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Thread: Turtlesauce's Saucey Battles

  1. #1
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    Turtlesauce's Saucey Battles

    TURTLESAUCE'S SAUCEY BATTLES

    DRACULA VS BEAST

    BEGIN


    Dracula (count version):
    My name is Vlad Tepes, count of Transylvania
    I tortured people in Romania, became known across America
    As the evil, vile count Dracula
    Haha, I've read your story, you treated an old lady like one of your whores
    She called you a Daft Punk, and she made you bigger, fatter, stronger, worse
    You're wimpy brat, don't call yourself prince
    I've seen the movie, I've been laughing ever since
    Come closer, you'll see me smiling
    Look, Bram Stoker wasn't lying

    Beast (Prince Version)
    Let me stop you right there, you medieval Bruce Wayne
    You're just a stupid myth, nobody even knows your name
    Vampires suck blood, you just suck
    Don't worry, I'll have Cogsworth wake you up
    Realise you've done nothing but murder and torture
    You couldn't get to America, you'd be arrested on the border
    You were nothing but a tyrant to your people
    Begone, I'm tired of you, I'll see you in the sequel

    Dracula (Vampire form):
    I'm thousands of years Oldman, show some respect
    Like your darling Belle did while I shoved my fangs down her neck
    I'll crash your little tea-party, turn it into a feast
    You'll watch as Mrs Potts cries, while I tame the beast.
    From all the Disney villains from Clayton to Jafar
    Your arch-nemesis is a flower in a jar

    Beast(beast version):
    Don't talk about villains, Mr Creature of the night
    Your worst enemies are garlic and light
    My book is a classic, which Disney made his own
    Your book is a joke, is it horror, is it porn?
    Go to your castle, keep on sucking
    When you go to sleep, I'll put a nail in your coffin.
    Last edited by Turtlesauce; 07-27-2014 at 02:27 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

  2. #2
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    This is a battle i did with KITN for the contest ERB Warriors, but not sure if it will ever begin, so I will post it here

    TURTLESAUCE'S SAUCEY BATTLES (with KitN)

    Walter White
    (Turtlesauce) vs William Wallace (King in the North)

    BEGIN



    Say my name, you failure, you're a scottish punk

    I'll cut you down faster than they cut off your junk
    You died power-hungry I died power-drunk
    I fight my wars with brains and reason
    You charge into battle screaming for freedom
    Lost cause of treason, In prison, bleedin'
    Scottsmen fleein', as William's defeated
    Wallace dies behind british walls
    A true Braveheart, without any balls

    So a wee desert rat thinks he can beat this Highlander?
    I'm the Real Deal - a raw Scottish Evander!
    You got your wife and kid screaming for you to come back
    Too bad you were busy screwing Jesse inside your Cadillac!
    If you lose to Willy Wallace don't kick up a fuss
    Cos my rhymes will blow your mind even harder than Gus!
    I fought for freedom! My heart is brave!
    You fought for none but yourself, and even then you weren't saved


    I don't need saving, I was doomed from the start
    Yet I grew more powerful with every tick of my heart
    My only weakness is my cancer and my cough
    And the only thing blown was Gus' face off
    You don't scare me with your little Highland Fling
    So sit your ass down and Hail The King


    I died fighting kings who were better men than you
    When I beat it won't only be my face that's blue!
    I'll make haggis out of you, you selfish, bald prick!
    I'll beat you even faster than Sheriff Rick!
    This will be an even greater victory than Stirling Bridge!
    After this, walking will be even harder than it its for your kid!



    WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDEEE
    Last edited by Turtlesauce; 07-30-2014 at 06:47 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

  3. #3
    @Dumbledore's Avatar Got That Redcoat
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    Quote Originally Posted by Turtlesauce View Post
    This is a battle i did with KITN for the contest ERB Warriors, but not sure if it will ever begin, so I will post it here

    TURTLESAUCE'S SAUCEY BATTLES (with KitN)

    Walter White
    (Turtlesauce) vs William Wallace (King in the North)

    BEGIN



    Say my name, you failure, you're a scottish punk

    I'll cut you down faster than they cut off your junk
    You died power-hungry I died power-drunk
    I fight my wars with brains and reason
    You charge into battle screaming for freedom
    Lost cause of treason, In prison, bleedin'
    Scottsmen fleein', as William's defeated
    Wallace dies behind british walls
    A true Braveheart, without any balls

    So a wee desert rat thinks he can beat this Highlander?
    I'm the Real Deal - a raw Scottish Evander!
    You got your wife and kid screaming for you to come back
    Too bad you were busy screwing Jesse inside your Cadillac!
    If you lose to Willy Wallace don't kick up a fuss
    Cos my rhymes will blow your mind even harder than Gus!
    I fought for freedom! My heart is brave!
    You fought for none but yourself, and even then you weren't saved


    I don't need saving, I was doomed from the start
    Yet I grew more powerful with every tick of my heart
    My only weakness is my cancer and my cough
    And the only thing blown was Gus' face off
    You don't scare me with your little Highland Fling
    So sit your ass down and Hail The King


    I died fighting kings who were better men than you
    When I beat it won't only be my face that's blue!
    I'll make haggis out of you, you selfish, bald prick!
    I'll beat you even faster than Sheriff Rick!
    This will be an even greater victory than Stirling Bridge!
    After this, walking will be even harder than it its for your kid!



    WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDEEE
    This is an excellent entry. Where are you Nutty?
    I am the unnoficial headmaster of this forum.
    1 infraction point=An hour detention with proffesor Snape.


    Read my superhero story
    Check out my rap battles
    Leave me a battle to review
    Wanna read something stupid?

    Every Erb winner (Does anyone even read these)
    Spoiler: 

    Actual Erb winners
    Spoiler: 

    Season 1
    John Lennon, Darth Vader, Chuck Norris, Sarah Palin, Hulk Hogan, Ludvig van Beethoven, Stephen Hawking, Genghis Khan, Napoleon Dynamite, Billy Mays, Gandalf, William Shakespeare, Mr. Rogers, Christopher Columbus, Epiclloyd
    Season 2
    Adolf Hitler, Master Chief, Wright Brothers, Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe, Steve Jobs, Frank Sinatra, Abraham Lincoln, Doc Brown, Clint Eastwood, Batman, Santa Claus, Adam, Gandhi, Nikola Tesla, Lance Armstrong, Mozart, Gorbachev
    Season 3
    Darth Vader, Al Capone, Miley Cyrus, Bob Ross, Muhammad Ali, Donald Trump, Walter White, Goku, Stephen King, Isaac Newton, Draw, Painters
    Season 4
    Gotta prepare myself


    ERB Crazy's Crazy ERB's winners
    Spoiler: 

    Season 1
    Galileo, Steve (Minecraft), Harry Potter, Da Vinci, John Wilkes Booth, Russia
    Season 2
    Edward Cullen, Julius Caesar, Jesus, Ariana Grande, Deadpool, Turtlesauce
    Season 3
    Dumbledore

  4. #4
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    WALL-E vs HODOR


    Wall-E:
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E, Wall-E
    Wall-E. Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E, Wall-E, Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E.

    Hodor:

    Hodor. Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor
    HodorHodorHodor Hodor
    Hodor Hodor, Hodor?
    Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor
    Hodor Hodor Hodor
    Hodor.. Hodor

    Wall-E:
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-EWall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E.. Wall-EEEEEEE

    Timmy:

    TIMMY! TIMMYTIMMYTIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMY? TIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMY TIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMYTIMMYTIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMY!
    TIMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

  5. #5
    @Dumbledore's Avatar Got That Redcoat
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    Quote Originally Posted by Turtlesauce View Post
    WALL-E vs HODOR


    Wall-E:
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E, Wall-E
    Wall-E. Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E, Wall-E, Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E.

    Hodor:

    Hodor. Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor
    HodorHodorHodor Hodor
    Hodor Hodor, Hodor?
    Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor
    Hodor Hodor Hodor
    Hodor.. Hodor

    Wall-E:
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E Wall-EWall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E Wall-E
    Wall-E.. Wall-EEEEEEE

    Timmy:

    TIMMY! TIMMYTIMMYTIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMY? TIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMY TIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMYTIMMYTIMMY
    TIMMYTIMMY!
    TIMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
    Wow this is amazing. Would you like me to review that?
    I am the unnoficial headmaster of this forum.
    1 infraction point=An hour detention with proffesor Snape.


    Read my superhero story
    Check out my rap battles
    Leave me a battle to review
    Wanna read something stupid?

    Every Erb winner (Does anyone even read these)
    Spoiler: 

    Actual Erb winners
    Spoiler: 

    Season 1
    John Lennon, Darth Vader, Chuck Norris, Sarah Palin, Hulk Hogan, Ludvig van Beethoven, Stephen Hawking, Genghis Khan, Napoleon Dynamite, Billy Mays, Gandalf, William Shakespeare, Mr. Rogers, Christopher Columbus, Epiclloyd
    Season 2
    Adolf Hitler, Master Chief, Wright Brothers, Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe, Steve Jobs, Frank Sinatra, Abraham Lincoln, Doc Brown, Clint Eastwood, Batman, Santa Claus, Adam, Gandhi, Nikola Tesla, Lance Armstrong, Mozart, Gorbachev
    Season 3
    Darth Vader, Al Capone, Miley Cyrus, Bob Ross, Muhammad Ali, Donald Trump, Walter White, Goku, Stephen King, Isaac Newton, Draw, Painters
    Season 4
    Gotta prepare myself


    ERB Crazy's Crazy ERB's winners
    Spoiler: 

    Season 1
    Galileo, Steve (Minecraft), Harry Potter, Da Vinci, John Wilkes Booth, Russia
    Season 2
    Edward Cullen, Julius Caesar, Jesus, Ariana Grande, Deadpool, Turtlesauce
    Season 3
    Dumbledore

  6. #6
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by ERB Crazy View Post
    Wow this is amazing. Would you like me to review that?
    yes pls
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

  7. #7
    @Dumbledore's Avatar Got That Redcoat
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    Long ago I played Runescape and I came across this.
    I am the unnoficial headmaster of this forum.
    1 infraction point=An hour detention with proffesor Snape.


    Read my superhero story
    Check out my rap battles
    Leave me a battle to review
    Wanna read something stupid?

    Every Erb winner (Does anyone even read these)
    Spoiler: 

    Actual Erb winners
    Spoiler: 

    Season 1
    John Lennon, Darth Vader, Chuck Norris, Sarah Palin, Hulk Hogan, Ludvig van Beethoven, Stephen Hawking, Genghis Khan, Napoleon Dynamite, Billy Mays, Gandalf, William Shakespeare, Mr. Rogers, Christopher Columbus, Epiclloyd
    Season 2
    Adolf Hitler, Master Chief, Wright Brothers, Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe, Steve Jobs, Frank Sinatra, Abraham Lincoln, Doc Brown, Clint Eastwood, Batman, Santa Claus, Adam, Gandhi, Nikola Tesla, Lance Armstrong, Mozart, Gorbachev
    Season 3
    Darth Vader, Al Capone, Miley Cyrus, Bob Ross, Muhammad Ali, Donald Trump, Walter White, Goku, Stephen King, Isaac Newton, Draw, Painters
    Season 4
    Gotta prepare myself


    ERB Crazy's Crazy ERB's winners
    Spoiler: 

    Season 1
    Galileo, Steve (Minecraft), Harry Potter, Da Vinci, John Wilkes Booth, Russia
    Season 2
    Edward Cullen, Julius Caesar, Jesus, Ariana Grande, Deadpool, Turtlesauce
    Season 3
    Dumbledore

  8. #8
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    Turtlesauce's Shitty Rap Battles!

    Geralt of Rivia

    Versus

    The Batmaaaaan



    Geralt:
    This isn't personal, just a contract from a man with a problem
    Said there's a self-righteous monster terrorizing Gotham
    Let me slap some sense into you, you've probably forgotten
    Does your "one rule" not apply on the Joker and Robin?
    You went bat-shit crazy because your parents died. Chill
    You can't lie to me, It's not for justice, but for the thrill
    I don't need Witcher's sense to figure out what you are, I'm not fooled by your charade
    I gain pieces of your "superpower" after each contract, ha, I can toss away my silver blade

    Batman:
    Dual swords were your only advantage, that was not very bright
    You're no different from the mutants, thugs and mercenaries I fight every night
    I respect your work, you save the people from vicious monsters
    But taking money in exchange makes you a common mobster
    I'm a symbol of hope, everlasting, I can't be destroyed. I am justice.
    You're a symbol of sleaze, consuming illegal substances, leaving people disgusted
    You think your grass tests are a match for the Demon Trials I went through?
    You're slowly killing yourself, but I don't have to save you.

    Geralt:
    Aardn't you a bit in over your head? You could never face that
    My flow's like Bane, I'm lyrically breaking the bat
    Selling a Batman trophy won't even fetch a Penny's worth
    Batman & Robin? I'd rather watch a botchling giving birth
    How could you save me when you couldn't even save your girlfriend?
    Batman is Forever, but this is Bruce Wayne's end

    Batman:
    It's over, Witcher. I'm doing you a favour, your place is in Arkham
    Like your Hexer movie, you're best left forgotten
    Your spells are a Joke, I've seen better magic tricks
    There's nothing to plough in the Asylum, you'll be in quite the fix
    When I kick up my feet, put on the Wayne mask, grab a scotch
    And when I get Triss into bed, you'll have my permission to watch



    REFERENCE GUIDE:
    Spoiler: 

    Geralt:
    This isn't personal, just a contract from a man with a problem
    The way The Witcher attacks monsters is through contracts from people
    Said there's a self-righteous monster terrorizing Gotham
    In Batman's early years, the people of Gotham all called him a monster and that he is outlaw, terrorizing Gotham
    Let me slap some sense into you, you've probably forgotten
    Reference to a scene in Batman Begins, where Rachel, his long-time friend and girlfriend, slaps him. In that moment, Bruce Wayne leaves Gotham and goes away to start his training with Ra's Al Ghul and become Batman
    Does your "one rule" not apply on the Joker and Robin?
    Batman's One Rule implies that he will never, ever, kill anyone. He has, in fact, killed The Joker, directly, and Robin, indirectly.
    You went bat-shit crazy because your parents died. Chill
    Bat-Shit pun. Also, Chill was the name of the criminal that shot Batman's parents
    You can't lie to me, It's not for justice, but for the thrill
    Witchers have the quality of sensing the lies, and he says that Batman does what he does for fun, and not for the reason he says he does. Kind of like Heisenberg.
    I don't need Witcher's sense to figure out what you are, I'm not fooled by your charade
    In the Nolan Trilogy, Batman says that his main weapon is fear, and he needs to make his enemies think that he is inhuman, a monster.
    I gain pieces of your "superpower" after each contract, ha, I can toss away my silver blade
    Geralt is saying that Batman's power is money, and that he could easily have it as well. Also, he says that he can toss away his silver blade (the one he uses for monsters) because Batman is just a normal man.

    Batman:
    Dual swords were your only advantage, that was not very bright
    Batman is saying that Witcher's 2 swords were the only thing giving him an edge, and it was stupid to throw them away.
    You're no different from the mutants, thugs and mercenaries I fight every night
    I respect your work, you save the people from vicious monsters
    But taking money in exchange makes you a common mobster
    What he's saying is that even though the Witcher has a noble cause, he takes money for his protection, which makes him the same as Gotham mob bosses, who ask people for protection money
    I'm a symbol of hope, everlasting, I can't be destroyed. I am justice.
    "People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy, and I can’t do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man, I’m flesh and blood; I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as a symbol… as a symbol I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting." – Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins

    You're a symbol of sleaze, consuming illegal substances, leaving people disgusted
    People generally dislike the Witchers, because of their appearance (caused by toxic potions) and their actions
    You think your grass tests are a match for the Demon Trials I went through?
    The Witchers go through Trials of The Grasses, while Batman went through Ra's Al Ghul's Demon Trials, which are trials meant to show if a person is fit to be the next Ra's Al Ghul. Batman is stating that drinking a few potions is not match for that.
    You're slowly killing yourself, but I don't have to save you.
    "I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you" - Batman to Ra's Al Ghul, when he told Batman that he would never kill him

    Geralt:
    Aardn't you a bit in over your head? You could never face that
    Aard (Witcher spell) pun + The fact that Batman could never face when a problem was bigger than him, despite Alfred telling him that he's "In over his head"
    My flow's like Bane, I'm lyrically breaking the bat
    Bane is a villain from Batman, who in the comics (and the movie) broke Batman's back, and he kept bragging that he "Broke the bat"
    Selling a Batman trophy won't even fetch a Penny's worth
    The Witcher collects trophies after every monster he's beaten in a contract, to prove he beat it. Also Alfred Pennyworth pun.
    Batman & Robin? I'd rather watch a botchling giving birth
    Batman and Robin was the shittiest movie ever. A botchling is the ugliest fucking creature from the Witcher series, and the act of giving birth is not fun to watch either.
    How could you save me when you couldn't even save your girlfriend?
    In Batman Begins, Batman failed to save Rachel, leading to her death
    Batman is Forever, but this is Bruce Wayne's end
    Batman Forever pun + Since Batman said that Batman is a symbol, and he is everlasting, the Witcher says that Batman will live on, but Bruce Wayne dies now

    Batman:
    It's over, Witcher. I'm doing you a favour, your place is in Arkham
    "It's over, *villain*" Is a line said EVERY FUCKING TIME by Batman in the Animated Series. Also Arkham Asylum is a place for wackos.
    Like your Hexer movie, you're best left forgotten
    The Hexer was a polish Witcher film. It got bad reviews and nobody even watched it.
    Your spells are a Joke, I've seen better magic tricks
    Joker pun + magic trick
    There's nothing to plough in the Asylum, you'll be in quite the fix
    Apparently people in the Witcher universe say "ploughing" instead of "fucking". It is repeated A LOT in the games.
    When I kick up my feet, put on the Wayne mask, grab a scotch
    Here he is saying that he can be Bruce Wayne again after this battle. There are a lot of things to this verse. First, the Wayne Mask stuff is from the movies, when Rachel said that Batman is not his mask anymore, it's Bruce Wayne. The scotch line references that Bruce Wayne never drunk alchohol since he became Batman, which is pointed out in The Dark Knight Returns. He can now relax and drink scotch since he beat Geralt
    And when I get Triss into bed, you'll have my permission to watch
    Reference to a famous Bane quote: When Gotham is in ashes, you have my permission to die. Also, Triss Merigold is one of Geralt's girlfriends, the one he bonded with the most throughout all games
    Last edited by Turtlesauce; 07-04-2015 at 08:33 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

  9. #9
    There's actually a comic where Batman kills Robin, who had become the new Joker. Said comic is also a complete and utter steaming pile of AIDS-laced shit.

  10. #10
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by MERB View Post
    There's actually a comic where Batman kills Robin, who had become the new Joker. Said comic is also a complete and utter steaming pile of AIDS-laced shit.
    Yes, read it xD
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

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