Chapter 5
“So…” Ranger said.
“Where da Sam,” Polar said.
“I think he’s in that black sedan over there, probably,” I said.
“How do you know?” Ranger asked.
“Well, ummm… I secretly have ummm… jew detecting powers,” I said, I did not really feel like revealing the fact that I basically know everything that goes on in this game.
“Makes sense,” Polar said. Ranger on the other hand, still seemed skeptical.
“So where are we heading to now?” Sam asked Chafee.
“Wherever there’s trouble, I’ll be there,” Chafee replied.
“Oh OK,” Sam said. He still couldn’t shake off the bad feeling he had.
But then…
Polar rushed down the car and RKO’d it OUTTA NOWHERE
OHHHHH
OOOOHHHHHHHH
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH
The car disappeared and Chafee got up quickly.
“My fellow Americans, what brings you here?” Chafee asked in an attempt to deescalate the situation.
“I’m not an American…” Ranger said. Everybody ignored him.
“We’re here to lynch Sam,” Polar said.
“What did I do this time?” Sam asked.
“Your offense be that you is a jew and is suck,” Polar said.
“On what grounds do you make that accusation?” Sam asked.
“Because you’re Sam,” I interjected.
“Enough of this! You are not lynching my vice president!” Lincoln Chafee said angrily. Then he transformed into a spoopy scary skeleton on fire once more.
“hey ranger, go get him,” Polar said, pointing at Chafee.
“Why me?” Ranger complained.
“Because you suck and I said so and I wanna kill Sam,” Polar said.
“You know, I’m getting real tired of you bossing me around all the time. Aren’t we all supposed to be on somewhat equal footing as moderators?” Ranger said.
“Also that guy totally said that your Queen is a bitch,” Polar added, dodging the question.
“HE DID WHAT?” Ranger pulled out his trident and stood across from Chafee, allowing Poles and I to get closer to Sam. When Lincoln Chafee tried to stop us, Ranger teleported in front of him and kicked him down.
“Take that back you motherf***er!” Ranger said angrily.
“I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about,” Lincoln Chafee Ghost Rider said impatiently.
“You know what you did!”
Meanwhile Polar and I had Sam cornered. I pulled out a rope and Polar smiled.
“I still don’t get why you guys want to kill me by the way,” Sam said.
“Because you is a jew and sux,” Polar said.
“Preach it,” I said backing Polar up.
“That’s not even proper grammar,” Sam objected.
“Your FACE isn’t proper grammar ooooooooo,” Polar countered.
“#rekt,” I said.
Sam braced for his inevitable demise, but then the situation got a bit more confusing.
“HEY BUDDIES WHATCHA DOIN’ WITH MY PREY!” Gangster Kermit piped in.
“Who are you?” Polar asked.
“The name’s Kermit Tortellini, I’m the new big deal around here so don’t you forget it!” Gangster Kermit answered.
“What do you want? We were just about to lynch Sam and I don’t want to be interrupted, it’s really important mang,” Polar said impatiently.
“You’re gonna lynch Sam? Pal that’s our job, WE are the ones who are gonna kill that fucker!” Kermit said starting to sound angry as well.
“We got here first mang, there’s no way we’re going to give up something as important and fun as lynching Sam for some beanie baby!” I chimed in.
“Can’t we all kill Sam together?” Big Man Tyrone asked innocently. Kermit, Poles, and I all said “hell no” in unison.
“Tyrone it’s time, we’re going to show these posers how it’s done!” Kermit said to Tyrone.
“If you say so, but can we take these guys?” Tyrone asked, Kermit responded by waving some cash in his face, “I know we’ll win because I have you on my team and you’re the most amazingest thing since lolis!”
“That’s more like it,” Kermit said.
I turned to Polar and shrugged. This was quite possibly the most important fight either of us have EVER had. We all turned our heads towards Sam as he tried to creep away... Like the creep that he is, geez I hate sam.
“Where do you think YOU’RE going bitch?” we all said, at the exact same time, with the exact same wording.
Drew Brees helped Rob Ford get back up on his feet.
“Thanks man,” Rob Ford said.
“No problem,” Drew Brees replied.
Captain Jack Sparrow put his arms around both of them and said, “Today marks the beginning of a new friendshipbecause holy shit I just saw a guy kill some dude with one punch of motherfucking fire and I need some meat shieldsso let us have a toast!” Captain Jack Sparrow pulled out a bottle of rum and handed a bottle to each of them (along with a bottle for himself of course). Before they could indulge in the wonders of alcohol, they heard a loud booming roar. In fact, pretty much every contestant heard the roar but everyone else was far too preoccupied to address it... because plot convenience.
A giant sea serpent slowly emerged from the water, and it was staring directly at the group.
“My friends, I believe it is obvious as to what our next course of action should be,” Jack Sparrow said.
“Hey man I just got here I wasn’t asking for this,” Drew Brees said nervously.
“Yeah I agree Jack, we can totally take this guy!” Rob Ford chugged the entire bottle of rum in one sitting. He then took off his tie, pulled his shirt out, and rolled his sleeves back. He was ready.
“He seems confident,” Jack Sparrow remarked.
“Well, if he believes we can do it, then you know what? I believe so too! It’s 3 to one man!” Drew Brees said.
“Yeah go team! That was what I meant to say to begin with!” Jack Sparrow said (fun fact: total bulshit). Jack Sparrow was still thinking of a way to get out of this situation, but he wanted to make sure at least one of his new “friends” came along with him.
“Heh, these guys are a bunch of dumbasses! Prepare to face the Demiurge’s wrath!” the great Demiurge said excitedly.
“Victory is assured milord,” the man said confidently.
“Damn right it is!” the great Demiurge said.
Shaggy was a bit worn out by the chase from earlier, and decided to reward himself with all of the food he got from the fridge. Afterwards he was founds lying down in front of an empty plate and a belly expanded to monstrous proportions. Needless to say, it was a good meal.
Frank West "masterbated" on the grass.
“My friend, why must you desecrate such a beautiful land?” Aslan asked, trying to keep his patience.
“I’m bored man, there’s nothing to do here. I’ve covered wars you know, those weren’t boring!” Frank West complained.
“You must learn to appreciate the true beauty of this world. Here, there is peace. Out there, there are countless horrors,” Aslan said trying to convince Frank West.
“Man fuck this place, I’ve covered wars you know, I can handle it. Did I mention that I’ve covered wars you know? Because I covered wars you know! Don’t you want to spread your eternal wisdom and peace and love and shit to the rest of the world?” Frank West said.
“Perhaps that might not be a bad idea,” Aslan conceded.
“Show me your moves!” Captain Falcon said. If you haven’t noticed by now, he has a very limited vocabulary.
“I’m a master at Card-Jitsu m8 you don’t want to mess with me,” Rocket1908 said.
“COME ON!” Captain Falcon said.
“OK m8,” Rocket1908 pulled out a water balloon and threw it at Captain Falcon. It was exactly as effective as you would think it would be. (Which is to say, not at all).
Guardian could do nothing but watch as the Ace of Spades card spawned a shit load of copies of itself. They all levitated in front of Guardian in a grid like fashion, and then all coalesced. The cards shuffled on their own as if controlled by an invisible hand, and then they went back into position. Guardian officially had no fucking clue where the original card was. Might as well shoot at all of them then.
Saitama walked outside to see three drunk looking dudes on a beach standing in front of a giant ass sea serpent. “That looks bad,” Saitama said.
“So what are you going to do now?” the automated voice asked.
“I’m going to live my life burning brightly!” Takeru said.
“That is just a meaningless platitude, what specifically are you going to do now?” the automated voice asked, with no intention of dropping the issue.
“Oh then um, I’ll go to the mall!” Takeru said. Why? It was simply the first thing that came to mind.
“Since I presently have nothing better to do, I shall follow you,” the automated voice said.
“Cool with me,” Takeru said in confirmation. So it was settled.
Gavril T65 took a right.
Upchuck was lazy so he just took the elevator. Captain Old Fred was waiting for him at the top however.
“See you in Neptune’s britches!” Old Fred said as he opened fire. Captain Old Fred fired at Upchuck until he ran out of bullets. He expected to see a dead green blob on the floor, instead he saw Upchuck with his cheeks looking slightly puffed up. Upchuck spat the bullets in the form of a glob of green energy, and Old Fred dodged in the knick of time. Knowing he was outmatched, he took a run for the submarine. Upchuck had no intention of letting Old Fred get away, so he used his four tongues to grab our Mod Control Panel. Upchuck swallowed it whole and then shot it back at Old Fred. But Old Fred caught hold of the anchor, and rose up into the submarine, barely evading the blast. If he got there a split second later, he would have been dead right now. Instead…
No one was looking…
So it got closer.
No one was looking…
So it got closer.
She wasn’t looking…
So it got closer.
Homura turned around to see a giant concrete dildo alien thing staring straight at her. Now it was only a meter or two away. She jumped backwards, but blinked in the process. Once again, SCP 173 was right in front of her. The shield thing on her arm started to turn, and Homura blinked. And...
Freeze.
Homura opened her eyes, she was staring straight into the eyes of some strange creature, and it had its arms firmly pressing against her head. She broke free of its grasp, and was about start firing upon it. But then she noticed something out of the corner of her eye, and looked upwards. Just above her head was some strange green glob. So this was a fate we were destined to both share huh? Sorry, but count me out, she thought. Homura walked away and the shield thing turned back to its normal position. There was a loud explosion, and when the smoke cleared all that could be seen was a patch of black and a shit load of shattered concrete.
Spoiler:
“Oops,” was all Upchuck said as he looked out the window. There didn’t seem to be anything else worth doing up in the tower, so he took the elevator back down.
And yes, the Katsura Otoko was still just kind of waiting.
CHAPTER SIX IS COMING UP NEXT IF YOU COULDN’T TELL :3
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Originally Posted by Juiz
