Original Character Death Rally

[Lohuydahutt]

Fuck yeah Greg's still alive xP

[rangernumberx]

Yeah, toonforce!

[Poles]

Greg has made it into the top 10

[sane]

are you


shitting

me

[Turtlesauce]

Possibly the only death in a BR that involves a crispy doodoo.

That's saying something

[Kubby]

Welcome to Magnachem Acid Ocean Reprocessor... what is this place?

It's a location from Carmageddon, a British game released in 1997. Owned my MagnaChem, it's their attempt to fix the ocean they pretty much turned into-

Acid.

Acid?

Yup, one of the Pinger Slinger's favourite drugs, and one of the few weaknesses of KITT's body shell.

A rusted body of an 80's Pontiac Firebird was revealed, as one of the acid baths was drained.

Isn't every drug Pinger Slinger's favourite?

Well, acid IS one of drugs.

---

-We have not been doing well so far.
-NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK.
-Well, I got into a shitty situation...
-Surge... I can not believe what I hear. Are you worthy of being the part of Phase, if a shitty situation is, according to you, fighting a literal piece of...wait...
-DAMMIT SURGE!
-It was!
-...
-...
-Well, if we're going to win this, we'll have to work together.
-Wait a FUCKING moment, Frost. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE OLYMPUS CODE OF HONOR?
-...I know. Combine only if a situation is dire. What you should know, is that I literally meant we should work together.
-OK, brother, so... what do we do?
-NO SURGING FORWARD WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA, MAYBE?
-...dammit Blaze.
-WHAT?! YOU MAKE PUNS ALL THE TIME?
-Well, yeah, but my puns are good, and not made by someone... - Surge put on some lightning glasses and smiled - blazed all the time... - then he made a ba dumm tss sound. (He totally can)
-This can take a while.

---

"And that's...how...multiplication works."
"That's awesome. My mind is blown." - Greg responded. - "So... If I have 3 rows of lasers in 7 columns hidden behind the front bumper, does that mean I have twenty-one of them there?"
"...Yes."
"That's awesome. I like lasers."
"Hey, what is it, Sarah?" - Professor Kreemu suddenly turned to his emu, who constantly looked in one direction. - "Is that scary woman nearby? She so reminds of my mother-in-law. 'You better get a real job' 'You're useless' 'Stop caring about this forsaken bird, and do something for your family'... Fortunately, my wife still does not know what happened to her mother."
"Did she go to vacation?"
"Yup, the permanent kind."
"She's so lucky..."
"Did you mention 21 lasers by the way? Do show them to me."

---

Skye was racing as usual, no enemies in sight. He thought about things. About his chance in the competition. About his father. About Ujarak. You really should not be distracted while driving. Especially while driving in a literal...*I put on sunglasses* acid trip. It tends to turn being distracted into being destructed. Then, he was further distracted by a laser show in the background. Then, he finally noticed there was a pedestrian in front of him. He slammed on the brakes, but it was just tad to late. He did stop his ATV in time, sure. But he had to do such an impressive stoppie he did not stop HIMSELF in time and headbutted the old lady. That was the same person that scared Sarah.
-I...I'm sorry. I didn't see you. I really should have been more careful while driving. It's my fault...
-It's all right. Accidents happen. I'm also glad you apologised. Here, I'll help you out.

Suddenly, Skye found himself in a different part of the track.
-Where am I?
Look at this, Skye Pattangayak miraculously takes the lead!
-Oh.
The opponents were coming from behind him. Well. One of them was flying
Marie was gesturing for S.T.E.V.E. to explain
-This little brat found a power-up. Because he so can take on us without th-
-HOLY FUCK, THIS "OPPONENT REPULSIFICATOR" THING IS FUCKING AWESOME! - Those were the words that came out of a little kid in a soapbox racer, even if you would not expect it.
S.T.E.V.E. and Marie Jones landed in the acid bath. BTW. Their bonus is immunity to it, so they just had to recover to continue the race.
Skye's ATV was already revving hard to keep the lead. He fired an arrow, which has found itself stuck inside the Timmy's vehicle.
-Get out of the way! - Timmy slammed into the ATV, causing Skye's quiver to fall off and get crushed under Timmy's wheels.

That's when Skye realised something. His father would not be proud. He apologised to some old hag, and now he was getting owned by some little shit.
-Skye, it's time to stand up for yourself.
He then did something he would be proud of for the rest of his life and punched a child in the face.

Even a tooth fell out. A milk tooth, but still.

-Do you, fucker, have any idea how much I get from that tooth fairy bitch? - yeah, Timmy was kind of a dick.

---

Unis was racing through the open-air complex, when he noticed a fucking bunch of cheaters. One of them was Frost, driving on the surface of acid, freezing it, allowing Blaze to follow him. Blaze melted off the icy acid, letting no other vehicle pass through this shortcut.
-THIS IS GONNA GO SO WRONG - Blaze thought
-I hope Surge does protect us like he told he would. - Frost thought
-Our lifes are linked. I have to protect them I have to protect myself. - Surge thought
Their lifes... are linked, huh?
"Analysis... complete. Treat Surge's thoughts...literally."
"Benefit and risk assessment. Risks associated with leaving the lightning lad living...greater than risks associated with the fight."
Kinetic blasts went flying from Unis' chainguns, hitting the frozen surface Frost was leaving behind.
-I FUCKING CALLED IT
-We're close to the edge anyway. Now, let's kick his arse.
"Attack, unsuccessful... Calculating recommended strategy...
...
...
Run."
And Unis darted off, aiming his chainguns backwards.

-YOU'RE DEAD SO DEAD SO DEAD!
-Prepare to die.

"Analysis: none of them seem to not be talking about death."

-I'm right behind you.

---

Timmy then got another powerup.
-SLAUGHTER MORTAR, BABY! - a mine was hurled towards Skye, who barely got out of the way.

And then, Timmy's racecar got hit with an...anvil? And it actually threw him off balance.
-An "Anvil Launcher", really? What's next, "mine shitting ability?" - S.T.E.V.E. snarked at the powerup names
-...Fuck you. - Timmy responded, turned his soapbox around, and fired a mine at the duo.
Marie jumped off her bike, doing a backflip. The mine flew exactly between the acrobatic rider and the bike. She then landed gracefully on her vehicle, and aimed the mini guns mounted to S.T.E.V.E.
-Fun fact. Despite their name, the miniguns ain't mini at all - S.T.E.V.E. explained.
-Well - Timmy responded - they are compared to my d- - and then, the guns fired. And another anvil.
Timmy pulled out a plasma cannon.
-So, that's your version of soapbox derby.... You're kind of a dick, you know?...Where's that guy on an ATV, BTW?
But Skye has taken the opportunity arisen from the two fighting and has taken the lead.

---

Connor Bigcock was watching TV on his backseat turned into a bed. Sure, he did have so many women having sex with him right now, this could be called Almost Fucking Anything Death Rally, but he knew he'd get laid soon.
-...fucking adverts. What's up with my ad-block?
"Buy now, the complete DVD of Freddy Fox Adventures Season 4."
-Are you really going to play this ad every 5 fucking minutes?! If I see that fucking Dora The Explorer ripoff shitstain, I swear I'll slaughter his ass and shove it up the tailpipe of his fucking car...
Then, the Flying Fox drove past the Shaggin Wagon. Connor quickly got to the driver's seat, started up his Impreza and gave chase.
And some missiles.
Freddy quickly counteracted with a... cake launcher. It worked. The cakes took the explosives, and then, the last one was fired and splattered on Connor's face.
-Stop pissing me off. - Connor said, and then he noticed a plunger harpoon. It latched onto him, and pulled him out of the car, which coasted, and came to stop in the nearest tyre wall.
-Gee, I gotta chill out somehow... - Connor pulled out a syringe, containing a mixture of god knows what (well, drugs), and injected it into his bloodstream.
-What should we do now? - Freddy asked.
Run him over, maybe?
-OK!
And the Flying Fox, hit Connor Bigcock, at full speed. Well, it sorta did hit him, since overactive drugged Connor jumped onto the bonnet of the car, pulled a grenade out of somewhere, pulled the pin, and threw it into the cockpit.
Freddy grabbed it and held it to his face. The grenade exploded, splattering his remains everywhere...
Just kidding. Toonforce.
It made a "BOOM!" splash screen, and charred Freddy's face.
Connor pulled out a machine gun, and emptied the magazine on Freddy. Did not work.
-Oh, f*** it!...? F***? WHY ARE THE F***ING ASTERISKS IN MY F***ING SPEECH?! WT*?
This pissed Connor so much, he jumped into the cockpit, he grabbed Freddy's head and slammed it against the wheel. And again. And again... Soon, Freddy was seriously injured. He had some hashes on his face.
-Ouch... Ouch... Is winning this worth it?...Is winning my goal? I am supposed to...stop...Zadok...
A button flashed in the car.
...
*SLAM!*
...
...
*SLAM!*
...
-What is it...? The transdimentionaliser is...ready? Yay! - Freddy immediately perked up, and found the strength to press the button. The car has disappeared, along with Freddy, leaving Connor Bigcock just next to his car, still on his drug trip.

---

Unis got hit with a ball of lightning...
"Fuse #951... blown. Engine... not working...Recommended strategy...Hope someone else dies first in this stage."

Soon, Frost and Blaze arrived. Frost has, well, frozen Unis to the seat of his race car, and the racecar to the ground. He rotated the kinetic blasters towards Blaze and fired them, almost dispersing the fire, before Frost drove his Rolls to cover Blaze, and tanked all the hits with relative ease.
-THIS IS IT, LITTLE SHIT! - Blaze said, as he summoned a ball of fire...which was quickly dispersed by a kinetic blast. Too high above the ground for Frost to shield it.
Surge fired another ball of lightning...
"Fuses #625, #115... blown, System #1691... broken... Kinetic blasters... not working.
-NO MORE! - another fire attack was casted, which flew towards Unis. Frost moved away, to avoid getting melted
"Temperature... 6053 K... Initialising "Update Will" routine...
...
...

---

A man was sitting behind his desk, observing the feed from cameras observing his evil laboratory. A fan was cooling him.

https://youtu.be/4DNGMoMNLRY?t=1m6s

Suddenly, a piece of art from Georges Bizet's final work filled the room.
- Oh, I'm so not ready for this - the man, who turned up to be the evil doctor Gilbert Zadok, said - How did he get out of that univer- and he was interrupted by the Flying Fox smashing into him and his desk.

-Your plan was thwarted yet again, Doctor Zadok! - Freddy Fox said, as friendly policemen came in, handcuffed Zadok (as usually at the end of the episode), and gave him some children-show-friendly version of police brutality.

-Remember kids, sometimes there are more important things in life than winning. So, which moment of the race did you like the most?
...
...
...
-Me too!

Should we retrieve him?

We have tried actually...

...but our agents' vehicle has magically turned into a Morris Marina.

Oh... we'll have to drop a piano on it later.

That's actually what happened to them afterwards.

Yes, Freddy's universe is very in tune with Top Gear's.

So...

Should we... disqualify him?

Indeed we should.

Spoiler: 

THIRD "DEATH": Freddy Fox - Ranger

OK...Should we tell Bigcock we turned his adblock off?

---

And all the contestants were transported to a new track, with Skye found to be the winner of the stage, and Unis found to be alive, transported just before the attack could harm him.

[Klonoa]

Hey, Skye wins! I'll take it! This chapter was awesome by the way. Hilarious all over. The radically different personalities of each racer make it exceptionally entertaining.

[rangernumberx]

Well, it is a kids show character. I couldn't imagine Freddy going out any other way.

[Lohuydahutt]

Fuck yeah Greg's in the top 8 :3

[Poles]

I love this
GO GREG