Original Character Death Rally

[Lohuydahutt]

Yay analysis time or whatever let’s do this

Phase: So first off is easily one of our most versatile contestants. “Phase controls matter itself” that’s totally not going to be OP at all honestly. The best bet to take the dude down is to do so when they’re in their separate phases, but due to obvious reasons, it’s safe to assume that they will combine into Phase at some point of the game. Then again, I’m not sure how the fuck you’re supposed to kill electricity to begin with. So yeah, we have a dude that’s literally above the Gods… I think he has a pretty decent chance… Decent xD

Connor Bigcock: Pretty sure his sex skillz aren’t going to help much but otherwise… well he has a rocket launcher on his car, that always helps. And he could probably snipe some fools. We’ll see how far the sick ride takes him, but he’s probably better off than the Pinger Slinger all things considered.

Greg: Guaranteed winner right here. Fuck yeah LASERS

Professor Kreemu: Well, he also has lasers… Well then. But clearly he’s going to die first just because he isn’t technically riding an automobile. The fact that he’s riding out in the open could be a problem, but hey, at least he has the shield. This guy (with the girl emu) is definitely one of the most versatile fighters. He has nanobots that could be troll-y in multiple ways, the bird fucking shits acid, pops out explosive eggs, and probably would have a better time dealing with varied terrain than others. His biggest weakness is one deriving from his personality, so we’ll see how it goes.

Skye Pattangayak: Considering how everyone’s driving in cars, I doubt stuff like his Judo skills will help much. And archery won’t really work well on anyone who’s safely tucked inside their cars. Well, maybe, depending on how easy the windows are to break. EDIT: but yeah it could pop a tire or two. The ATV itself doesn’t really have much offensive potential beyond the wheel axes. Kind of middle of the road all things considered.

Unis: Fuck yeah camo car cyborg dude. It’s cool that he gets telepathy, but he doesn’t really seem like the type of person/cyborg/robot/whatever that would use it to its full potential. If we want to get technical, “punches that hit like boulders” means they’d be harmless because boulders don’t really hit Either way, he’s not the type to be underestimated.

GTA VI Protagonist: Well, the car itself isn’t really much of a threat considering how it’s just like, a car with a bloated glove compartment. There are plenty of guys with military grade weaponry lying around, and this dude is no exception. I just wonder how well he’ll be able to use all of it while like, driving.

Marie Jones and S.T.E.V.E: Can a motorcycle find love? No? OK. So S.T.E.V.E is eco-friendly but still needs gas… wait what. Oh well, fuck yeah flamethrowers, I mean, we have a literal fire elemental but still. I guess we know who the most likely dude to be able to kill Frost would be I guess…?

Freddy Fox: Literally the most OP dude in the arena ermagerd ermagerd toon force 2 stronk. I guess his plot convenience powers might blow up in his face occasionally though. I wonder if this race has any gas stops xD

Timmy: His car turns into a robot of death… somehow. Can’t argue with that. I just can’t.

Mr. Turd: Ummm… well, I’m pretty sure Mr. Turd himself is more likely to fall into the toilet than anyone else is. Honestly it would take a hell of a lot of plot convenience for anyone to fall into that thing. But I guess if they do… THEY’LL DIE! … Yeah.

This is going to be a thing. It will quite certainly be a thing xP

[Kubby]

//Yes, you are the green one, Gunnut. Unless you see other rusty 70's cars.

The roar of engines filled an airfield. Not just any ordinary airfield, where'd you get that idea from. This was Dunsfold Aerodrome.

Spoiler: 

"Tonight..." - some British twat of an announcer spoke - "We put eleven chaps...or thirteen, considering one of them is some sort of literal holy trinity...against each other in a deadly race." - You've heard this voice before

All the vehicles were still in the pits. a roar of the engines, conversations between contestants and the OCDR staff, as well as an emu screech could be heard.

"For those joining us now" - another announcer chimed in, and you have realised it's James May - "The event will commence soon, but first, our tame racing driver will do a test run"

"Some say" - Richard Hammond continued - "that he lynched Sam, whoever that is, 4 times and that he is the third persona of Turtle. All we know is, he's called the Stig."

"Are we really doing this?" - Jeremy Clarkson asked the other two - "BBC cunts. Well then" - that phrase's a British thing apparently - "Welcome to the first Original Character Death Rally."

An unknown driver in a white suit rolled onto the Top Gear Track in a red LaFerrari. He was given the green light, and proceeded to demonstrate the perfect lap, and his badassery. After he had done his Power Lap, the contestants slowly rolled onto the start line.

"First we have Blaze, Frost, and Surge." - a fiery, icy, and electric vehicles got to the line, while Clarkson commentated. - "The trio of elementals, all being manifestations of some judge. Blaze drives what appears to be a monster truck. On fire. Russian engineering, though it still has a lot of power."

"Frost is driving an arctic Rolls-Royce" - May continued. - "The Silver Cloud, introduced in 1955, included some body panels made of aluminium, a hydraulic brake system, and optionally, air conditioning and panel steering. This one seems to also leave a trail of ice behind."

"Surge is riding what seems to be a safety hazard" - Hammond said.

"Next up is Connor Bigcock, who is driving a wagon. Seriously. How can a riced wagon be fast? It has a rocket launcher though, so there's that"

"Behind those is the perfect family minivan. With lasers. Apparently, Greg, this car's driver, likes lasers"

"Is that an actual big cock?"

"Nope, that's no rooster, that's an emu. Ridden by Professor Kreemu, and surrounded by two nanobots, measuring at only 20 million nanometers."

"Well then... So... This is Skye Pattangayak, the future chief of the Laikano Tribe. He's on an ATV."

"Then we have Unis's racecar, with mirror coating, twin kinetic blast miniguns, and directly controlled by Unis's thoughts."

"...Next to him is the protagonist of upcoming GTA VI. This time Rockstar decided to put the player in role of a Italian mafioso....in an old, rusty Mercedes. I've heard it has a TARDIS glove compartment though."

"Behind them is S.T.E.V.E.. And it's rider, Marie Jones. This lady, and her sentient motorbike has formed a vigillante duo, and they manage to burn fuel in a flame thrower, AND to be ecofriendly, all at the same time. Take that, Prius owners.!"

"Kids have joined the competition too. One of them is Freddy Fox, driving what looks like a classic 1950's Formula 1 race car, the other one is Timmy. He has a soapbox derby cart, because his dad is kind of a cock

"Last but not least, it's...is that a giant toilet?

"What kind of shitty idea is this? Anyways, competitors, you are all equipped with GPS units, in case you get lost."

Even the Stig was left speechless.

The countdown began.
The engines roared.
The emu screeched again.

And they went off.

Surge and Unis launched off into the first place.
"Gotta win this race" - Surge thought
"No hostile intent in competitor" - Unis thought after reading Surge's mind. - "Electronics weak against electricity. Avoid making competitor hostile"
And so, they were only racing, soon going past the Crooner curves and into Wilson.

The Mr Turd's toilet soon followed. He did not intent on racing clean, he had to ram the shit out of the two racers fighting for the first place. It only was a matter of catching up with them...

Freddy Fox and Timmy were fighting for fourth. Somehow, Timmy's kart was able to keep up with an actual racecar (vintage but still)
"Wow, nice machine" - Freddy shouted to Timmy over the sounds of the race. - "I guess you were thinking outside the soupbox when building it?"
"Shut up" - Timmy replied, and decided to ram Freddy off the road.
Freddy put pedal to the metal, and got away from Timmy, but then noticed he was approaching Hammerhead, and the brakes... were not the best.
"What do I do? Kids?" - Timmy turned towards the TV screen, while the car approached the chicane.
In that time he could have braked, but whatever. The TV screen showed 5 buttons on the dashboard. Right now, they were depicting:
-A car with a flame coming out of its exhaust.
-A car with an anvil coming out of its front
-A car with a spring coming from underneath it
-A wrench
-A car on the surface of water
...
"That's right, the Kangaroo on Command button!" - and the car jumped over the chicane, reducing the amount of turning needed, and allowing Freddy to just save it.

Blaze and Frost were behind the two kids.
"What in the fucking world is wrong with my fucking truck?! We're behind some fucking kids!"
"Keep calm and carry on, Blaze. Racing takes focus, racing requires calmness"
"Yeah, it's fucking easy for you to say. You're used to driving a fucking Rolls in a rally, you're used to being a fucking captain slow"
"...You think we are not going to deal with them? We're Phase, remember? They're children, they're less experienced than us."
"Oh, now you're Captain fucking Obvious. What is your plan?"
"We wait. We wait 'till they slip up. And you burn one of them, I freeze the other. And then we mash their insides to little bits, break every bone, make sure they're unrecognisable, in case someone tries to revive them"
"Frost. You fucking creep me out..."
"Oh really?"
"Let's do it."

S.T.E.V.E. was next, followed by Skye's ATV. A bow... it's difficult to operate single-handedly, and ATV is difficult to operate with no hands, meaning Skye had to alternate between the two. One of the arrows even was close to hitting, but was quickly burnt up by S.T.E.V.E.'s flamethrower. Then Skye suddenly lost control. It was the road surface. It was slippery. It was somehow covered in ice. He quickly grabbed the wheel, and tried his best to avoid rolling over. He was forced to go off the road, and then fell of his vehicle. He got up, and fired one more shot, this time without having to drive at the same time.

It almost hit Marie. She had to lean to dodge. One thing you need to know about motorbikes, is that balance is crucial. Now, Marie (who has been doing well on the ice so far) also lost control of the vehicle. STEVE's counterbalancing can only do so much. She fell of her motorbike, and ended up on the side of the track Skye was on, while STEVE ended up on the other side.

Skye righted up his ATV, and got back on, and then got kicked off it by Marie. She followed up with another kick, and another. The last one, however, was intercepted by Skye grappling Marie, and throwing her on the ground as well.

The Shaggin Wagon and the Gunnut's character were next. These guys were also engaged in a fight. Except, this one was a bit more... explosive in nature. The rockets were flying, both from Connor's rocket launcher he tried to operate while driving, and GTA VI's protagonist RPG he tried to operate while driving. This resulted in more destruction of the surroundings than destruction of each other. One call was close, when GTA VI's protagonist rocket hit near the Shaggin Wagon, causing it's aluminum wing to detach.

The already flimsy and poorly built wing was further weakened by the explosion, so when it hit the rusty roof of GTA's protagonist's car, not only it fucked up most of the rusted part, it also disintegrated itself, mixing with the resultant rust mix held up by the car's headliner. The Protagonist stopped to check the damage.

Kreemu and Greg... missed the start signal.
"Hey, Professor guy, why are your emu's eyes red?"
"...sigh...who do I have to deal with. Those are laser eyes. They shoot out a focused beam of light, in case you don't know"
"Lasers? I love lasers! Look!" - and Greg fired some lasers from his minivan.
"Is that it?" Kreemu asked, and also fired some lasers.
"AWESOME! MAN, YOU ARE THE BEST!" Greg shouted.
"Wait. You actually like it." - Kreemu fired some more lasers
"Hell yeah! Why haven't I heard of you before?"
"Whoa" Kreemu thought "I have a fan"

What neither of them noticed was that they were firing laser straight at GTA VI's protagonist's mirror, dazing him. What he did not notice was that the Top Gear Test Track had a figure 8 layout, and that he was standing in the middle of the track crossing. More, and more vehicles proceeded to go around him, except the one that did not want to. Blaze's monster truck hit the 70's car, put it on two wheels, and the flames have scorched the Protagonist's face.

He got out of the track crossing, and thanks to video game logic began to regenerate from the flames.
"That was close... Wait. Why is it so hot?"

"You know, from what I learned when I was hosting Brainiac..."
"Get to it, Hamster"
"Mixing iron oxide, or rust, and aluminum powder, results in creation of thermite. What do you need to know about thermite? Well, once its ignited, its reaction results in a very high temperature, capable of melting through an entire engine bay. Isn't that awesome?"

The accidental thermite burned through the headliner, and the molten iron was dripping on the protagonist, burning his shoulders, and then burning through his hair and skull. Just slow enough to be painful.
First Death - GTA VI Protagonist

Oh yeah, remember Surge, and Unis fighting for the first place? Well... Surge did manage to surge forward enough.

The stage was changing, and it was Surge that would get the bonus next round.

[Lohuydahutt]

"Ridden by Professor Kreemu, and surrounded by two nanobots, measuring at only 20 million nanometers."

Yeah, perhaps I should have put more thought into that xD

[rangernumberx]

Perfect announcers, great way to bring about the death, great characterization, this is going to turn out brilliantly.

[Turtlesauce]

GO GO SURGE! MAKE DADDY PHASE PROUD!

Also, Kubby are you an alchemist? Cause this is fucking gold

[Kubby]

Also, Kubby are you an alchemist? Cause this is fucking gold

I guess you could call me... Al-Kemist.
...
Or Al-Dente.

[Turtlesauce]

I guess you could call me... Al-Kemist.
...
Or Al-Dente.

I'll call you a phony if Mr. Turd doesn't win

[GonadTheNomad]

God damn it.

[sane]

Hola I like

[Kubby]

"OK, after the time spent on our airfield..."

All the racers suddenly found themselves in another place. They found it got quite hot now.

"It's time for all of you guys to face each other in the desert."

It was so hot in fact, Mr Turd hid inside the toilet's tank (It was magical actually, always full of water). Frost turned up the AC.
"Holy fuck it's so awesome" - Blaze said, and proceeded forward, leaving flames so hot they turned the desert sand into glass. - "By the way... where the fuck are the kids?"
- "Not quite sure" - Frost replied.

Unis...was not doing as well as the first time. The low-slung body of the Formula 1 car was not really built for full on desert rally, the semislick tires were not optimal for traction in the sand. Not all was lost, forever. Every single aspect of the racecar was controlled by Unis. The active suspension (with all the springs and dampers controlled electronically to have variable characteristics), active aero (with all the wings electronically controlled to precisely change aerodynamics), and electronic LSD (with clutch packs in every wheel engaged and disengaged fluidly to control how much of the engine's power goes to each wheel), this all aided Unis in exploiting every little bit of what little potential his vehicle had there.

Skye skipped past him.
"Inquiry: Who the fuck is Tikaani?" - Unis asked after reading his mind.
Then Marie Jones followed, on S.T.E.V.E. She was much faster and was soon to catch up to Pattangayak
"Analysing temperature..." - Unis thought - "Conclusion: Marie Jones == only hot single in the area; Readings received; Reading indicate more hot singles in the area."

Greg and Kreemu were traversing the desert together. They tagged behind. The minivan was not the fastest in the sand either, and Sarah, was not evolved with the arid deserts (more prefering the strayan savannahs or sclerophyll forests, rather than the arid part.) in mind, nor were her genetic modifications intended to improve that. This meant she could not really run fast for long, and just moved along the van. With lasers.
"...Can you believe it? They rejected everything. My nanobots. My Sarah. My lasers."
"...monsters. How can you reject lasers...The nanobots are cool too, dude. The other ones are so small I can't see them..."
Then the emu screeched, and got startled.
"What's happening, Sarah? What's wrong?"
"Uuuuhhh...who is that lady."
Kreemu then turned to see an old woman standing atop of a dune, wearing all black. Weird.
"Hmmm... she startles my companion. It's a bad sign. Let's carry on."
"Good she is not looking at us, huh?"
"Yes, indeed."
And these two got away from the animal-scaring lady.

Freddy Fox was cruising in his vintage race car.
"Freddy's vehicle seems to be a derivative of Alfa Romeo 158, a developed just before the war, and then returned to service in 1947 F1 season. Just look at that Italian elegance"
The car soared in the air, and landed gracefully, and then proceeded onwards, as fast as it could.
"It's one of most succesful racing cars ever, winning 47 Grand Prix races, out of 54 entered. Just look at that Italian performance"
Then, the rear axle broke off the car, leaving rear wheels behind it, and rendering the car itself stuck in the sand.
"Just look at that Italian reliability. Wait, what is that?"
Freddy got out of the car.
"Kids, what tool should I use?"
"A hammer! A hammer can fix everything"
"A hammer it is then."
Freddy looked into his backpack to look for a hammer, when Surge jumped above him. A lightning bolt jumped from Surge to Freddy, electrocuting him. Since Freddy is a cartoon character, all that happened was a cartoonish x-ray effect.
Then Connor Bigcock drove past, shooting a rocket. The rocket was intended to hit Surge, but missed and his Freddy instead. Freddy was all cartoonishly charred, but fine. Then Timmy drove past, and threw sand in Freddy's eyes. Timmy is kind of a dick.

Bigcock and Timmy were catching up on Surge. One rocket. Direct hit. Second rocket. Near hit. Then Timmy's soapbox hit Surge's bike, throwing him of the lightningcycle. Surge tumbled, and then was finished off by a direct hit by THE SHAGGIN WAGON.

Second Death: Ph-
Oooor... he would be if not for...
"And here's where Surge's reward comes in. As a reward for winning on our race track, he's invincible for this entire stage."
Surge got back on his feet, and on his bike. Connor, and Timmy were long gone. There goes his first place here.

And then he was hit by another vehicle.

He grabbed on the white porcelain, and notice he was latched to a giant toilet on wheels, with no apparent driver. Surge climbed the seat to take a closer look. Then, suddenly, the toilet accelerated, and the sudden acceleration pushed Surge into the toilet bowl
"Haha, I'm General Turdz. Get the general part? You know, I'm in a tank?" - a voice spoke from the toilet tank. - "Be purged, vile zombie!"
Surge barely held on to the seat, his feet touching water. Mr Turd manipulated the his machine from inside to flush the lightning part of Phase into oblivion. The water cascade his Surge with full force. Mr Turd went stiff.

"What is happening?"
"Well, the toilet tank works by opening the flow of water from the tank to the bowl. The gravity, it is strong enough to push the water..."
Smell of burnt shit was in the air.
"..into a cascade. This cascade came into contact with Surge, an entity made of electical charge. Water, while not a good conductor normally, begins to conduct electricity when mineral impuri..."
"Wait, wait, wait... All that buildup, just to tell us Mr Turd is getting electrocuted?"
"Yup!"

Mr Turd was not a cartoon character, and electricity only managed to fry him to crisp. No x-ray effects.
Second Death: Mr Turd

"Well, crap"

Also, Marie Jones has won the race. Just saying.