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Thread: Blackout

  1. #1
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    Blackout

    Chapter One: Theo, Liam, Anna


    Theo

    Why did they put glitter on the floor?

    I'm in the subway, on my way home from work, and all I could think of is why there is glitter on the floor. Were they going for a fresh aesthetic? I mean, why would you want the floor to sparkle? People are going to walk all over it with dirt and mud anyway, it's like putting murals on the bottom of the toilet. Yeah, the colors are going to be nice, but you're still going to shit all over them.

    I look up, and see the same worn-out faces. Some are looking at their phones, some at the walls, some at the toothpaste ads on the walls. A few people are looking at the floor. I wonder if they're thinking about the glitter. They must be.

    Right? I mean why would you put glitter on the floor?

    I got off at my stop, and walked towards school, carefully examining each step I make. I find it amazing that human beings do so many things without even being aware of them. It's marvelous. Oh, by the way, I'm late for class, but my students don't mind. Why would students mind an extra 3-5 minutes of break-time.

    Or 20 minutes.




    Liam

    "With a heavy heart I accompanied my friend. We started about four o'clock - Legrand, Jupiter, the dog, and myself. Jupiter had with him the scythe and spades - the whole of which he insisted upon carrying - more through fear, it seemed to me, of trusting either the implements within reach of his master, than from any excess of industry or complaisance. His demeanor was dogged in the ext-

    "HEY FAT BOY, WHY DONTCHA RUN HOME TO MAMA?"

    My reading of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Gold-Bug" was rudely interrupted when some of my classmates started picking on another one of my classmates. The fat, nerdy one, obviously. He pretty much signed his death sentence when he walked into class looking a whale forced to wear human clothes and glasses. But violence is truly abhorrent.

    I closed the book, just as I realized I forgot to put the bookmark. Sigh. I got up, and walked up to Brad, Josh, or whatever stupid names their mothers had given the. "Are you two having fun?", I asked them, whilst pointing out Fat Fred on the floor crying, "He sure is not."

    Brad (Or Josh, I'm not sure) gave me a dreadful look, and stepped up to me. At this point I should mention I am a foot taller than these so-called bullies, and I could definitely put both of them in the ground. But if I were to use violence, I would be just another Josh. Or Brad.

    Brad/Josh wasted no time in punching me square in the jaw. I collapsed to the ground, and pain surged through my body. Sadly, no amount of books read can make you stop feeling pain. "Well, you mindless apes," I muttered through the pain, "are you satisfied? You have punched me. Is your little brain tingling with excitement? Is your adrenaline pumping through your veins? I'm sure it is. If you can't function as human beings, at least you can function as human machines, doing whatever your measly body functions ask you. Eat. Fuck. Drink. Kick. Punch. Well, go ahead, are you going to eat me, drink me, kick me or punch me? Or perhaps you'd like to fuck me? Maybe all this violence and rage is simply to hide your feelings for me. Do you love me, do you dream of me at night, Josh?"

    "S-Shut up", was all the brute was able to get out, "and my name is BRAD!"

    "Well, I'm glad we got that figure-", I said before I was rudely interrupted by a kick to the stomach. At least Fat Fred was able to crawl away to safety, like the greasy slug he is.




    Anna

    The piano-teacher's eyes almost fell out of his eye-sockets. I know I forgot to practice, again, and I hit the wrong notes, again, but JEEZ he rolled his eyes so hard I thought his head would start rolling, too.

    I hate Pachelbel. All he's famous for is the fact that Bach liked his music. That's just silly.

    "Wrong, try again."

    I hate it when he says that. He always says that, though. I have him in my contacts as "Wrong Tryagain". It seemed fun at the time. Ehhh, who I am kidding, it's still pretty funny.

    "Wrong, try again."

    Anyway, you're probably thinking that I don't like piano. I LOVE PIANO. But, I'm also really lazy. I wake up every morning thinking that I'm going to do so much STUFF (practicing piano included), but I just end up doing absolutely nothing. I have no idea where the day goes, but it just slips through the fingers that should be playing piano.

    "Wrong, try again."

    Oh, bullshit, my hand slipped. "Could I be excused to the bathroom, please?", I asked, all polite and lady-like. He let out a placid "Okay" and shrugged as he always does. So why don't I tell you a bit about myself?

    My name's Anna. I am 18 years old, I go to school, and I go to piano lessons. I like music, movies, games, art, TV shows, books, socializing, photography, acting, dancing, and just enjoying life. I could enjoy my day doing nothing, and enjoy my day doing everything.

    My mom says I'm a ray of sunshine. My psychiatrist says I'm self-centered. But what does he know, I'm just forced to go to him cause the school says I suffer from an attention deficit or something. Yeah right, they feed you boring shit and then tell you that you're mentally ill for not being interested in eating it.

    Alright, I'm back from the bathroom, and I'm ready to rock this piano!

    "Wrong, try again."

    Fuck you Pachelbel.







    I appreciate any kind of feedback :D
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

  2. #2
    Brad's Avatar Super Moderator
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    I read through a few times so I'd be happy to talk about it with you.

    I'm curious to learn why its called blackout and whats going to happen here, so I definitely would be interested in you continuing this further.

    I think all of these sections had strong appeal, Anna's quite possibly being the most enjoyable imo, but with Theo definitely grabbing my attention right away with his glitter observation.

    All of these paragraphs were solid writing, very impressive. They all could've benifitted from being a little longer though to really flesh out the situation and the character, ala a novel. But understandably its not so simple just to write more, and I'm sure you will flesh them out fine as the story continues, so what you have there is good.

    Also I would recommend showing instead of telling. I really like the first person perspective but describe the situations (which you do a good job of doing a decent amount!) instead of just saying "then ___ happened". You generally do this really well but there were a couple times it slipped.

    I don't know what to expect considering it seems two perspectives were that of teachers and one of a student. It is definitely very interesting though.

    The second paragraph seemed really intense really fast, maybe a little hard to believe that kid wouldn't get in any trouble lol. Definitely a little weird though.

    I really liked this though. You've written quite well and definitely interested me in reading more to see what kind of story this is and to get more background on it, and I could see it being an actual book start. So good job


    Woah Mama:

    Spoiler: 




    Quote Originally Posted by Juiz
    when you make a post and brad instantly buries it and you decide that maybe suicide is the answer
    Quote Originally Posted by Sane
    Brad didn't do shit to save the forum it was all NukeL3AR
    Quote Originally Posted by Turtle
    fking brad with his white writing on a white background
    Quote Originally Posted by Ludwig
    Brad I swear to god I'll Fortnite dance on your grave
    Quote Originally Posted by Adonis
    brad can i hit ur juul please bro just one hit
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    “Bumblin’” Brad sent in a paper claiming to have “interviewed” me! Wrong! I have done no such thing, and Liddle Bradley had to sit in his room by himself and make up quotes in order to get his work “published”. Despite the negative forum covfefe, the Fake News Media controlled by Globalist Sam Bama is whipping itself into a frenzy trying to make up lies about your favorite forumer (Me!)

  3. #3
    Turtlesauce's Avatar 2016 Writer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burroughs View Post
    I read through a few times so I'd be happy to talk about it with you.

    I'm curious to learn why its called blackout and whats going to happen here, so I definitely would be interested in you continuing this further.

    I think all of these sections had strong appeal, Anna's quite possibly being the most enjoyable imo, but with Theo definitely grabbing my attention right away with his glitter observation.

    All of these paragraphs were solid writing, very impressive. They all could've benifitted from being a little longer though to really flesh out the situation and the character, ala a novel. But understandably its not so simple just to write more, and I'm sure you will flesh them out fine as the story continues, so what you have there is good.

    Also I would recommend showing instead of telling. I really like the first person perspective but describe the situations (which you do a good job of doing a decent amount!) instead of just saying "then ___ happened". You generally do this really well but there were a couple times it slipped.

    I don't know what to expect considering it seems two perspectives were that of teachers and one of a student. It is definitely very interesting though.

    The second paragraph seemed really intense really fast, maybe a little hard to believe that kid wouldn't get in any trouble lol. Definitely a little weird though.

    I really liked this though. You've written quite well and definitely interested me in reading more to see what kind of story this is and to get more background on it, and I could see it being an actual book start. So good job
    Thanks a lot for the feedback, I will definitely flesh out the characters more, and why it's called blackout will be revealed next chapter.

    Liam and Anna are both students. Theo is a teacher. I assume you thought Liam is a teacher, but he's a student, that's why he referred to Fred as a "fellow classmate".
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion View Post
    I will delete this forum.

  4. #4
    YellowNerd's Avatar More Blonde in your Movie
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    Ooh this is interesting, You're a great writer man, Can't wait to read more

  5. #5
    cant wait for the next scene feels like i am making my own image of your characters though great job keep it up

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