And now, Dogmeat is a better version of Laika. Surviving without a spaceship, and you know, actually surviving.
And now, Dogmeat is a better version of Laika. Surviving without a spaceship, and you know, actually surviving.
Chapter 10
The Sun Also Rises, that was a book I read for English class recently. That book has absolutely nothing to do with this.
Here comes the sun, doo doo doo doo
Here comes the sun, and I sayyyyyy
It’s alrighttttttt
Yeah that fits. OK seriously that sun rose ridiculously quickly.
Sole Survivor noticed increased levels of radiation covering the arena, it had little effect on her however. As such, she walked onwards unaffected.
Grocery Bag wasn’t enjoying the sun much. Grocery Bag felt Wal-Mart logo on him slowly starting to get a bit faded. Fuck this sun was 2 stronk.
Kaname Kuran shielded his eyes as the sun started glaring through the window. Lincoln Chafee noticed Kaname’s visible discomfort and clenched his fists. A random Secret Services agent burst in.
“MR. PRESIDENT I GOT A SUNBURN :c” He cried out.
“That’s uhhhh ermmmm bad and I commend you for your service.” Lincoln Chafee replied. He was starting to get a hang of it.
“THANKS MR. PRESIDENT!”
“Chafee dear, I’m thirsty.” Kaname said casually.
“Well ummm come on man I just got here how do you expect me to address that?” Chafee responded.
“Give me permission.”
“You have permission for whatever you’re asking for.”
If it wasn’t for that one guy’s sunburn he would have been pale as fuck after Kaname was through with him. Lincoln Chafee watched in absolute horror, but when Kaname turned his face back towards him he was reminded about how much of a sexy motherfucker he was. Damn you and your masculine wiles I MEAN WHAT, Lincoln Chafee thought.
“I feel a lot better now, thank you.” Kaname said with a smile.
I want to preserve that smile I MEAN WHAT, Chafee thought.
Edward Snowden was sifting through my computer, bypassing my half-assed security measures with ease. Huh… so you mean to tell me the sun is considered an actual fighter? Snowden thought.
Snowden started hijacking my story-
Hello, my name is Edward Snowden.
I’m the best.
He’s full of shit-
No you
No you
Shut up and let me type this
Dude if you want this to be a-
Fuck you
Oh :c
It’s mine now bitch
Come on if you don’t stop this the story won’t get anywhere
Fineeeeeeeeee
I’m the writer of the story, not some American bitch with glasses, oh wait I kind of am one irl, well my hair is longer so FUCK HIM
Speaking of me, I was probably away from my computer a bit too long. As the sun’s solar winds stripped away our ozone, we were very rapidly going to be completely and utterly fucked. But I had more pressing matters to attend to, like this little bitch. Shadow went into a ball and started spinning faster. Gee, I wonder what this could be.
Shadow rushed at me, and I conjured up a brick wall to block his path. Shadow burst straight through it and as such, I got a spin dash to the face.
“Oh it’s on now bitch.” I said, attempting to sound angry but not really succeeding.
“*vomits* good!” Shadow responded.
Shadow flew at me attempting a spinning kick, I rolled out of the way, and flopped at Shadow FASTER THAN DA SPEED OF SOUND
and Shadow barely felt it :c Damnit if I’m the protagonist of the story I need to be more bad ass, get it together Log!
Raven retreated from the sun as quickly as she could, she really had a bad feeling about this.
Ghost Rider slowly got up. She’s a feisty one isn’t she? Ghost Rider thought. Ghost Rider looked around, he wasn’t in Kansas any more. He wasn’t in Iowa anymore either, but then again, those are basically the same thing. OK not really. Oh hey, Godzilla in a wheelchair.
Ghost Rider looked up at Godzilla, destroying buildings, wrecking shit, in a wheelchair. This menace had to be stopped, probably. Ghost Rider didn’t give a shit about the sun, he was already on fire. Godzilla did not give a shit about the sun, he was already radioactive as fuck.
Palkia entered a new dimension, and it looked trippier than the first. He saw visions of Turtle draped in an American flag among many other Americans tossing a shit load of dildos into one giant ass fire while singing the Pokémon theme song in Japanese. Yeah, this couldn’t be reality either. Palkia opened another portal and entered yet another dimension.
And then, the Dildnose vs Dildo Master battle commenced. Turtle rushed at Sane, dildo first. Sane blocked it with both dildo-tonfas and then thrust them outwards, sending Turtle’s arms back and leaving him open for a dildo jab. Turtle got a bit angrier and swung at Sane again, but Sane blocked, again. But Turtle was ready for this and kicked Sane STRAIGHT IN DA NUTS
“OW FUCK DUDE!” Sane yelled out in pain after he regained his breath.
“Any last words?” Turtle said, holding the dildo blade to Sane’s neck.
“Dildos.”
“Great choice.”
But this was not Sane’s time to go, he had secretly taken out a small dildo shape capsule and threw it onto the ground, enveloping both of them in smoke. Turtle soon found himself with a dildo tonfa around his neck and was bashed in the head a few times with short end of the dildo tonfa. Turtle grabbed at Sane’s dildnose and squeezed it, forcing Sane to loosen his grip. Turtle distanced himself a few meters away from Sane and stared him down. He drew out a different dildo from his ass. This one’s hole was a bit… enlarged.
“This dildo contains hydrochloric acid, you don’t want to mess with it.” Turtle said confidently.
“Orly” Sane pulled out a dildorang which knocked the Acid Gun Dildo Thing straight out of Turtle’s hands. Turtle tried to pick the gun back up but the impact destabilized something, so the dildo gun melted.
“Well shit-” Turtle was cut off when Sane shot a small, sharp dildo that pierced through Turtle’s shirt and then hooked onto it. It was attached to a cable and Sane sent Turtle towards him and Tonfa’d him RIGHT IN DA FACE!
That was the last straw. Turtle drew out his ULTIMATE WEAPON! It appeared to be a rocket launcher of sorts, but it was pink. Also instead of having like, a regular rocket it looked like the head of a penis… Obviously.
“This is heat seeking, you’re not getting away from this.” Turtle said with even more confidence than earlier.
“What the fuck does that mean?” Sane looked confused.
“It follows after the hottest thing.”
“Oh.”
Turtle shot shot the dick rocket at Sane, and Sane closed his eyes to brace himself. When the rocket was a few inches away from Sane’s face, it suddenly turned around.
Sole Survivor saw a flying dick coming straight at her, and she drew out a plasma rifle to try and shoot it, but it turned around before she could shoot at it.
Raven saw what appeared to be a dick flying straight at her. She was prepare to telekinetically throw it away or something, but then it turned away.
Kaname was minding his own damn business, and then he got pierced by something. And then he exploded. Lincoln Chafee was in another room at a time but rushed to the scene in horror. Kaname was pretty much just some charcoal on the floor at this point.
FOURTEENTH-
Nah he’s fine. But Lincoln Chafee didn’t know that.
Don’t worry, I will fulfill your one last wish, Lincoln Chafee was tearing up, but behind those tears was a look of conviction. Lincoln Chafee remembered another part of the tape.
“... Also, if you’re not content with nuking those Russians and a shit load of brown people, our top scientists have found a way to destroy everybody as a last resort. That monument in Whogivesafuck, Iowa is not what it seems. It is actually the integral piece of our most secretive project. We call it Operation STARBURST. What you see in the center of that town is actually the most devastating weapon created by man. It’s a special missile that can fly at almost half the speed of light, and it has the destructive potential to blow up our very own star. I know you may be wondering, ‘Why the hell would we even want to make something like that?’ And the answer is, President Chafee, because this is AMERICA and we can do whatever the fuck we want. You Mr. President can make the decision whenever you feel it is necessary.”
Lincoln Chafee pulled out what appeared to be a remote control with one giant ass red button in the center. He paused for just a second, and then pressed it.
… OK, now I have to do something. I conjured up a box of concrete around Shadow and trapped him in. He was going to break out of there in no time, but it was enough for me to get the fuck out of there without him chasing after me.
When Turtle’s hot-seeking dildo missile failed, Sane rushed Turtle down and beat him to the ground. Sane had both dildo tonfas pointed at Turtle’s neck. Being the original Dildnose, Sane simply had more time than Turtle to master his craft. His simple experience advantage put him over the edge.
“Any last words man?” Sane asked Turtle sarcastically.
“Dildos.” Turtle looked towards the great dildo monument, and watched the smoke seep up from the ground. Somehow, he knew what was about to happen.
“Great choice.”
“DILDOS!” Turtle suddenly shouted out. With a newfound adrenaline rush he pushed Sane away with great force, Sane was sent spinning into the air and landed dildnose first into the ground. The dildnose was stuck, and Sane tried to pull it out. This would have left Sane completely open to Turtle’s attack, but Turtle had different plans. Sane finally got himself unstuck and looked towards the Great Monument of Whogivesafuck, which Turtle had latched onto.
“What the shit are you doing Turtle?” Sane yelled out.
“If I am to die, I cannot possibly think of a better way to go out. This is a once in a lifetime chance!” Turtle replied.
“IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY MAN!”
Sane could have said more, but suddenly the Whogivesafuck Monument shot up into the air, and disappeared in a flash. Sane looked at the empty hole in the ground where the Whogivesafuck Monument and Turtle once were just a second ago. Well, if he wants to go out with a bang, let him. Sane thought, and then turned around suddenly when he saw Goombario in a kimono.
“You… You made me do this.”
“I thought you did a damn good job! I could only dream of being as badass as you!” Goombario said enthusiastically.
“Did I…?” Sane asked sadly.
The missile was flying towards the sun, and Turtlesauce was still able to breathe in space because plot convenience. Could this fucking thing go faster? Turtle thought. At this point it was about 10 minutes before impact. Turtle’s grip on that dildo was really astounding.
I arrived at my house, and rushed towards the control room. As I rushed up I ended up bonking my head at an invisible wall, and got quite the shock. So Snowden managed to hack in huh? OK, yeah, I already knew that.
“Oh hello there, I see you have arrived.” Edward Snowden said.
“Snowden, get real here, if you want the control panel, you can have it. But literally all of us are going to die if you don’t put those shields up.” I said, trying to sound like I was trying not to sound desperate.
“Hmmm…? If the shields keeping you from butchering the shit out of me are the exact same as those surrounding the arena, wouldn’t it logically follow that I’d be completely safe in here? If that happens, I would win by default now wouldn’t I?” Snowden said, god damnit why can’t he be stupider?
“But you’d run out of air eventually.” I replied. Can’t argue with that logic can he?
“Would that really matter if I were to win? Time would freeze, I would be completely rejuvenated, and then I’d be rolling in lots of dough back at the true planet earth. There is absolutely no risk and a high reward if I just hole myself up in here.” Fuck, he knows about that. What he doesn’t know is that there would actually be another fighter in there with him. One that I doubt he could ever beat.
There were 8 minutes left.
Oh well.
They were my shields, I would be stupid if I didn’t know how to get past them. I flopped forward and phased through the shields. Why? Because I’m a magic motherfucker.
“Well. If you could do that all along why didn’t you do that before?” Snowden asked, obviously confused.
“Well, I wanted to make it so it looked like there was at least a little bit of suspense. But you didn’t fucking play along. Fine then!” I was not in the mood to deal with his shit. I got back onto the computer and entered the commands to put the shields up full force. Snowden did not try to stop me. The shields enveloped the entire arena. The shields did not let much light through, so the arena was covered in darkness once more, protected from the sun’s influence. I sighed in relief.
4 minutes until impact… Hey where did Snowden run off to?
2 minutes until impact… Turtle stared at the sun, at his destiny. Realistically he would be blind as fuck by now, but the Dildo Gods granted him specials eyes so he could see just fine because plot convenience or whatever. He knew the Dildo Gods would grant him a beautiful afterlife.
1 minute until impact… Oh hi Edward Snowden, OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS HE CARRYING?
Snowden’s eyes were red, there was a bit of vomit on his shirt, he looked fucking insane. And in his hand was a Hakapik.
“OK, OK man, you can have it.” I backed away from the computer slowly, he had my one true weakness in the palm of his hands.
“Damn right I can.” Snowden said, he did not sound good.
I got the fuck out of there.
1 second before impact.
And then… boom. The supernova enveloped the entire solar system, enveloping damn near everything except for our humble little abode. Poor Turtle went out on his own terms, just the way he wanted to. By riding a giant dildo into the sun. He ended up dying from the heat before the explosion happened though... Ah well. Either way, the Dildo Gods above shall reward him greatly.
FOURTEENTH DEATH
Turtlesauce-Turtlesauce
The sun, which exploded in a blaze of glory did not survive unfortunately.
FIFTEENTH DEATH
The Motherfucking SUN-Gonad
Dogmeat was orbiting around the arena at the time and was not within the shield. As such, he got caught in the explosion.
SIXTEENTH DEATH
Dogmeat-Kubb-
Wait… You mean to tell me that thing’s STILL fucking alive? That supernova didn’t even burn off his hair? I don’t even…
Oh well, either way, all but those have been spared from impending doom. The arena has been enveloped in darkness once more. But hey, we have some pretty strong streetlights!
TUNE IN FOR CHAPTER ELEVEN BECAUSE THAT’S WHEN MORE STUFF HAPPENS
Spoiler:
I am PolarBore's official Assistant Mangager (again)
Ah.. going out with a bang..
As in banging the Sun with a dildo.
Classic me.
I love you Loh
Originally Posted by Dion
"“Oh it’s on now bitch.” I said, attempting to sound angry but not really succeeding."
Awesome.
I like this
I feel like this chapter is a bit more disjointed than usual, which is saying quite a bit. That's totally just to fit the tone and not just bad writing I SWEAR =P
Chapter 11
I decided to set up base in DOTA Nerd’s house for now and wait this one out. It will all be over soon enough anyway.
Edward Snowden was starting to realize the full extent of the power taking over the control panel (A.K.A. my laptop) can give him. Oh hey, what does this do? He thought. Well shit, almost everybody else was thinking a few seconds later.
Ghost Rider heard a noise and looked up to the sky, and it looked like the fucking apocalypse. Large fireballs about a meter in diameter were falling down on the sky, one of which landed on Ghost Rider directly… obviously Ghost Rider didn’t give a shit.
Godzilla was less capable of avoiding the fireballs simply due to his size. It was like setting fire to the rain for Godzilla, and I didn’t think of getting him a giant umbrella DAMNIT! But you know, it’s Godzilla, he didn’t give a shit either. Godzilla was instead pissed that the fireballs were kind of destroying some of the remaining skyscrapers. THAT’S HIS JOB DAMNIT!
A fireball fell a few feet away from Sane and Goombario-in-a-kimono. Goombario yelped and suddenly became plain ole’ Pearl Fey once more. Pearl cried out in fear when she saw, well, fucking giant ass fireballs everywhere. Sane’s sense of JUSTICE came back again and he took Pearl Fey in his arms. He rushed around the town trying to find a safe spot.
Grocery Bag was riding the wind and narrowly avoiding the- bah who am I kidding it just LOOKS like it’s riding the wind. IT’S ALL A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY ACTUALLY!
Raven saw it all coming down… and she casually used her Soul-Self to put up what appeared to be a giant shadow umbrella. She read a book under the umbrella paying absolutely no attention to the rain of fire.
Shadow actually got a dead on hit by the fireballs, but he just kept on spinning away, seemingly unharmed. Because… why not?
And somewhere amid those fireballs… came a different fiery thing crashing down to earth. There was now a giant crater near the Minimum Security Prison, and Dogmeat got up completely unharmed.
Snowden came back from the bathroom, and then upon observing the rain of fire’s effects he came to the scientific conclusion that this wasn’t actually accomplishing much. He found another command that did something interesting…
Then some strange robots materialized around the outer borders of the arena. They were ball shaped, they had flippers, they were robo-spheals who am I kidding? They opened their robo mouths and a light blue ball shaped energy started accumulating around their mouths, and when it got big enough, they all shot the balls out in unison.
Kaname Kuran and Lincoln Chafee stood out in the street and let these balls hit them dead on because they don’t give a shit. The balls immediately froze their legs to the ground upon contact. But Kaname used his POWAH and melted them away almost as quickly. Kaname Kuran turned his head towards Chafee and looked him straight in the eyes.
“We must do something about this my friend.” Kaname said, seductively, probably.
“... Friend…” Chafee responded sounding weirdly sorrowful.
“Oh come on now, don’t be like that! Chin up, you’re the President of the United States.” Kaname said reassuringly, gently lifting Chafee’s head up with his finger.
Ice isn’t very nice, therefore, flamethrowers. This was the logic Sole Survivor probably used. Sole Survivor was near the border anyway, so she started rushing after the robots. She set one on fire with her flamethrower, it broke, and then another robo-spheal materialized. The robo-spheals started charging up for their next attack, and the blue balls were even bigger now yo. Sole Survivor flipped over them like a badass though.
Ghost Rider also decided to get in on the robo-smashing action, he got on his bike and just started mowing down every poor robo-spheal in sight.
Palkia suddenly snapped back to reality from his portal. UP THERE GOES GRAVIT- nope. Pearl Fey looked like something was about to happen right then, but she too just slumped back into Sane’s arms while the guy just started jumping on the poor robo-spheals Mario style ;n; But yeah, the psychedelic effects of Goombario were finally starting to wear off, and Palkia was back with a vengeance. At the time he had no idea of what happened to his master.
Ghost Rider ended up mowing down every robo-spheal, but they kept on popping up again. They shot out even bigger ice balls, now about the height of your average guy. They mowed down building, pretty much everything started collapsing. Those that could have been killed by these attacks managed to evade them, and those who don’t either evaded them or didn’t give a shit (particularly Big G).
Edward Snowden was getting frustrated, his assault managed to destroy the buildings far more than any of it hurt the contestants. Therefore, it was pretty much a failure. He started to consider the last resort option.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
Some say the world will just fucking explode.
Fin.
It was at that moment where I decided to barge in. The house was protected by MAGICAL force fields, but I bypassed them as per usual. I swiftly got back to the room where Snowden was. Oh geez, the damn room smells like last night’s Chipotle and deep regrets, ugh. Snowden’s eyes were red, and he was ready for me. He had his Hakapik in hand, forcing me to stay back.
“OK, it doesn’t have to be like this mang.” I said, trying to reason with him.
“Oh? But why not? If I am guaranteed not to win, give me one logical reason why I should let anybody else win either.” Snowden said.
Well, you would hand Dogmeat the win, I thought. “You’re insane!”
“Am I now? The truth of the matter is, you’re just a sadistic fuck that wants to see everybody kill each other and then swoop in at the end to get the ‘win.’ Am I right?” Snowden said, with his hand on the mouse.
“Oh come on now, enjoying Battle Royales isn’t sadism in the least! It’s just pure entertainment mang.” I replied.
“Oho, you arrogant jackass, you remind me of the American government so much it’s scary. You just watch over us citizen’s each and every move and then arbitrarily decide when and where you want to intervene. Violence is completely fine when you’re not in any danger now isn’t it?” Snowden said bitterly.
“Look, I know I suck. But if you do that, you’ll suck even more than I do mang. I’d dare say you’d suck more than Sam.” I said.
“It’s too late-” Snowden was about to click on the wonderful SELF DESTRUCT EVERYTHING button, but then something happened.
He hunched over, and threw up on the ground. However his stomach contents now on the floor looked… red. He then rolled his eyes back and blood burst out from all of his pores and he promptly collapsed onto the ground.
…
Because that’s TOTALLY what Ebola does right?
DISCLAIMER: That’s not what it does at all.
SIXTEENTH DEATH
Edward Snowden-Clemi
Oh well, the dude’s dead. Ebola can be pretty convenient like that. But how will I clean this up…? Ah well, seals can’t catch Ebola. But I could use this stuff to my advantage. I got out a vial and scooped up some of his blood for a little… sample.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
This is onlyyyyyyyy halfwaaaayyyyyyyyyy
Pretty much every single building in Whogivesafuck, Iowa was completely demolished by now. Like, every, single, one. So… Time to magic everything back to its original state!
*magic*
Oh hey, every single building is repaired because I said so. Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyy. Moving on.
Kaname Kuran caught sight of Dogmeat, and could immediately tell something was off about that dog. He silently motioned to Lincoln Chafee, and Chafee froze.
“Hmm? What’s wrong?” Kaname asked looking confused.
“But that’s uh uhhhh just a dog. We are a civilized nation, we must not stomp on those that are weaker than us.”
“I’m Japanese.”
“But I like dogs :c”
Kaname Kuran didn’t give a shit. He glared at Chafee’s Secret Service agents and they had no problem following him. I mean, the president didn’t EXPLICITLY say no.
The five Secret Service agents surrounded Dogmeat, and Dogmeat growled. Dogmeat rushed at the guy in the middle and bit at his crotch.
“AAAAHHHHH FUCK”
“SHIT THEY GOT JIM”
“PROTECT THE PRESIDENT”
“PROTECT MY ASS”
“FUCK DOGS”
“YAY GUNS!”
After the dust cleared, all of the Secret Service agents were dead on the ground, they ended up all shooting each other. Dogmeat on the other hand? He was completely unharmed. Well then, what do we have here? Kaname smiled. It was obviously not easily harmed by conventional means, that could only mean one thing in Kaname’s eyes. Kaname drew out his sword.
Sole Survivor heard the gunfire, and spotted Dogmeat in the distance. She wanted to rush in and save him, but that could have led to trouble depending on how tough the hot sexy animoo guy was. She cautiously approached.
Lincoln Chafee silently crept away, he was starting to run out of Secret Service agents by now. A lone figure with a dildo on his nose and a small little girl in his arms landed right in front of him, blocking Chafee’s way.
“Hey, um, by EXECUTIVE ORDER could you let me through?” Chafee said.
“Dude, did you really just leave your ally behind so casually? You sneaky bastard. You deserve to be brought to JUSTICE!”
“Hey, I didn’t leave Kaname’s party, Kaname’s party left me.” Chafee said, trying to bullshit his way out of the question.
“How could you give up on your friend?” Sane pleaded, TOTALLY not projecting at all.
“Mister… this guy scares me…” Pearl Fey gripped onto Sane’s neck tighter. Sane patted her head and reassured her.
“Well, just as you said, JUSTICE well uh, matters. I mean, JUSTICE? See how that works. Pedophillia is illegal, the law said so. So by that logic I think you might want to well, bring yourself to JUSTICE! How could you wear such an obscene costume in front of a child?” Chafee said, smirking since he TOTALLY got that guy.
“Hey man, the dildnose is an integral part of who I am!” Sane responded defensively.
“What’s a dildnose?” Pearl Fey asked.
“Oh shit.” Sane said.
“Hey, I just want to end all of these conflicts. So uh, you and me can go our separate ways and it’ll be all good.” Chafee said, putting his diplomacy skillz to the test.
“ok” Sane replied.
And so, they both went down separate paths.
In the middle of the path Lincoln Chafee went down, he saw a lone, unsuspecting grocery bag. Being the crusader for the environment that he is, he could not STAND to see such a horrible thing desecrate this beautiful town. So he picked it up and stuffed it in his pocket. He would decide what to do with it later.
Sane ended up encountering Palkia, who was tearing shit up again. He approached the Palkia with caution, not knowing what to expect. Palkia roared.
“Hey man, Turtle’s gone.” Sane said, skipping straight to the point.
Palkia looked angry and roared even louder.
“But it’s all good, he died on his own terms.”
Palkia looked lost.
“As the original dildnose, I should have the right to be your master.” Sane continued.
Palkia grunted, and suddenly tried to lash out at Sane. Sane backed off a bit. It looks like Sane had to prove his worth. He put Pearl Fey to the side and instructed her to hide. He took out his dildo-tonfas and prepared for battle.
Raven was reading her book when she got distracted by a certain spinning hedgehog.
“RAVEN MY DARLING, YOU ARE THE ONLY WAIFU FOR ME!” Shadow plead. Raven responded by telekinetically smacking him onto the ground repeatedly. She was tired of this guy’s shit.
“I WILL SHOW YOU MY WORTH ONCE AND FOR ALL IN BATTLE!” Shadow yelled out.
“I never agreed to this.” Raven objected.
“YOU MUST BE MY WAIFU IF I BEAT YOU!” Shadow was serious, after constant rejection, this was all he could do.
“Fine, maybe I will.” Raven smiled, she only said that because she was quite confident that she wasn’t going to lose.
“IT’S SETTLED THEN!” Shadow yelled out, and prepared to fight. Raven then realized something.
“Wait… how did you know my name?”
At this point, Godzilla was getting a bit bored of Tokyo.
CHAPTER TWELVES IS UP NEXT IF YOU COULDN’T TELL, LOOK FORWARD TO THAT
Spoiler:
I am PolarBore's official Assistant Mangager (again)
Damn dude, Snowden verbally rekt you
Snowden'd
Here's another longer one :3 (well, actually it was probably going to be somewhat shorter but I decided to just put the death scene I had planned for the next chapter into this one. So yeah.)
Chapter 12
And thus, on the twelfth fucking chapter, half of the contestants are dead. Geez this is taking a while.
Do you know what else was taking a while? Cleaning Edward fucking Snowden off the floor. I… Disposed of the body. And then I used bleach to help get the blood off. This had the added bonus of killing off the remaining virus on the floor. Yay.
Grocery Bag slipped out of Chafee’s pocket. Chafee noticed this immediately and started running after it.
“WAIT, by EXECUTIVE ORDER I bid you stop immediately!” Lincoln Chafee yelled out.
Well, let’s forget about that dildo. Here’s some more dildos =D
Sane rushed at Palkia, ducking under the hydro pump Palkia shot out. But when Sane got close, Palkia smacked Sane away with an aqua tail, and Sane face planted into the ground. His dildnose was stuck, he tried to pull it out, but Palkia used this as an opportunity. The ground erupted right under Sane’s dildnose, and Sane was sent flying once more. Conveniently, he just so happened to land right next to his dildocopter.
Sane took to the air with his dildocopter, and Palkia followed suit. Sane clicked a button, and a laser beam shot out of the head of the dildocopter. Palkia responded with a hydro pump, causing the beams to clash. But Palkia’s was stronger and it slowly overtook the dildocopter’s beam… A few seconds later the once proud dildocopter was simply a wreckage on the ground.
SEVENTEENTH DEATH
Dildocopter-Sane
Palkia roared triumphantly, but it was too early to call it a victory. Sane actually jumped out of the dildocopter and landed straight on Palkia’s head dildo tonfa first. Palkia was sent crashing into the ground. When the dust finally cleared, Sane was on top. Therefore, Palkia was officially his bitch.
“YO ADRIAN, I DID ITTTTT oh wait her name wasn’t Adrian… What was it again?” Sane yelled out.
Pearl Fey disappeared off to somewhere while they were fighting apparently.
Kaname Kuran and Dogmeat were staring eachother down. Dogmeat made the first move, he rushed towards Kaname’s crotch and bit it. Kaname keeled over in pain, but Dogmeat did not let go. Kaname eventually regained his composure in spite of the relentless pain, he could end this dog easily. He had a blade that even immortals would fall to. Kaname knew of only one species with the resilience of Dogmeat, other fucking vampires.
Kaname raised his sword and thrust it down.
It bounced off Dogmeat’s hide…
And ended up in his own torso. Kaname slumped over. Didn’t hit his heart though, so whatever.
“DOGMEAT!” Sole Survivor yelled out. Dogmeat barked and ran over to her. They were reunited at last.
“Fuck… How the fuck am I supposed to kill that thing?” I said to the monitor. The monitor did not respond... Obviously.
Godzilla rolled up to Whogivesafuck.
Raven and Shadow started fighting. Shadow moved towards Raven and started barraging her with a spinning flurry of
Punch
Kick
Punch
Kick
Punch
Kick
Raven moved away from Shadow to evade the attacks. She telekinetically lifted a nearby streetlight and sent Shadow spinning away with a smack from it. Shadow curled up into a ball and hit Raven with a homing attack.
“Wanna be my waifu now?” Shadow asked sincerely.
“No.” Raven replied with equal sincerity.
Shadow shot a large sphere of energy at Raven which Raven deflected.
“Want to be my waifu nowwwwww?”
“No.”
Shadow went fast and went behind Raven, and hit her with a spinning kick to the head.
“You’re the one waifu for me.”
“SHUT UP!”
And then, Raven’s eyes turned red and black tentacles emerged from under her. She did not look like someone you’d want to fuck with.
Godzilla was annoyed, all of the buildings were too short, he couldn’t even reach them. Only one option then.
Raven’s tentacles envelopes Shadow and dragged him towards her. But Shadow was not looking towards her, but upwards instead.
Godzilla’s spines turned a neon blue.
Shadow was almost enveloped.
“CHAOS BLAST!”
An explosion is heard and the screen goes white.
Raven found herself on the ground, bruised and hurting all over but still alive.
“Ughhhh, what happened?” Raven said, struggling to get up. She was surrounded by rubble.
And then, she saw it.
A skeleton, still spinning in midair. The spinning was starting to get slower. Eventually, it came to a stop. Shadow had saved his waifu. Now he’s in the after laifu :c
EIGHTEENTH DEATH
Eternally Spinning Shadow-Juiz
So Godzilla’s still a thing.
They see Big G rollinggggg they hatingggggg or whatever.
Raven could hardly lift herself up, but she had just enough strength in body and mind to get to a safer hiding spot.
Others rose to the occasion, like Sane who ordered Palkia to go after Godzilla. Once Palkia got close enough, Sane jumped off and grabbed onto Godzilla. He cocked back his head and then thrusted his dildnose into the hide of the beast… it accomplished absolutely nothing.
Sole Survivor was looking for ways to escape, but Dogmeat ran on ahead. Sole Survivor could do nothing to stop him.
“DOGMEAT!” She yelled out, but it was too late.
Dogmeat barked at Godzilla, and Godzilla miraculously actually noticed the little guy. Godzilla looked down upon Dogmeat from his throne intimidatingly, but Dogmeat stood his ground. He kept on barking his head off, and Godzilla responded by charging up yet another atomic breath…
When the dust cleared from the attack, there was a giant crater, and Dogmeat stood in the middle, completely unharmed. Dogmeat continued to bark. If a regular atomic breath wouldn’t do the trick, then it was time for Godzilla’s ultimate attack.
Godzilla’s spines turned red, and Dogmeat stood his ground. This time Godzilla shot out a bigger red beam, and it was SPIRALING AND SHIT! It hit Dogmeat directly, and Sole Survivor watched in horror as Dogmeat appeared to disappear under the beam. Everything went to red, and then just as soon as it began, it was over.
It was… over.
The crater was even bigger now.
… And Dogmeat was still completely fine. The only problem was getting out.
Sole Survivor rushed over to Dogmeat and hoisted him out of there.
“That’ll do Dogmeat…” Sole Survivor said with a sigh. They ran away from Godzilla side by side.
I didn’t give a shit about Godzilla, I was just wondering how the fuck I was supposed to bullshit my way into killing Dogmeat at this point.
“I have your answer n00b!” Said the silhouette of a large figure with a distinctive hairstyle in the doorway.
Lincoln Chafee probably could have like, nuked Godzilla by now, but he was too busy protecting the environment to protect his country. He continued to chase after the drifting grocery bag.
(DISCLAIMER: what I just said above does not reflect on my actual political views. K? K :3)
Sane was still latching onto Godzilla, and still trying to jab his dildnose into Godzilla. At this point he managed to leave a small dent in Godzilla’s hide. Hey, it’s something.
Kaname healed from his stab wound and looked up to the giant lizard monster in the distance.
“Well, that’s problematic.” He said weirdly calmly.
“Let’s do this.” Ghost Rider revved up his motorcycle and took off. Raven saw Ghost Rider riding towards Godzilla and immediately knew what to do. She projected her soul-self in the form of a ramp, and thanks to that Ghost Rider was able to get some good height. He did a few flips with his motorcycle and landed on Godzilla’s leg. Ghost Rider had no trouble riding his motorcycle on the vertical surface and as such just kept going upwards. Fuck, he was even doing a wheelie the entire time. As Ghost Rider reached the semi-horizontal surface above Godzilla’s knees, he spent five or so minutes basically just doing this:
Spoiler:
But you know, with fire. Godzilla did nothing during this time to stop Ghost Rider. Godzilla was far too perplexed to do anything. Ghost Rider eventually decided to actually do what he supposed to do, and started riding up Godzilla’s chest, except he was facing backwards the entire time BECAUSE HE CAN!
Godzilla tried to smack Ghost Rider, but Ghost Rider was going 2fast4him and he ended up just hitting his bare scaly ass chest. Sane watched Ghost Rider pass by him while he was still trying to dent Godzilla with his dildnose. Ghost Rider pointed at Sane with both hands making that finger gun gesture, all while somehow not falling off his bike. Sane was feeling ever so slightly immaculate at that moment.
Eventually, Ghost Rider reached the top. He flew over one side of Godzilla’s head while doing a few flips and then started his descent down the other side. Ghost Rider looked Godzilla straight in the eye as he fell down. And during that split second, Godzilla felt it all.
All of those civilians he crushed under the foot.
All of those innocent folks that happened to be caught under and evaporated by Godzilla’s atomic breath.
Every plane he knocked out of the sky.
That one random ass Turtle he shot a laser through.
Everything.
After so many years of cinema history, he could not bear all of the pain he had inflicted. Godzilla slumped over.
NINETEENTH DEATH
Godzilla-Gilbert
The wheels of Godzilla’s wheelchair got enveloped in black. Godzilla’s corpse was sent rolling back to Tokyo along with his wheelchair.
It was a good thing to, since not too long afterwards, Godzilla’s entire body had a meltdown. His body was reduced to a skeleton, and Tokyo was officially more radioactive than Chernobyl ever was.
TUNE IN FOR CHAPTER THIRTEEN, OUR LUCKY CHAPTER =D
Last edited by Lohuydahutt; 12-11-2015 at 07:45 PM.
Spoiler:
I am PolarBore's official Assistant Mangager (again)
hell yeah ghost rider
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