Almost Fucking Anything Battle Royale/AFABR

[BrineBlade]

OVERRULED!

[Juiz]

Man I really wish I just went with my gut and put John Cena in :(
Can't wait 'til this starts, though! :)

[Rocket]

i'm pretty damn hyped. What I'd love to see is Sam Burgess destroy the motherfucking sun and then turn to the rest of the competitors and say "It's fucked, it's gone"

[Lohuydahutt]

Prologue

The sun rises upon the mystical land of Whogivesafuck, Iowa. The corn is gracefully swaying in the wind, the corn is swaying gracefully in the wind, and also the corn is gracefully swaying in the wind. But this placid little town is soon going to be the host to a bloodbath…

And then to the east is post-apocalyptic Tokyo… and to the south is South Sudan… Ummm… Yeah OK I think I’ll need to explain this arena a bit more in-depth.

OK, so picture this, we have the small fictional town of Whogivesafuck that used to be in Iowa, this town shall serve as the center of our royale and will be where most of the fighting shall take place. It has a WalMart, it has a CVS, it has a movie theater, it has a prison directly adjacent to where civilians would roam. It is quite possibly one of the most poorly planned out towns ever. To its south is South Sudan, and to its east is post-apocalyptic Tokyo. To the north and west there is nothing because fuck that shit. This 3 part arena is perpetually floating in space, but somehow has a working atmosphere just like our own in spite of the fact that it’s basically flat. Here’s a map I drew out of Whogivesafuck, Iowa. It’s not detailed at all, but just gives a general idea of where everything is. K? K.

The Merp.jpg

Oh well, it’s going to take a while so let’s get down to introducing these contestants… or whatever.

Ahem.

Welcome to the night time in Whogivesafuck, Iowa.

A black sedan slowly rolls down the street. Inside of it is a doofy looking guy in a business suit looking around for a certain something. Lincoln Chafee was poised to host his next “campaign rally” at the nearest bar. Soon enough he found a bar, creatively titled “A Bar.” But it appeared all the parking spots were taken. He drove further down the street, and saw what looked like an open space up ahead. When he got there, he saw to his horror… That somebody’s Toyota Prius was taking up two parking spaces.

“Come on, you’re being a little rough on me,” sighed Lincoln Chafee. He looked towards the roadblock up ahead. Lincoln Chafee made a u-turn, he was sure he saw some open spaces by that Wal-Mart.

---

Worth noting is that there was somebody already in the creatively titled “A Bar.” He was a muscular man with an Australian British accent, and visibly pissed off that the bartender disappeared. “What the fook m8 he was just there a minute ago m8!” This man was none other than SLAMMIN SAM BURGESS! … Yeah.

---

Meanwhile in a small and very Asian fortune telling shop sat a young girl wearing a pinkish white kimono with a dark magenta ribbon and a small light purple jacket. She wore a necklace with 4 large pearls and a special looking symbol in the middle. Her light brown hair was… well, I have no idea how to describe that. It’s… something. She was Pearl Fey, an 8 year old girl that some sadistic fuck thought was a good idea to put in a death match. She stared at the windows of the shop nervously, she did not want to go outside.

---

But alas, not everyone in this arena is so innocent. Cut to the center of Whogivesafuck, Iowa, where the town monument lies… we see a giant sloppy dildo, reaching up to 5 meters tall. And on top of the dildo was a fine young man we know and love called Turtlesauce. “Oh fuck this! This had to take place in America of all places? Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Well, this is a battle royale so I might as well get to work… but I don’t want to get off this dildo… hmmm…” Turtle remained motionless as he pondered his next move (or lack thereof.)

---

Even less innocent are those fine fellows that are guilty. Welcome to Whogivesafuck, Iowa’s Minimum Security Prison. All of the guards and other prisoners are well… gone. But two inmates remain. One is a burly, long haired, long bearded man covered in tattoos who has… well, pure white eyes. No pupils or anything. But he’s still fully capable of seeing apparently. No one knows his real name, but they call him Ghost Eyes. The battle hasn’t even started but he already looked pissed.

In the same room as Ghost Eyes was what appeared to be a walking brown mushroom with eyes and a mouth (with two weirdly human-like teeth sticking out). He had a blue baseball cap and… well that’s pretty much it. Enter, Goombario. He was convicted for first-degree stalking, and now here he is. “Woah! Where did all of those other people go? Well you know what that means right? We can break out now can’t we?”

“SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA!” Yelled Ghost Eyes as he shattered the window of the cell with his fist.

---

Cut to a bathroom in the most masterfully placed NSA Station ever. There is an average looking guy with glasses typing away on his laptop… while on the toilet. Edward Snowden looked like he was doing something important. What he was ACTUALLY doing was trying out DOTA for the first time. Unfortunately, a certain someone was making his time a little… less than enjoyable.

Rlybigcock420: LOL y u suck a NOOB
Citizen4: Come on man this is my first time playing
Rlybigcock420: lel i’m not wasting no time with a fuckin NOOB like you!

Meanwhile Edward Snowden wasted no time tracking this “Rlybigcock420’s” location. Huh, that’s really close by actually, thought Snowden.

Indeed Rlybigcock420 truly was close by. Just across the street was a small, slightly run down looking house. Mom was gone, but lurking inside the basement was a different beast. His hair was long, his neckbeard almost as long. His hotpocket supply big enough to last him a life time… mostly because I’m pretty sure he’ll end up dead from a heart attack soon enough. He was the one and only DOTA Nerd.

“Hah, that shut that loser up. MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I ran out of cheetos! … Mom?”

---

Outside of the house was a decent sized pen where a single goat roamed around. It let out a bleat, that sounded far more like the scream of a human than an actual goat. It was… the Screaming Goat. Creative name right?

---

The cameras then transition to a movie theater, where there appear to only be two people in attendance. One was another young man we all know and love, watching the movie intently. It was something about a random guy being a bad ass and saving the girl or whatever… idk. Either way he seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit. This guy was good ole’ SaneButStrange. Sane turned his head towards another random guy talking on the phone. Some people want to watch the movie damnit! Thought Sane as he angrily glared at the man on the phone.

The guy continued to talk on the phone, and Sane snapped. He walked up to the guy and yelled, “HEY ASSHOLE! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO WATCH A MOVIE HERE!”

The guy ignored him and continued to talk on the phone.

“Look, if you’re not going to watch the movie why don’t you just leave?”
“OK I’ll call you back babe, buh-bye,” the man closed his phone. “Mind if I text then?”
“Just get out of my face.”

The guy shrugged and walked out of the theater, all while still looking down on his phone.

“Great,” Sane sighed, “now I might be able to actually watch the movie now- OH COME ON IT ENDED ALREADY?”

---

Speaking of movies, we see a large dinosaur… reptile… thing stomping around in what appeared to be a post-apocalyptic Tokyo. Godzilla was quite comfortable in his usual stomping ground. He casually knocked down a skyscraper with his tail and roared loudly.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH IT’S GODZILLA- Oh hey, Big Zam.” Said the last survivor in Tokyo right before he got crushed by a 60 meter tall walking green war machine… Not to be confused with the taller walking green war machine nearby. It was Big Zam, and inside the cockpit (hue) was some guy called Dozle Zabi. Whatever kind of name that is. He was an intimidating man with gray hair and a dark green uniform. Zabi was ready to lead this walking tank to an overwhelming victory.

---

And meanwhile in South Sudan, there was… well, South Sudan. In order to avoid some of my contestants getting brutally murdered in the cross fires of the Civil War, all of the people have been removed. So it’s just plain ole’ South Sudan. It’s a pretty place honestly.

A fruit bat on the northern border of South Sudan flies into Whogivesafuck, Iowa. It seems pretty harmless all things considered, but something sinister lurks underneath… No one notices this bat however.

---

On the flip side, there are some who are quite certainly desperate to get noticed. For example, we have a big naked red thing with dreadlocks benchpressing hundreds of pounds. He’s capable of much more than that, but that was the maximum weight the bar could hold unfortunately. Knuckles sighed and looked around for some other workout to do. Knuckles scanned the gym, but he did pretty much everything else noteworthy already. For a split second his eyes paused at the leg press, but he quickly averted them. After all, those are a complete waste of time.

---

Speaking of wasteful… inside of a Wal-Mart was a… *gasp* Grocery Bag. Actually, it was a grocery bag among many. But this one was… special. The grocery bag flopped onto the floor. That’s it… for now MUAHAHAHAHAHA

---

Just outside of the Wal-Mart in the parking lot stood the dopest white guy to ever grace the face of the planet. Who else could he be but… EMINEM!

Eminem surveyed the area and suddenly saw a very familiar face. Anger and hatred suddenly coursed through his veins and he prepared for a fight.

Ghost Rider saw Eminem too, and drove into the parking lot. Eminem glared right into Ghost Rider’s eye sockets.

“So we meet again yo”
“Indeed.”

And thus, we have the next installment of the ultimate rivalry… Coming soon!

---

Cut to a big ole’ dojo where some small black animal appeared to be trying out a new move. The Super Mega Ultimate Reverse Forward Flying Falling Kick.

“HYAAAAAAAAAAAA- ow.” Skunk yelled as he crashed into a wall. Skunk was TOTALLY prepared to defend his dojo from any attack.

---

In another building, conspicuously made entirely of LEGOs, a legend awoke. (And his name is not John Cena.) Palkia, the walking dick with arms, legs, and a tail, awoke with a roar. A pink pillar of energy erupted from him, collapsing the entire LEGO building. OH COME ON it took so much time to build that! Well, whatever.

---

And then there was a spoopy scary graveyard. Spoopy. There was a single coffin in the middle of the graveyard, and emerging from it was the sexiest vampire since Edward. He had long black hair, brown eyes, and a fancy looking white uniform. “it seems like somebody’s stereotyping…” Commented Kunane Kuran with an annoyed look on his face. He looked at a nearby rose bush and calmly plucked one out. He smelled the rose and then smiled as it rapidly withered away.

---

Surprisingly, he is not the edgiest one here. Here in our resident abandoned warehouse stood a figure in a dark blue cloak. Her skin was gray, her pants were non-existent, she is possibly the best goth chick in all of fiction. Her name is Raven.

Suddenly something came crashing in through the window. Some strange hedgehog like creature, mostly black except for some red stripes on his quills among other things. He was also not wearing any pants. Also, he was spinning in the air for some stupid reason.
“Can I help you?” Asked Raven.
“Wow *vomits* I think I… Found someone… Almost as edgy as me *vomits again* want to… Be my *vomits* waifu?”
“Yeah no.”
“Oh. I’ll see myself out then.” Said Shadow sadly as he spun right out the window again.
“Is everyone here that weird?” Sighed Raven.

---

And then there was me. The best. The hero of this story. A god in a baby harp seal’s clothing. I was typing up the story on my computer whilst staring intently at the thousands of cameras keeping watch of the contestants. But to my annoyance, there was something behind me. “BEGONE” I yelled as I banished that dog from my house. Oh yeah, I’m a bad ass. But I can’t write myself as too much of a Mary Sue… Otherwise there’s no tension… Hmmm…

---

The dog was banished to the cornfield, where it soon spotted a familiar face.
“Dogmeat!” She happily exclaimed and Dogmeat ecstatically ran towards her. The Sole Survivor and her dog were reunited. Will Sole Survivor TRULY be the Sole Survivor? Only time will tell.

---

And last but not least, there is the motherfucking sun. Since it is the motherfucking night time we’ll get back to that later.

OK that’s everyone, probably. Tune in for Chapter 1 where actual fighting happens… Probably.

[Faker]

Wow, I didn't realize how much of a douche I was by putting two kids in a death match. XD I kinda feel guilty now...

But I'm still gonna enjoy the show.

[Rocket]

Sam Burgess is British...

[Lohuydahutt]

Sam Burgess is British...

My mistake. Kind of hard to tell from the interviews xP

[Rocket]

My mistake. Kind of hard to tell from the interviews xP

i can tell fine. which interviews did you watch?

[Lohuydahutt]

i can tell fine. which interviews did you watch?

Idk mang, I probably just suck at distinguishing accents apparently. I fucked up, I must now commit sudoku :c

[Poles]

I hope Eminem and Ghost Rider end up being best buds and everything was just a misunderstanding