Almost Fucking Anything Battle Royale/AFABR

[Lohuydahutt]

Chapter 5

Skunk walked into the Wal-Mart to grab something to eat. He found a big bag of chips and dug through them ridiculously quick. Skunk casually tossed the bag aside and decided to look around the store for any cool weapons. When Skunk paused when he walked by a closet. What’s that noise? Thought Skunk. Skunk was hearing what sounded like somebody humming. And it was coming from the closet.
“Hey, is there anyone in there?”
“Leave me alone!” Replied Chafee.
“Come out of that closet and show yourself!”
“But I don’t want tooooooooooooooo”

Skunk sighed and looked at the door knob. It was a bit too high up for him to grab but with a little resourcefulness he probably could get to it.

---

Edward Snowden was typing away at his laptop, and then a display popped up reading: MA_08. “Bingo,” Snowden said triumphantly.

---

Turtlesauce and Palkia were trying to avoid Big Zam’s lasers, but the fact that they kept coming from virtually every direction made them a bit hard to avoid. Nevertheless, Palkia was actually doing a damn good job dodging them, of course Turtle had no intention of giving it any credit for that. Palkia tried hitting Big Zam with his dragon breath, but it dissipated just like every other attack it tried. Then Big Zam started charging something up from what appeared to be its biggest cannon. Here it comes. Thought Turtle. “Dildomon, DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!” Turtle yelled while hitting the Palkia. Palkia nodded and when the LARGE MEGA PARTICLE GUN was fired straight at them, Palkia used spacial rend on it, effectively cutting the beam in half… somehow. “That was alright Dildomon.” Turtlesauce commented, patting Palkia on the head. Palkia looked happy at that moment now that he was complimented for the very first time.

Dozle Zabi was at a loss for words. How did they even… he thought. He was about to order his two gunners to fire another LARGE MEGA PARTICLE GUN blast but suddenly some random white guy with glasses and a bloodstained shirt appeared on the monitor.
“Hello there.” Snowden said.
“Who the fuck are you?” Dozle responded angrily.
“Oh, just some guy. Well, either way I’m taking this.”

Suddenly, Dozle Zabi along with his two gunners were ejected from Big Zam. As Dozle Zabi was falling he felt a deep regret weighing down on his heart. If I am to die, I should have at least died with my ship. He thought sadly.
“Ooh, this is my chance!” Turtlesauce was obviously excited about the prospects of being able to kill an anime character. He jumped off Palkia bladed dildo in hand, and landed dildo first onto Zabi’s stomach, impaling Zabi. Turtlesauce was able to survive the fall without much trouble thanks to Zabi taking the brunt of the force, and Zabi was little more than blood on the pavement then.

Oh… and also the other gunners y’know, died on impact with the ground as well. Just pointing that out.

SEVENTH DEATH
Dozle Zabi-Sem

*Just note that since the actual fighter is listed as Big Zam, Big Zam is by no means out of the game.

---

Knuckles was falling down by Godzilla’s back, looking for an opening. He looked at the patch of flesh exposed flesh that seemed to be getting smaller and smaller before his eyes. Knuckles wasted no time and grabbed onto Godzilla, just a few meters away from the patch. And then, Knuckles started climbing. The patch of flesh kept getting smaller and smaller, but Knuckles caught up to it. The exposed flesh was now only a bit larger than Knuckles himself was. Knuckles hesitated for just a moment, put on his shovel claws, and started digging in.

Knuckles kept on digging, until he hit something a bit… different. It felt different from the rest of the flesh, it was oddly gelatinous. Well, in times like these there’s only one thing to do. And so… Knuckles punched it, and then he punched it, and then he punched it. Fire was coming out of his fists, he punched it again. His punch caused a fucking mini-explosion, punch it again. His fists were bleeding, punch it again.

Godzilla fell to the ground, and looked back at his legs. He tried to move them, but he simply couldn’t. His second brain had been destroyed.

As for Knuckles… well, ummmmm… all that radiation and shit inside Godzilla finally did him in.

EIGHT DEATH
Jump Glitch Knuckles-Juiz

---

Shadow and I were still duking it out. Electricity started coming out of my paw, flipper, things and I sent a bolt of MAGICAL electricity straight at Shadow.
“CHAOS CONTROL!”

I had hardly any idea what the hell happened after that, but somehow, I ended up bruised on my side and Shadow looked completely fine. Suddenly, an image of Godzilla on the ground popped into my mind.

After learning about Godzilla’s ordeal, a completely random thought crossed my mind and I laughed out loud.
“What are YOU *vomits* laughing about?” Shadow asked.

Oh right, I still have to deal with him. I thought. “Hey, don’t you still need to find your one true waifu?” I asked without a hint of sarcasm.
“Oh yeah, I do! Later then!” Shadow spun away just like that. Well, that was ridiculously easy... Guess I’ll be heading home now.

---

Sole Survivor ran towards the fallen tree, desperately searching for Dogmeat. She found Dogmeat, but he wasn’t moving. “DOGMEAT!” She cried out. Well, he wasn’t dead. He was crushed by the tree but that only incapacitated him. Sole Survivor scrambled for a stimpak, and fortunately, she found one. Dogmeat got up, good as new. Dogmeat started barking randomly, and Sole Survivor turned around. In front of her was a pretty fucking big elephant. Great… this is just what I needed. Sole Survivor thought.

---

Grocery Bag slowly slipped over the corpse of Screaming Goat, and went with the wind once again. Only time will tell who its next victim shall be…

---

“But Stallone, I’m just some random kid from Alabama… I’m no hero.” Said Sane with a sigh.
“It’s simple Luke… you can change.”
“But how?”
“I know you can do it, because I changed.”
“But…”
“IF I CAN CHANGE
AND YOU CAN CHANGE
EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!”

---

Sam Burgess stared down Eminem Fey, and then rushed straight at him. Eminem started spitting some fire again, but Sam Burgess paid no mind. He just rushed straight through the fire and SLAMMED HIM TO DA GROUND. Sam Burgess started punching Eminem repeatedly, while Eminem tried to respond by spitting more fire.
“Yo Sam Burgess OW you suck more than FUCK DUDE Sam dude
And that’s pretty bad OW FUCK DUDE because that dude’s a jew OW
My name is Slim Shady OW and I’m here to UGH say
That gripping EEK people’s balls is OW kinda gay”

These were some pretty deep burns, but Sam just kept on punching, and then he finished Eminem off with a squirrel grip. Eminem passed out and suddenly he reverted back to Pearl Fey. At this point Sam Burgess basically looked like Freddy Krueger, and Pearl Fey screamed. Goombario was still hiding behind the trash can, enjoying the nice crispy smell of burnt flesh. Aahhhh that’s nice. Thought Goombario, looking rather content. Sam Burgess looked behind him and then got off Pearl, rushing at Goombario.
“But mister! We’re allies remember? That was really cool by the way!”
“You said he was just some random ass white punk m8, you fucking traitor!” Sam Burgess yelled. Sam Burgess kept Goombario in place and then backed up a few steps. He then ran at Goombario and punted him over the horizon.

---

“But what do you want me to do?” Sane asked.
“Fulfill your destiny, become the Dildnose once more.” Sylvester Stallone replied.
“But Dildnose is… gone.” Sane replied sadly.
“No Luke, the Dildnose will always be within you.”
“But how?”
“You just have to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!”

Sane woke up and looked around. He saw a small girl crying for help, and some weird creepy burned dude approaching her. Justice time. Sane thought. He took out a dildo, and put it on his nose. Suddenly, Sane was in a completely different costume. He had a skin-tight pink bodysuit, with a symbol depicting a big black dick on his chest. He also wore a blue cape, and had a black mask covering his eyes.
“Who the fuck are you m8?” Sam Burgess asked turning around.
“I’m a defender of those that cannot defend themselves. I am a legend, I am an icon, I am an inspiration to all of those who want to fight back against oppression but don’t know how. I am an ally to justice, I am a nightmare to all of those who prey on the weak. I am a beacon of hope in a forsaken city. I am the one motherfucker that’s gonna kick your ass. I am that-”
“Yeah whatever m8, just fite me.”

Sane smiled and pulled out what appeared to be a dildo spray bottle. He pointed it at Sam Burgess, and sprayed out some strange transparent liquid. Sam Burgess cried out in pain, it was hand sanitizer. Sam was clearly quite angry now, and tried to rush Sane down. But when he tried to tackle Sane, his momentum ended up working against him. His neck ended up going straight into Sane’s dildnose, and it went straight through his neck. Sane pushed Sam off his precious dildnose and Sam simply fell to the ground. Slammin’ Sam was no more.

NINTH DEATH
SLAMMIN’ SAM BURGESS-Rocket

Pearl Fey got up and tried approaching Dildnose.
“You… saved me sir!” Pearl Fey said shyly.
“Indeed I did little girl, because that is JUSTICE!” Sane responded.

The Dildocopter landed behind Sane, and he boarded it.
“I’m sorry but I can’t stick around long, I have some more JUSTICE to serve!”
“Byeeeeeeeeeeee” Pearl Fey waved as Sane lifted off in his Dildocopter. What was that thing on his nose? Pearl Fey wondered.

---

Ghost Rider slowly got up and then shot some hellfire at Raven. Raven deflected it quickly and then responded by using her telekinesis to throw the C from the CVS to smack Ghost Rider down. Ghost Rider growled and got up again, taking a bit longer than last time. He looked at Raven and then rushed her down, trying to punch her. Raven dodged and then retaliated by kicking him in the face. Ghost Rider caught Raven with his chains and dragged her close to him, and then held onto her face with his hands. He got closer to Raven and looked her straight in the eyes for a… well, penance stare. Ghost Rider isn’t exactly the most romantic guy ever. Raven screamed and then fell to the ground, unconscious. Ghost Rider looked down on her, wondering what his next course of action might be. Ghost Rider detected another presence and turned his head. It was Kaname Kuran.
“Oh come on now, are you really that devoid of class? If you’re going to feel up a girl at least have the good grace to do it while she’s awake,” Kaname said with a smile, he then narrowed his eyes, “besides, she’s mine.”

TUNE IN FOR CHAPTER 6 WHERE MORE SHIT HAPPENS OR WHATEVER

[Samos]

*Just note that since the actual fighter is listed as Big Zam, Big Zam is by no means out of the game.

also getting worried about grocery bag

[sane]

DILDNOSE

[GonadTheNomad]

Wait, why does Grocery Bag only suffocate living being rather than disintegrate them like it did the cornfield?

[Lohuydahutt]

Wait, why does Grocery Bag only suffocate living being rather than disintegrate them like it did the cornfield?

Ummm... Because fuck you that's why

[Rocket]

sam no

well at least there was 3 squirrel grips

[Turtlesauce]

I'm pretty deadly, yo

[Lohuydahutt]

Chapter 6

Goombario ended up landing on Turtlesauce’s head, so both of them found themselves face first on the ground. Turtlesauce rubbed his head and slowly got up in a daze, hardly even knowing what happened. But his eyes immediately lit up when he saw what appeared to be a walking dick with a hat on the ground.

“YOU. GOOD MAN. JOIN ME. PLEASE.” Said Turtle sounding simultaneously excited and robotic… somehow.

Huh, this is the first time anyone asked me to join them… it was always the other way around… I don’t trust this… Thought Goombario as he gazed at Turtlesauce analytically. Ohoho, so that’s why!

“Really? You’d want to let some weakling like me on your team?” Goombario replied nervously.
“No worries! Any man that possesses even a quarter of the love of dildos that I do is more than worthy of joining my squad!” Turtlesauce answered followed by a hearty laugh.

Goombario looked at Turtle, and then at the Palkia behind him. Meh why not? Goombario thought to himself.
“If you think so, then I guess I can’t refuse! I want to be big and tough just like you some day!”
“It’s a deal then! I’m glad someone can acknowledge my amazingness.”
Turtle motioned for Goombario to board the Palkia with him, and Palkia eyed Goombario suspiciously. Goombario deliberately ignored the Palkia, and Turtle didn’t even notice in the first place.

---

Godzilla roared out in pain and attempted to move his legs again… Nothing. Godzilla’s only course of action was to crawl now.

---

“... Yeah... uhuh... I don’t give a shit about the costs, I just want it done… Yep, I’ll be waiting for it.” I hung up the phone. This is going to be fun.

---

Skunk found a cheap plastic stool and came back to the closet.
“OK sir, you have one last chance to get out of the closet, or I’ll make you.” Skunk said, trying his hardest to sound intimidating, to very little success.
“But I like it in hereeeeeeee” Chafee complained.
Skunk put the stool in front of the door and stood on it. He reached up for the handle and opened the door. He spotted Lincoln Chafee huddling up in a corner and forcibly pulled him out of the closet.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO” Chafee cried out, greatly distressed.
Skunk grabbed his staff and started hitting Chafee again and again, until it eventually snapped.

Skunk looked down at his broken staff then up at Chafee, who was seemingly unharmed.
“But… How?” Skunk stammered.
“I’ll have you know I’m like a block of Granite when it comes to the issues… Like a uh, kicking your butt,” Lincoln Chafee responded cooly.

Suddenly men in black suits and sunglasses armed with MP5s burst onto the scene.
“PROTECT THE PRESIDENT!”
“SAVE THE PRESIDENT!”
“PURRTECT THE PURRSIDENT!
“GURD THE POURDIDENT”
“EJECT THE PRESIDENT!”
“ERECT THE PRESIDENT!”
“DISSECT THE PRESIDENT!”
“UNPROTECTED SEX WITH THE PRESIDENT!”
“FLIBBITY FLOO!”

They were the Secret Service. They all pointed their guns at Skunk in unison. Chafee smiled.
“So this is um, why you should not mess with me, Lincoln Chafee, who is now the new president of the United States of the America.”
“Ummm… I’m sorry sir, I’ll go now.” Skunk tried to walk away but paused when he saw the Secret Service look very ready to shoot. And then, a smelly green gas came out of Skunk’s behind, covering the area. There was a lot of shouting and even more gunfire.

Lincoln Chafee surveyed the area as the gas cleared. All of his agents were on the floor, dead and riddled with bullet holes. Skunk was nowhere to be found.

---

Ghost Rider clenched his fists and ran at Kaname. Kaname stood still while Ghost Rider rushed at him then caught Rider’s fist once he threw a punch. Ghost Rider found himself on the ground, and Kaname drew out a sword. He thrust it into Ghost Rider’s chest, aiming for the heart. However Ghost Rider is a spoopy scary skeleton and as such it did nothing. Ghost Rider took the sword out of Kaname’s hands with his chains and started wielding it himself. He swung at Kaname, grazing his shoulder. Kaname clenched his shoulder in pain and glared at Ghost Rider. The fight was cut short though.
“GREETINGS FUTURE WAIFUUUUUUSSSSS *vomits*”
“Who’s that guy?” Ghost Rider looked towards Kaname for an answer. Kaname shrugged.
“Oh fire dude, you’re new! Ooooh edgy, wanna be my waifu?”
“Sure.”
“REALLY?”
“No.”
“Oh. I’ll be leaving then.” And so, just as soon as he came, Shadow left. Kaname and Ghost Rider watched him spin away, not moving at all. Raven got up slowly while they weren’t looking. She saw Kaname, rubbed her eyes, and then looked at him again.
“Well, I thought you were dead.” Raven said in an emotionless way.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Kaname replied.
“Ah well, guess I’ll just have to try harder then.” Raven said.
“Hey I’m still here.” Ghost Rider piped in.
“I suppose so.” Kaname said dismissively.
It’s not gay when it’s a three-way.

---

Sole Survivor pointed a plasma rifle at the elephant, standing her ground. They stood still, staring at each other for a long period of time. Dogmeat barked, Sole Survivor started sweating, and then… the elephant put its head down. It was pacified… somehow. Sole Survivor approached the elephant, and prepared to hop onto it. But then something caught her leg. She looked down at a vine which appeared to be tightening its grip. Sole Survivor tried pulling out her axe but the vine started tugging, dragging her away. Dogmeat started running after her, and Sole Survivor tried scrambling for a weapon of some kind. South Sudan had no intention of letting her leave.

---

As Grocery Bag drifted through the wind, there was a rather sudden change of both scenery, temperature, and humidity. There was plenty of nature to destroy here, that much was for certain. Well, all of the nature that wasn’t already shot to death from before the people were cleared out anyway.

---

Edward Snowden was typing away at his laptop, excited to make use of his new toy. Now let’s see what this baby can do.

Big Zam fired his LARGE MEGA PARTICLE GUN at the NSA Building, completely obliterating it in one shot. Edward Snowden looked out of his window to see it for himself, and laughed maniacally.

Pearl Fey tried cowering away when she saw the building being destroyed, but before she could run and hide something overtook her. She grew once again, and her skin turned red, and she wasn’t even human anymore. She was now… Jump Glitch Knuckles in a kimono. Seriously what the fuck? Knuckles Fey looked towards Big Zam and started jumping.

Turtlesauce saw Big Zam destroy the building and ordered Palkia to fly towards Zam. After they got up about 10 meters away from the Zam, Turtle smacked the Palkia. “SERIOUSLY COULD YOU HAVE GOTTEN HERE ANY SLOWER?” Goombario observed Turtlesauce’s treatment of Palkia and smiled evilly. Oh that Palkia must resent that man so much… I can use that to my advantage, Goombario thought. His train of thought was broken when Turtlesauce pointed out what appeared to be a giant helicopter… shaped like a dick.
“This guy… I like this guy!” Turtlesauce said excitedly, and ordered Palkia to fly over to the Dildocopter.

“How do you do kind sir?” Turtlesauce asked Sane, randomly trying to do a British accent.
“I’m doing fine, I’m just here to serve some JUSTICE!” Sane responded.
“Well chap, I see you have a fine dildo over there, I believe you to be a worthy member of our fine Dildo League!” Turtlesauce said.
“A Dildo… League?” Sane asked.
“Yes, the Dildo League. A league where dildo loving men such as me, you, and this guy,” Turtlesauce gestured towards Goombario, “join together for some DILDO JUSTICE!”
“Ooh, I’m a fan of JUSTICE!”
“Then want to join the League old chap?”
“OF COURSE!”

And so, the Dildo League gained a 3rd member… Palkia doesn’t count. They looked towards Big Zam, who was shooting its lasers at everything in sight. Up, there goes the Minimum Security Prison. Big Zam leveled the CVS as well.

Edward Snowden was just typing away at his computer still, laughing his head off. He pointed at something, clicked shoot, and boom, it was gone. It was quite empowering really.

As the Dildo League approached Big Zam, they saw some jumping red thing wearing a kimono and a weird girly hairstyle seemed to be beating them to it. Knuckles latched onto Big Zam from behind and started punching, leaving decent sized dents in Zam’s hull.

“Oh no, no, no it can’t end so soon! I was just getting started!” Snowden pouted. He frantically tried to figure out what else his Big Zam could do. He looked at the option for the Ant_Air.MPG and tried clicking that.

Big Zam started shooting out smaller beams in all directions coming from it, forcing Palkia and Sane to retreat a bit. It did nothing to stop Knuckles though. Knuckles continued to punch, and eventually it appeared he broke through the hull. Fucking killstealer Turtle thought as he ordered Palkia to rush at Knuckles.

What, it’s overheating? Damnit… How the fuck am I supposed to deal with that? Snowden thought. While he may be Edward fucking Snowden, it was not like he could learn all the complexities of running Big Zam within minutes.

Knuckles was about to start digging into the Zam, but suddenly he got knocked away by something floppy and started falling down. Knuckles was able to land safely on the ground but it was unlikely he could jump back up fast enough.

Turtlesauce looked down at the open hull of Big Zam. He had absolutely no idea what to make of the inner workings of the Zam. Well, when in doubt… Turtlesauce thought, he drew out a large, hard dildo and started hitting Big Zam.

Edward Snowden sighed and clicked a certain display reading: Self_Destruct. Edward Snowden resolved to cut his losses.

Turtlesauce continued to hit Big Zam with the dildo, and felt Big Zam starting to heat up even more, and at a rather quick rate. Shit this is bad, Turtle thought. He had no means of flying on his own so he called out to his Dildo League.

“GET TO THE CHOPPAH!” Sane yelled out, holding out his hand while still flying the Dildocopter. Turtlesauce jumped towards Sane and just barely caught onto his hand. Sane struggled to lift Turtlesauce up, and then started flying away from Big Zam.

3…
2..
1…

Big Zam exploded, Sane and Turtle just barely escaped the blast.

TENTH DEATH
Big Zam-Sam

“Would you look at that! I totally got that guy, I didn’t even know I had that much power![/I] Turtle said while looking triumphant. Goombario watched Turtle and chuckled a bit to himself. What an imbecile. I will enjoy disposing of him. Goombario thought. He walked up to Turtlesauce.
“Woah, did you really just do that? That was amazing!” Goombario said cheerfully.
“I know right? I’m so great I must not even know my own strength,” Turtlesauce responded smugly.

Sane patted Turtle on the back. He was holding a dildo shaped bottle of soda because I’m pretty sure he’s still under the legal drinking age =P
“Let us celebrate for the JUSTICE served today!”
“Cheers!”

TUNE IN FOR CHAPTER 7 WHERE UMMM… SOMEONE GOES TO HEAV- wait I think I already used that pun before.

[sane]

Haven't read yet but I literally always log back on the forum as soon as you post a new chapter.

I'M PRETTY SURE I'M A GROWN ASS MAN

[GonadTheNomad]

It seems unfair that Sam's character basically got to die twice.

I mean it died and it gone forever but still.