ‘split jump’, propping himself against two nearby walls in order to stay above eye level for extended periods of time, to either plan his next action or to conduct a above the head takedown. However, it must be said that the majority of the time he works using stealth, and while he is skilled in deadly hand to hand combat he mainly prefers to work from the shadows. Alongside this, he only has the bodily endurance of an average person in their physical peak without any sort of armour. However, he is still one of the most formidable contenders of the game.
Chaos Kin
The Chaos Kin is difficult to describe physically, so let’s just call him an alien Cyclops parasite here and you can look up an image of it in your own time. As its name suggests, it only wishes to bring chaos, and is rather skilled at doing so. One key point to point out is how it can take control of victims, once even controlling the Palutena herself. It requires to stay by the body (with the soul still inside) though, but can also send the victim’s soul to the Chaos Vortex to slowly be destroyed (which it can create a portal to by cutting the fabric of space/time with its tail). This gives it near limitless potential, being able to possess any character with a soul (which could possibly render the Hippy immune, if the stereotype stretches across all red heads). On its own, it is still a strong foe. It can shoot eye lasers (as not enough enemies do that), fireballs and blasts of dark energy. It can turn invisible, and has the ability to replicate itself and others, which does take up more energy than its other skills. After defeat, it takes the form of an ash cloud, and can possess others to restore itself to full power. However, like most of the other bosses, it is defeated simply by dealing a lot of damage, making him weaker as the game goes on.
Satoshi Mochida
You know, after all he’s survived I’m surprised he only made the second death. Satoshi took part in two rituals that ended up with the deaths of numerous of the other people that took part, the first one being the only one he had a major part in, as told in the events of Corpse-Party. All things considered, he isn’t too bad of a character. He managed to survive the horrible events at Heavenly Host without his morale breaking, he has the highest attack of all the playable characters, and shows at least a decent amount of intellect. However, his endurance, strength, weapons, and even what he’s mentally endured places him far below many of the other competitors, such as the veteran spy, the revolutionary physicist, or the Dark Sovereign (but we’ll get to her later). Plus, his personality of being kind and a bit of a coward doesn’t help him here, as well as lacking in the magic department. I would have never placed him this low, but I can admit that he would’ve likely wouldn’t have won.
Green Surround Block
Ah, here we go, the first…unconventional character. Or joke character, I don’t care what you want to call them. Basically, you know those games where everyone’s on the same screen, and you leave a trail behind you? You can’t touch the trail or a wall or you’ll die? The Green Surround Block is that. Not only is it that, but it’s a singular pixel that’s leaving a streak of green pixels behind it. To be honest, he has a chance of being a good Flappy Bird. He has decades more experience than anyone else, he can potentially move in all three dimensions as long as he turns at 90 degree angles, and he could easily crush people, as long as he can touch them (but hey, that’s because logic in these sorts of games are often thrown out of the window to give characters like the L Tetris Block a chance). Only thing he has to worry about are walls and himself (both of which get more dangerous as the game goes on), but he has a higher chance of winning than some others on this list.
Yeah, it’s still not going to happen though.
Syndra
Syndra. The lore of all the League’s champions can be found on their wiki page, so I’m just going to say that it says Syndra was born with immense magical potential, and constantly exercised it recklessly, which could potentially come into play in the game. She’s primarily a mage and a secondary support, meaning that her skills used in LoL are primarily ranged magic, both beneficial and offensive. She can utilize a dark sphere which deals damage at a target location, she can grab a minion, neutral monster or the dark sphere for 5 seconds and throw it, she can knock all enemies and dark spheres back while dealing magic damage with a brief amount of stun being dealt, and her most powerful attack fires the three dark spheres which orbit Syndra, in addition to any pre-existing ones. Of course, there is large potential for a much larger arsenal due to her great power. Upon maxing out the rank of each of these attacks and abilities, they gain another bonus such as additional range or duration increase. However, with great power comes great weaknesses. She has less health than average which can be devastating when conjoined with her low physical defence, as well as her dealing little damage through non magic attacks if her mana runs out and hasn’t regenerated. Overall, she does have potential to win, as long as she keeps her distance from all the other competitors.
Flappy Bird
*facepalms* Ok, I know I’m not really obliged to talk about this one with its death, but really, Polar? I expected better. To explain myself, let’s imagine a difficult game such as Dark Souls, or something with a better progression of difficulty like Super Meat Boy. Now, imagine if through the entirety of that game you could not be hit a single time, or you’re dead and have to start right from the beginning, no checkpoint. That’s your character. All it does is jerk around the screen, and try to avoid hitting the inevitable pipe. If no one stepped in, it would’ve died. If someone had gotten in the way, it would’ve died. Even if it was a straight duel between the Adoring Fan and Flappy Bird, the Fan would win. I hope you were aiming for the first death award, because that’s all you were ever going to get. Or it could’ve annoyed everyone else to suicide with the constant dinging and avoiding of attacks due to its erratic movement, I guess. There’s always a possibility.
Sorry for the rant, but that was the only way I could create a paragraph about this thing.
Red Bird
You know, I would’ve possibly gone on my rant about this character if it wasn’t for Flappy Bird’s involvement and the first part of the battle being posted. His wiki calls him the main protagonist of Angry Birds (which is confusing, due to multiple Red Birds being seen in many episodes), but he is the first one you get to use. He offers no real strength compared with others and holds no special power to set him apart, but he stands as the standard for the other birds to change in some way. He provides medium damage when launched from a catapult, which can break through a couple of wood/glass blocks and slightly damage stone. While his primary form of attack does damage him, he doesn’t suffer from a fault I thought he might’ve and die instantly due to being unable to move after launch. It is possible, however, for him to get feathers from the Mighty Eagle which allow him to target tapped areas after being launched, resulting in a variation of the Yellow Bird’s power. Does he have a chance to win? No way, especially after gaining so much distance between him and the catapult, but at least he isn’t the first to die, or even the first bird to die!
Peter Pumpkin
I think it’s a shame I can write so much about the Red Bird from a story-less physics puzzler than this guy, but here goes. Peter is hungry, and not in the Kirby style of going and eating everything in his path, but he does have the same ability to be able to eat anything, eating food, the food’s container, a raw block of butter, and a metal/glass salt shaker full of salt. He doesn’t have any distinctive personality, although he does get annoyed if you present him with a food he doesn’t want. I literally can’t come up with anything else. If this was a contest to teach someone of another language the name of foods (and salt and butter) in English, then he would undoubtedly win. But in this? I don’t think the Pacman technique of eating everything in sight will work.
Tomba
I have no idea how someone with bubble-gum pink hair expects to be taken seriously, but here goes. Tomba spends his series chasing down Evil Pigs, which leads to an obvious team up with the Red Bird. His weapons include Blackjack, a spiked ball on a rope which does surprisingly standard damage (but it can be charged), the Boomerang which grabs out of reach objects with the power increasing as it goes from wood to stone to iron (but includes other variations such as ice), the Grapple which acts as a hookshot of sorts (there’s an item which combines the Blackjack and this called the Grapplejack), a hammer, as well as other sort of items. Tomba himself is a feral child with large canine teeth, showing that he has a good amount of physical strength for his size as well as a last line of defence. However, his weaknesses are obvious. His weapons are all prehistoric, he is only a child so several characters could easily overpower him, and a pair of grass shorts don’t provide much protection against anything. I have no idea how to judge his ranking in this, I’ll just have to wait and see. After all, we are looking at the astronauts vs cavemen debate here.
Lars Umalaut
Lars is a Norwegian who plays the guitar to numerous tracks in the extremes of the metal genre, and I could quite easily stop the paragraph here because he doesn’t exactly have any notable weapons, helpful personality or even experience in fights due to Guitar Hero not exactly having a variety of gameplay outside of playing the titular instrument. He didn’t even play in a rock off against the Devil, which would’ve been worthy of bragging rights at least. As he is, I’m only seeing two possible points of attack. Either the numerous spikes found around his costume which may or may not be actual metal (which would factor their effectiveness enormously, although they would still only majorly count towards a form of defence) and his guitar, which he could choose to smash over the heads of other characters. There is the chance he could surprise us with his potential, but with his lack of fighting experience and weapons I doubt it.
The Great Mighty Poo
He’s a literal pile of opera singing s**t. You cannot make this stuff up without being simultaneously high on 4 different types of drugs. That being said, his biggest strengths and flaws come in the form of his weaknesses. Due to being a sentient pile of liquid (based on the fluidity of him and how easily he gets the tish straight from his chocolate starfish), the chances are the majority of weapons such as bullets and swords won’t be able to harm him, with the possibility of magic and explosions making a small dent on him. However, the items that do affect him (rolls of toilet paper) are able to be found around the place (although that may just be because of Conker’s access to hammerspace in some areas). Also, he can be literally flushed and killed through the use of a toilet flusher found behind a small wall, which has been broken by particularly long and large notes he’s sung in the past. He only attacks by throwing his s**t, which can cause trouble through the smell, and can cause death through crushing pressure or drowning in it. He has a possibility to win due to his major invariabilities, but his inability to move out of the arena with the items that can kill him makes that chance an incredible amount smaller.
Geralt of Rivia
Finally, we have…who is this guy? *googles* Ah, I think I’ve heard of this series. Possibly. Geralt us a witcher, from the Witcher series. Honestly, that’s all I can find about this exact guy that’s useful to the analysis, so I’ll be looking at what witchers use. Basically, a witcher is someone who’s been through a lot of training and rituals in order to become monster hunters for hire (and it should be stated that Geralt is one of the greatest). One trait that these people have is a tremendous resistance to disease. Not exactly sure how that will help, but I’m just putting it out there so he doesn’t catch a cold. Witchers train for almost any weapon they find, but they focus the training on silver and steel swords, for the supernatural and mortal. They also often use potions (which only they can use due to the toxic near-immunity, and they would prove deadly to an average person), and magical signs, which use the other hand while the first is utilizing a weapon. Their speed, strength, regeneration and weapon proficiency often prove themselves unbeatable against normal, human foes, and Geralt is seen as a legend amongst these people. Think about it, and then realize how the flaws still affect him, but to a lesser degree. They can still make mistakes in battle, as well as be overwhelmed by numerous enemies or singular ones with equal power. Plus, as a steel sword is seen as fitting against common foes it appears they come from a world of medieval level technology, and so will not be familiar with firearms and the like. However, Geralt is still a formidable foe, and is one of my three to watch.
Originally Posted by Kubby
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