Chapter 1: Masshole
Welcome to the home of Polar, it's Massachusetts. This place is diverse, beautiful, full of historical sites, and super cold. If you haven't been there, meh, you could do without going there if you aren't a huge history buff. If you are a huge history buff, it's a great place to go. Paul Revere's house, the site of the Boston Massacre, a ton of statues, and the Tipton Hotel (not really) can all be found in the city. If you can't find anything that interests you in the city itself, there are plenty of sites to see in cities around it. If you aren't a huge history buff, there's still an awesome aquarium.
Today is December 26, 2015, one day after the disappearance of Walt Disney, and two days after his corporation's darkest secret was let out. There is now a nationwide search for the man who enslaved hundreds underneath the 'Disney Castle HQ' on Liberty Island. Sadly for the police, Disney was murdered in the Realm of Christmas Spirit, but we're the only ones who know that.
Marvel Entertainment and Lucasfilm are no longer under Disney's ownership. Deadpool and Boba Fett were sad to find out that their BR was already over, so they couldn't still win it. Freaking Disney.
As for the winners of the Big Rapple? After their final hug, they were taken to Polhalla and each granted a wish:
John Richter's wish was a second chance at life. He treated his mother with more gratitude, showed women respect, and got a better education than in his previous life. Though he wasn't nearly as famous, he still had a better time getting to live life to its fullest.
Jim Henson's wish was for his Kermit puppet back. He decided to stay in Polhalla to entertain and educate the children who died early on in their lives.
Julius Caesar did not have a wish. It was enough for him to stay in Polhalla to dine with other warriors like himself. He reunited with William Wallace and has been enjoying his time there.
But let's get to the point, thirty-six of the hottest rappers in the business have been spotted around Boston and some surrounding cities. These men include Sith Lords, Time Lords, and our Lord and Savior himself. Some of these men are still alive, but most are not. Some of these men aren't even rappers, but were featured in rap music videos. Some of these men aren't even men. Regardless, they're here, and little do they know, they're in the middle of a battle royale.
Let's begin at the Faneuil Hall Marketplace. Two strange looking goths awoke in the changing room of Urban Outfitters. No, there wasn't someone already in there, that would've been very bad for them.
Both men were confused about how they got here, and walked outside of their changing rooms.
"Dude, where am I?" Skrillex said to himself, loud enough for Edgar Allan Poe to hear.
Edgar Allan Poe looked at Skrillex in bewilderment.
"I've finally gone insane.." Edgar Allan Poe said to himself.
"Dude, who are you?" Skrillex said, looking over to Poe.
Poe did not respond. He studied Skrillex's face, the clothes he was wearing, and his hair. He thought that the hairstyle was pretty stupid, "it goes with what gender?" he thought to himself.
"What you looking at, dude? Who are you? Where am I?" Skrillex said, starting to become disturbed by the man.
"I have about as much of a clue as you, sonny." Poe responded after a moment of silence.
"Dude! Don't call me that! This is creeping me out!"
Edgar Allan Poe was confused. He'd never said this man's name, had he?
"I beg your pardon?"
"You're a fan, right? I know how creepy fans can be. Waking up in a changing room with one that calls me by my first name is super weird, bro. Let me go."
"I don't know who you are."
Skrillex had a shocked look on his face. It instantly changed into a face of anger.
"You don't know ME? Skrillex? The best damn composer on the planet? Millions upon millions of fans? You called me by my first name, bro, Sonny. Don't try to play stupid, bro, I'll mess you up. Don't come near me!"
A crowd of fans gathered around the two just from the mentioning of the name.
"Dude, that's really him!"
Edgar Allan Poe did not know how to respond, but then it came to him.
"Any guy named Skrillex probably sucks dick."
The crowd instantly went wild. They carried Edgar Allan Poe out of the store, leaving Skrillex alone to cry about how he had just been wrecked.
"I'll stomp that bitch next time I see him.. just gotta find him again. Ugh!" Skrillex said to himself, wiping the tears off of his face.
Skrillex followed behind the crowd.
The next group of men woke up on a Boston Duck Tour boat in the Charles River. The heads of the passengers instantly turned to the four men who had just appeared in the back of the boat.
"Everyone jump!" the driver yelled, grabbing a life saver and jumping into the river (yes, in the winter, they were that scared of terrorists).
These four men were Henry VIII, Vladimir Putin, Nietzsche, and Mr. Rogers. They were now the only people on the duck boat.
The four stared at each other for a minute and, without saying anything, jumped off of the boat. Vladimir Putin and Henry VIII jumped off of one side, Nietzsche and Mr. Rodgers jumped off of the other. The duck boat was left abandoned as the four men swam back to the shore.
Nietzsche and Rogers made it to Magazine Beach.
Putin and Henry VIII made it to Boston University.
Confucius and Genghis Khan woke up next to each other in Chinatown, Boston. As Confucius got up, every Asian American nearby gathered around Khan.
"Dude, that guy kinda looks like you!"
"Dude, that guy kinda looks like you!"
This was repeated over and over by almost every spectator there.
"Stop!" Khan yelled, silencing the crowd.
"Come with me." Khan commanded, and every spectator followed along. Khan now had his own little army of 10 people. Hooray for genes!
Confucius had nothing better to do, so he followed along too.
Michael Bay woke up at the Boston Private bank.
"MOTHERFUCKING MONEY!" he yelled, making everyone in the bank stare at him.
"Sorry about that, comes naturally. Where the girls at?" he said, making everyone look away from him.
Sherlock Holmes woke up outside of the bank, but heard what was happening inside.
"I once met a rich fellow who smelled of guano and pain.. can't smell him from here, though." he thought to himself, walking into the bank to investigate.
"Yo, what's up?" Michael Bay said to a random guy.
"Leave me alone, please. I don't know what's up with you." the random guy replied.
"Well, it's not Bruce Wayne, but it doesn't seem much better." Sherlock thought to himself.
Bay approached the man who had been staring at him.
"Starstruck, huh? I'd be too." Bay said to Holmes.
"No."
"Well, fuck you too, kid."
"Whoa now."
The two men stared at each other for a moment.
"So y'know how this is Boston, right? You heard of those duck tours?" Bay said.
"I'm in Boston? How'd I get to America?" Holmes replied, confused.
"Don't use sarcasm around me, you little bitch. It says Boston right there." Bay said, pointing to the sign saying the name of the bank, "Have you heard of those duck tours?"
"No."
"Well, there are these tours in a boat that looks like a duck. You're kinda like that boat. Y'know, cuz you look like a duck."
That cut deep.
"Mate, I'll knock you out." Holmes said, clenching his fists.
"Meet me in the back, you limey. Quack quack!" Bay replied, walking out of the bank.
Holmes went after Bay to meet him in the back.
John F. Kennedy and the Sunglasses Elf woke up outside the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum.
"What? Where am I?" JFK said to himself.
"Oh, Santa's told us about here! This is Boston." the Elf replied.
JFK looked down at the elf.
"So I guess this is all just a dream." JFK said.
"No, this is the real deal." the elf replied.
JFK pinched himself to see if it hurt, and it did.
"Boston? But.. I've never seen this building before. Hell, last thing I remember was me waving at people from a Lincoln in Dallas." JFK told the elf.
"Well, Santa's told us about this building. This is the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum!" the elf told him.
JFK ignored the elf and walked towards the building. "How'd I fall asleep in a limo in broad daylight?" he thought to himself.
JFK got to the entrance of the museum, noticing that it said "John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum" above the doorway.
"Well, that's me, alright." he said to himself, walking into the building. The elf followed behind.
Nikola Tesla, Darth Vader, and the Doctor woke up outside of the Museum of Science. Tesla and Vader were so startled by the dinosaur nearby that Tesla used his magic electricity on it and Vader sliced off its head. Thankfully, no dinosaurs were harmed, as it was just a dinosaur sculpture.
"Oh.. it wasn't real." Darth Vader said, picking up the head.
"Guess not." Tesla replied.
The Doctor got up, fixed his tie, and looked around.
"So, I'm in Boston. This must be some sort of glitch in the space-time continuum." the Doctor said to himself.
"Wait a second, how'd you do that? The force lightning?" Darth Vader asked Tesla.
"Uhh.. what are you talking about."
"Dude... are you a Sith Lord too?"
"Uhhh.. what does that mean?"
"Come on, man, you can be honest with me. I saw it with my own eyes."
"...Sure."
"That's awesome. I can't use force lightning without dying, sadly. I'm kinda a robot under this suit."
"That's.. a shame."
"It really is."
The Doctor approached the two men.
"Uhm.. hello!"
"Oh boy, now I need to think of a name. Well, John Smith will have to do this time." the Doctor thought to himself.
"Begone." Darth Vader replied.
"Oh, well that isn't the reply I was expecting. Should I go, then? I'm not sure. I need a companion. What if this guy means trouble, though? I could avoid a sticky situation if I leave. Then again, this guy probably can't do much in public. Oh well, let's try again." the Doctor thought to himself.
"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to interrupt what you were doing. Just wanted to have a chat is all. This place is cold, huh? Well, of course it's cold, it's winter, but still. It's very cold out here. Is that why you're wearing that suit? I've never seen anything like it." the Doctor said.
"Go away, please. I'm talking to someone." Darth Vader replied, starting to get annoyed.
"Darn, what's up with this guy? And why's he breathing like that? Oh well, he must want me gone. Well.. maybe one more try will do it. Wouldn't hurt, right?" the Doctor thought to himself.
"I'm so-"
Before The Doctor could finish his sentence, Darth Vader put him in a force grip.
"W-what are you doing?" the Doctor mumbled.
Tesla was in awe. He had never seen something like this before, but could tell the Doctor didn't deserve it.
"Hey, put him down." Tesla told Vader, who did so.
The Doctor caught his breath on the ground.
"What was that?" Tesla asked.
"What?" Vader replied.
"That. You lifted him up in the air and choked him."
"Are you serious?"
Tesla forgot that he was supposed to be a Sith Lord.
"Oh, yeah, force or whatever. I forgot about that." Tesla lied.
"You can't just forget about something like that."
"Well, I did, okay?"
"What was that?!" the Doctor interrupted before this conversation could go further.
A security guard approached Darth Vader, who still had the dinosaur head in his hand.
"Hey, what'd you do with that? That's museum property!" the security guard said.
"This is not museum property and I did nothing to it." Darth Vader said, performing a Jedi mind trick.
"This is not museum property and you did nothing to it." the guard said, walking away.
Darth Vader dropped the head back on the ground.
"What was THAT?!" the Doctor said again, louder.
Darth Vader walked closer to the Doctor.
"You were not choked, you did not see that, and you will leave." Vader said, trying to perform a Jedi mind trick.
"What?" the Doctor replied.
Vader realized his mind trick had failed.
"What.. what are you?" Vader asked.
"Oh no, what just happened? Alright, I've got this. Everything's fine." the Doctor thought to himself.
"I'm.. I'm John Smith!" the Doctor replied.
Muhammad Ali, Chuck Norris, and Superman woke up outside of Boston Boxing & Fitness.
"Oh mama how'd I get here?" Ali said, getting up.
Superman looked at Ali.
"Nice costume, brother." Ali said, reaching out his hand to help Superman up.
Superman refused the offer and got up on his own. Instead of getting up, Chuck Norris sat criss-cross applesauce.
"What's wrong witchoo?" Ali said to Superman.
"We've had our battles, Ali, and I consider you a friend, but I don't want to talk to you right now." Superman replied.
"Oh, I get it, because you're supposed to be Superman!"
"Supposed to be? I am."
"Doesn't look like it.."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Ali was confused. This seemed like a joke, but this guy was acting completely serious.
"You can be Superman if you want, bro, doesn't matter to me. Now, where are we?" Ali said.
"You're not going to tell me you don't believe me after our fight. I told you everything about myself."
"Are you crazy or something?"
Superman punched Ali as hard as he could, knocking him down. Usually, this would kill, but Ali was just fine.
"Dude! What was that?" Ali said, trying to get up.
"I don't like being treated like a joke."
Superman went for another punch, but Ali dodged and landed a few punches of his own. The punches stung Superman like a bee.
Superman felt embarrassed. He needed to teach this guy who's boss.
Superman grabbed Ali by the throat and flew up.
"Tell me you're sorry." Superman commanded, choking Ali.
Before Ali could respond, guess who appeared behind Superman?
Chuck Norris.
Chuck pinched Superman, vaporizing him.
Chuck grabbed Ali and flew back down.
Ali had no idea what he had just experienced.
"So this is a dream, huh? This is a really weird dream. Feels so real.." Ali said to Chuck.
"That's because it is. Get some rest." Chuck said, punching Ali in the face and knocking him out.
Chuck sat down nearby to wait for Ali to get back up.
Blackbeard, Poseidon, and Edward Kenway woke up next to the USS Constitution museum. Everyone in their vicinity ran from the sight of the Greek god, as they had heard of what happened in New York a few months ago.
All three men got up and studied their surroundings.
"Where ARRRRRR we?" Blackbeard asked.
Edward Kenway looked at Blackbeard. He noticed that this was Edward Thatch.
"Never thought I'd see you again." Kenway said, quietly.
"Well, if it isn't EdwARRRRd." Blackbeard replied.
"Aren't you dead?"
"Obviously nARRRt."
The three looked around a bit to see if they recognized anything. That's when Blackbeard saw it. Blackbeard saw Old Ironsides.
"She's.. beautiful." Blackbeard said.
Blackbeard had not noticed Poseidon yet, and screamed in fear of the sight of him.
"What.. what ARRRR you?"
"I'm the lord of the seas."
"No, I ARRRm."
"Really? Can you do this?"
Poseidon manipulated the water to form a huge "SCREW YOU" for Blackbeard to see. Blackbeard and Edward stared at it in awe.
"So.. you can help us get that ship moving withARRRt a complete crew?" Blackbeard asked.
"Definitely." Poseidon replied.
Batman, Loki, Stan Lee, and Krillin all woke up in the top floor of Newbury Comics on Newbury Street.
"I'm too old for this.." Stan Lee said, getting up.
"I'm not.." Krillin said, getting up.
"I'm Batman." Batman said, getting up.
Loki got up and studied his surroundings. Without thinking of how he made it here, he yelled "KNEEL BEFORE ME!"
Of course, nobody actually kneeled. The store was now completely empty except for Loki, Batman, and Stan Lee. Krillin ran out of the store with the others.
Batman and Stan Lee stared at Loki for a second.
"So you're the real Loki, huh? Didn't know I got it so close to the real thing. Minus the Lego thing, of course." Stan Lee said, knowing this was the real Loki from what happened in New York.
"The REAL Loki? I'm the only one. I'm one of a kind." Loki replied.
"I'm Batman." Batman interrupted.
"Kneel before me, both of you." Loki said.
Stan Lee kneeled, but Batman stayed up.
"KNEEL!" Loki yelled at Batman.
"But I'm Batman." Batman replied.
"You better kneel, pal." Stan Lee whispered to Batman.
"I'm Batman." Batman said.
Bill, Ted, Jesus Christ, Moses, Gandalf, Harry Houdini, Criss Angel, Sacajawea, Lump, Steve, and the Easter Bunny all woke up in the Boston Public Garden. To be specific, all woke up in the pond.
Bill, Ted, Gandalf, Steve, and the Easter Bunny swam back to the shore.
Sacajawea grabbed Lump and swam back to the shore with him.
Jesus Christ walked back to the shore.
Moses parted a path for him to walk back to the shore.
Houdini and Angel had a contest to see who could stay underwater the longest. Criss Angel swam back to shore after about a minute, but Houdini stayed there for around 10. He would've gone longer, but it would've been pointless, so he swam back to the shore.
"Duuuuuuude, where are we?" Bill, Ted, Moses, and Jesus said at the same time.
"Duuuuuuude!" they all said again.
"DUUUUUUUUUUUDE!" they all said again.
"This is totally excellent!" Bill and Ted said.
"I know, right?" Jesus said.
"This shizzle's fo rizzle." Moses said.
Sacajawea stared at them awkwardly with Lump in her arms.
"This is Boston." Criss Angel told them.
"Boston? Isn't that the place with the redcoats?" Bill and Ted asked.
"Yeah, that."
"What's a Boston?" Jesus asked.
"This. So, anyone want to be mind-freaked? Angel asked, pulling out a deck of cards.
"Don't trust him." Houdini butted in.
"Screw you, buddy."
"Peace and love, homies." Jesus Christ said, breaking them apart.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. So, we're awfully close to the Freedom Trail, want to go walk it?" Angel asked.
None of the others knew what that was, but they followed along anyway. They headed to Boston Common to start their journey.
And that wraps up the first episode. <3
Edit: Made a map of where everyone is because why not:
http://i.imgur.com/MBecH0O.png
Originally Posted by Juiz
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