Almost Fucking Anything Battle Royale/AFABR Round 2

[BrineBlade]

Gilda nuuuuuu

[Lohuydahutt]

Chapter 4

Captain Jack Sparrow squinted, trying to make out who the figure in the distance was. He pulled out a telescope, but it didn’t help much.

“Oh wait I know you I think! You’re Jew Knees or whatever!” Rob Ford said.
“Drew Brees,” he said, correcting him.
“See, I knew that!” Rob Ford said… sure you did buddy.
“Who’s this guy?” Jack Sparrow asked whispering into Rob Ford’s ear.
“Some football guy,” Rob Ford replied.
“What’s a football?”
“Some billion dollar boondoggle, here, let me show you. YO JEW KNEES PASS IT YO!”

Drew Brees shrugged and tossed his football to Rob Ford. Rob Ford actually caught it, and got into position to throw it back. Instead, he ended up losing his balance and falling down.

---

“That’s him milord,” the man said.
“What? That fucker? Are you sure?” the great Demiurge asked.
“Well, they say he’s a saint, all signs point to yes,” the man replied.
“Fuck really? Oh well, time to kick that guy’s ass!” the great Demiurge said. Soon, the great Demiurge shall make his move.

---

While Ben Carson was sneaking away he ended up bumping into the GLORIOUS chest of Captain Falcon.

“OK, this might not be politically correct, but that suit makes you look kind of gay, you should stop being gay and accept the glory of Jesus Christ instead,” Ben Carson said.
“SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!” Captain Falcon replied.
“You see, that right there is the problem. We have a president in the white house who is a complete wuss, he will not show the world his moves. We have the strongest military in the world and he seems dead set on destroying it piece by piece. But that’s not what America is about, we need strength as a nation. That’s why I put forth an in depth plan that I will only describe in the vaguest terms to keep this nation safe. Because do you know what it’s like, living in this constant state of fear today? It’s like slavery, it’s like slavery. Knowing we can be whipped by other nations like China and Russia at any given time, do you know how that feels?” Ben Carson said, before getting cut off by an annoyed Captain Falcon.
“COME ON!” The Cap said, trying to get Ben Carson to well, show him his moves.
“I’m getting there, just let me speak. I barely got any time to debate at all so far. OK, so my problem is that our president is just too scared of killing a few civilians. What I don’t get about that is that while our president Lincoln Chafee is doing that, he also condones the indiscriminate killing of future AMERICAN citizens in the form of unborn babies. You cannot have it both ways, that is why if I were to be president I would be consistent with the values. I will do everything within my power to protect our citizens and ensure that they live a fulfilling life, and also bomb a lot of brown people! I apologize if that wasn’t politically correct… Obama sucks… God help us all… good night mom…” Ben Carson dozed off, but he was still standing up somehow.

Captain Falcon stared at Ben Carson sleeping for a bit, but eventually figured out that those basically were his moves.

“FALCON, PUUUNNNNNCHHHHHHHHHHH!” he yelled out, while, well, Falcon Punching Ben Carson in the gut.

Looks like Ben Carson was probably feeling the Bern just about now.

Spoiler: 

FIFTH DEATH
Ben Carson-Sem

Rocket1908 watched it all go down from the shadows and decided to try and fite him. Water beats fire, he thought as he changed costumes to a blue ninja outfit and burst out of the shade.

---

SCP 173 teleported to the opening in the wall that Stephen Hawking created. Perhaps it was time to be a bit more aggressive with its tactics. It couldn’t help but notice the meek looking girl walking on by, it seemed like she’d be fun. Since no one was looking, so it started teleporting towards her.

---

“HEY WAIT UP RANGER!” Polar yelled out while chasing after him. Ranger stopped running.
“Polar *pant* what are you doing here?” Ranger asked, obviously exhausted.
“Gimme your hammer bitch,” Polar said bluntly.
“But I just got it though,” Ranger objected.
“Well, I need it now bitch,” Polar said.
“Fineeeeeeee,” Ranger did not want to argue with his superior, so he pulled his banhammer out of his pocket and gave it to Polrag.
“... bloop.” I said OUTTA NOWHERE.
“Ohai log, where did you run off to?” Polar asked.
“Oh I ummm… had shit to do,” I replied, I didn’t really feel like going into the details.
“So… what do we do now?” Ranger interjected.
“Lynch sam?” I suggested.
“Lynch sam.” Polar agreed.
“But… why?” Ranger asked, he was not particularly enthusiastic about the idea.
“Because we’ve been here longer so you do what we say bitch,” Polar replied.
“^” I said.
“If you say so…” Ranger did not seem convinced, but whatever.

---

“So why exactly are we going after this guy again?” Big Man Tyrone asked Kermit.
“I mean, just look at his name. For some reason, even just reading it really pisses me off. It’s just like…
I wanna kill him, cause he tried to play me like the trick
But you see, I’m the wrong froggy to fuck with
I got the A to the motherfucking K, and it’s ready to rip
Slapped in my banana clip
And I’m lookin… (lookin…)
Is he in Watts, Oakland, Philly, or Brooklyn?
It seems like he got the whole country behind him
So it’s sort of hard to find him
But when I do, gotta put my gat in his mouth
Pump seventeen rounds make his brains hang out
Cause the shit he did was uncalled for
Tried to fuck a brother up the ass like a small whore
And that shit ain’t fly
So now I’m setting up, the ultimate drive-by
And when you hear this shit, it make the world say ‘DAMN! I wanna kill Sam.’

Or something along those lines,” Gangster Kermit replied.
“Well I see you feel very strongly about it, but how are we going to kill him?” Big Man Tyrone asked. Kermit simply replied by waving a wad of cash in front of Tyrone’s face, “OK that won’t be a problem, Kermit is the most strongest ever and I want to have his babies.”
“That’s more like it,” Gangster Kermit said.

---

“So what exactly are we going to do about your car? That griffon totally wrecked it,” Sam asked.
“No worries, I got this,” Lincoln Chafee replied. He snapped his fingers and his sedan disappeared in smoke and then reappeared looking brand new.
“That’s amazing,” Sam said in awe.
“It’s nothing,” Lincoln Chafee replied.

Suddenly, Sam felt a shiver run down his spine. He had a feeling that something bad was about to happen soon.

---

Guardian yelped out in pain when he felt something cut through his side. He clenched his side and then looked forward to see a levitating bloodstained Ace of Spades playing card. Guardian turned around to see if someone summoned the card, but there was absolutely nobody there. Guardian turned back to face the levitating card, and pointed his auto rifle at it.

---

Saitama entered the building, and found a boxing ring inside. In the center of it was a muscular Japanese guy with a turban. Saitama casually walked towards the ring and then entered it. He stood across from Piston Hondo, and Hondo bowed.

“Hey, what’s that head thing for?” Saitama asked.
“It enhances my abilities, so I can honor my famiry more thoroughly,” Piston Hondo replied.
“Oh, neat.”

Piston Hondo started first with a left jab to Saitama’s face. Saitama was unmoved, so he went for a right uppercut. Saitama was still unmoved. Piston Hondo seemed angered and then heavily projected his next move, which was a rapid flurry of punches. Saitama moved from side to side to evade them, all while keeping the same blank expression. Saitama was unimpressed, and decided to go for the punch. But to his surprise, Piston Hondo teleported out of the way and uppercutted Saitama again.

“I hail from generations upon generations of greatly skilled fighters, to lose now would be to disgrace my whole family!” Piston Hondo said.
“OK.” Saitama said.

Piston Hondo was teleporting side to side, all while hitting Saitama with the quick barrage of punches. He then went for one more uppercut, this time sending Saitama flying into the ropes. Saitama got up with a groan to see three Piston Hondos. All three came at Saitama at once while barraging Saitama in sync. Once the attack was over, Saitama was lying on the ground and Piston Hondo walked away and grabbed his towel. While Piston Hondo was wiping off his sweat, Saitama got up again.

“Who are you... no, what are you?” Piston Hondo asked in pure amazement. What is it with all of these fucking questions this chapter?
“I’m just a superhero for fun, oh wait, I guess it’s for money now,” Saitama replied, “but hey, I enjoyed that.”

Saitama walked up to Piston Hondo, and then punched him. The vibrations from the punch were so powerful that Hondo just exploded into a pile of blood.

Saitama used Hondo’s towel to wipe his face off, “he seemed like a nice guy.”

Spoiler: 

SIXTH DEATH
Piston Hondo-Glike

---

Gavril T65’s engines started up again, and it started heading back to the main arena.

---

Captain Old Fred saw Upchuck get up and start walking towards the tower.

“Well crumpets! I better do something about that!” Captain Old Fred exclaimed. He pulled out his (yellow) submachine gun and got ready.

---

“Hey we can work this out man, I swear,” Shaggy said while backing away. The zombie didn’t understand a word of what he was saying, and even if he did, he wouldn’t give a shit. As such, the zombie stepped forward.

Shaggy laughed nervously and then dashed off, the zombie followed behind. What followed afterwards was well, your typical Scooby Doo chase scene. The zombie ran past a fridge, that fridge sprouted legs and ran the other way. The zombie turned around upon hearing the scuffling and chased after the fridge. The zombie catched up to the fridge and opened it, only to find absolutely nothing in it. Shaggy was standing on top of the fridge with his arms full of food from said fridge. He jumped off and started running in a different direction. They entered a hallway with 8 doors. Shaggy entered one, and the zombie followed. Shaggy ran out a door on the other side and the zombie came out of a completely different door. This exchange continued until they ended up facing each other. Shaggy turned around quickly before the zombie could grab him and the zombie could do nothing but chase after him.

When the zombie caught up with him, it was in a dark room. In the center was a table lit by candles.

“Take your seat, monsieur,” Shaggy said, he was in a waiter costume for some reason. The zombie instinctively complied and took the seat.

“So what will your order be monsieur?” Shaggy asked.
“Braaainnnnnnsssssssss” the zombie said.
“Sure thing monsieur!”

Shaggy presented a platter to the zombie, and lifted the dome cover. Inside was well, a brain (it was actually jell-O but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh). The zombie went for the brain head first and started tearing away at it. Shaggy saw that it was his chance and slammed the cover down on the zombie’s neck, decapitating it.

“Oh man… that was like, rough,” Shaggy said in relief.

---

Stephen Hawking looked towards the sky. He was confused by the fact that it suddenly became daytime, and also noticed that the sunlight seemed a bit… off. This strange phenomenon intrigued him. His inquiries were interrupted when he heard a groan. Takeru got up, and felt the bruises on his cheeks.

“Ugh… what happened?” Takeru said, sounding like he was in a daze.
“You tell me,” the automated voice said, as bluntly as an emotionless robotic voice could.

---

Frank West was now officially having tea with a lion, he was freaking out on the inside but managed to somewhat keep his composure.
“If you have any concerns, you need only ask my friend,” Aslan said.
“I can deal with any problem myself, I’ve covered wars y’know,” Frank West said trying to keep his composure.
“Why yes, you have already said that my friend,” Aslan replied.

---

Somewhere, the Katsura Otoko is still staring on the wrong side of the earth. You’ll have your time eventually buddy.

WELL, CHAPTER FIVE IS UP NEXT YO!

[Poles]

hell yeah we're gonna lynch sam : D

[Faker]

No, Piston! ;-;

I actually thought he would outlive Upchuck.

Upchuck, I'm riding on you little buddy.

[Turtlesauce]

That Shaggy segment was so spot-on xD

[Klonoa]

That was so shaggy, I agree.

[Lohuydahutt]

Considering how much I watched Scooby Doo as a child, I would feel ashamed of anything less xP

[Moonjik]

Shaggy the Shagging Dog Shagger Who Shags?! What a coincidence he's been rediscovered!

Great chapter

[Katz]

TIL Lohuy is actually Shaggy -- on account of that 10/10 shaggy segment

[GonadTheNomad]

[C'mon SCP work your magic.]