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Thread: Klonoa's Official Review Thread

  1. #21
    Umbreon's Avatar 2016 Gamer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noctis View Post
    Yay, Rangers best line was one I did, ayy

    Great review, klo!

    Also yes, down under is an aussie reference, dunno why it got left out xd
    I thought it was too obvious to point out ;n;
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    If you wanna put me in a fic or something, you may! Just let me know so I can read it when it comes out

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  2. #22
    Klonoa's Avatar Tao of Blue
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    So as we work backwards, the next one in line is Donald Trump vs Hillary Clinton. Now after the election is a month past, let's see how we do here. Let's not waste any more time and review, review, review!

    The Beat:

    It's not horrible. Aside from the really weird vocal at the very beginning, I'll say it's decent enough for this battle. It definitely has tension, which we all know there was plenty at that time. It doesn't really stand out to me though, unfortunately, which kinda stinks. But then again, we want to focus on what these candidate are saying, right? ...Pfft, nah, who could stand listening to these two bicker?
    7.5/10

    The Costumes:

    Donald Trump: Waaaaay better than the Peter version of Trump. Lloyd fits it much better. The hair is a bit awkward, but other than that there's not much to complain. I would be nitpicky about the fact that some of the orange makeup rubs off onto Trump's white collar, but it was inevitable so whatever.
    3.5/4
    Hillary Clinton: Aside from the facial structure, which I can't help but notice, everything looks more or less spot on. The hair could use a little work, but the thing I was most upset about was her outfit. Yeah, she was wearing something similar in the first debate, but the background is the SECOND debate. Trump is accurate with the red tie, so why not Hillary? Really trivial thing, so maybe I'm way too focused on that. Eh, I won't hold it against them.
    3.5/4
    Abraham Lincoln: I won't say anything here. They've kept up the Lincoln look pretty accurately enough for me so... yeah. Since Lincoln didn't say much his score will be out of a different number of points.
    2/2

    The Impressions:
    Donald Trump: Pretty awesome, especially in the second part of his verse. Yeah, I know it's really exaggerated, but this is kinda like a political cartoon, where everyone is caricatured and changed up.
    4/4
    Hillary Clinton: Pretty much the same as Trump. But she's definitely nowhere near as energetic in real life. I think she was a little TOO exaggerated. But, the coughing was a nice touch.
    3.5/4
    Abraham Lincoln: Same as always.
    2/2

    The Visuals:
    The background being the second presidential debate was a great choice. I especially like how the "BEGIN" appears on the screen in the back instead of the normal way. The slightly crooked Hillary Clinton title card is a great reference to "Crooked Hillary", too. Obama vs Romney got nothing on this in terms of visual style, really. When the background wasn't the debate stage, it was still great and eye-appealing. The way the two candidates react to what they say about each other is really funny, too. You know what? I'll be generous this time around.
    9/10

    Hillary Clinton:
    I've been in this game too long; I'm a public servant!
    This is a pretty weak opening line. I mean... couldn't they have come up with something better than this?
    Have been since I met MLK in person!
    Okay, a decent boast. I like how she talks about how far her political career stretches. But, Trump got into Home Alone 2, soooooooo...
    I'm a woman of the people; that's for certain!
    Can we please get a better line than these three?
    You're a man of the people who don't like turbans!
    Okay, there we go. Not a line that stands out to me, but it's definitely better than the previous ones.
    I was living in the West Wing while you were professional wrestling!
    Oh, I remember that clip of Trump tackling that person. Funny. Not a bad line, offers a good comparison.
    You got skin like Russian dressing from too much Russian investing!
    Inevitable skin color joke, but it's way better than just calling him orange, so I'll bite.
    You been going bankrupt since the 90s! If I was in Iran, you couldn't find me!
    This is really fact statey, and the Iran part could have been worded better, I think.
    You don't care about the job, Trump! You just think the desk is shiny!
    Okay... not bad. I really don't have much to say here.
    I said that I respect your children, but that wasn't quite right, yo!
    You know who I feel bad for? That little kid behind Trump. 10 year old Barron Trump. I mean... he had to be surrounded by Secret Service or whatever all the time, anyone could attack him, he has to stay up and be around all these media and news and stuff... Gotta feel bad for him. I'm hoping this and the next lines, as funny as they are, aren't directed at him.
    Looking like some extras from American Psycho!
    But the idea behind the line is good, so I'll accept it.
    First name is Hillary, middle name Rodham, last name is Clinton, and lyrics, I got 'em!
    nhyuhbyfuhbyujfyuhjyuhgyuhgh hj bhvgvjn hgvjb. That was my forehead on the keyboard. This line we could have done without way too much.
    You fire celebrities on The Apprentice! Mutha fucka, I fire bin Laden! (Crack!) *cough*
    Now we're getting somewhere! Killing off bin Laden is a pretty good boast.
    How do I say this? You're racist!
    It would be a dumb line, but the delivery is brilliant.
    Ooh, you must get so pissed that your hands are too small to stop and frisk!
    Yeesh, dem's fighting words! Haha, GEDDIT? Because Clinton is a Democrat?
    So you use your fingers to touch chicks!
    Just a meh line here. Really fact statey.
    She's only 12 years old. "That's enough, shit!"
    I love this part, becaue it's building up to something huge.
    But she's married, sir. "Just gotta get pushy."
    And it keeps building, showing off all the things that Trump says and feels about women.
    That's your daughter. "Well, grab her by the pussy!"
    "H-hey Barack." "Joe...?" "I replaced all the White House doorknobs with cats." "Why...?" "So Trump can grab them all by the-" "Joe......." Yeah, great line.
    (Huaggh!) That's assault, brotha!
    So somewhere back there it starts changing from a weak verse to a much stronger verse. It's kinda like a minivan. Takes some time to warm up, and maybe Clinton's a soccer mom. Who knows?
    Don't tell me the victim's at fault, sucka!
    Although these two lines could have been tweaked a bit, I think.
    You don't know shit about steaks, yucka!
    I was hoping for a reference to the steaks, and I was not disappointed. Would have liked a Trump University line, too.
    But the ones on the 8th are great, mutha fucka!
    Stakes and steaks? HA. Unfortunately, it feels like "sucka", and "yucka", and etc. are just all there to make it rhyme.
    Better save the date; I'm gonna rock the vote!
    Not bad... I guess. Mediocre line here.
    Bad bitch on the scene like Murder, She Wrote!
    Be careful calling yourself that, Clinton. Because I'm from the future... and I have some stitches for after you got beat...
    So go ahead, Donald! Let me see you flow!
    Okay, I like the domineering attitude she has, in comparison to how Trump just doesn't care. Just look at him!
    I brought Michelle's speech; borrow some quotes!
    Fantastic finisher. I really liked this a lot.

    Some good lines, and many meh lines. But when the line are good, they are really, really great. Unfortunately the other lines, while not bad, weigh it down. 8/10 here.


    Donald Trump:
    Let me just say I respect all females,
    While not the best opener, it's definitely something Trump would say. As someone who saw no preview before, this made me grin hearing his voice.
    But your rhymes are trash; put 'em next to your emails.
    This is quite the zinger. I liked the way they used this reference.
    Our country's in crisis. Who wants to vote for the mother of ISIS?
    This line and the next one are just okay for me. Nothing stands out.
    That might not be exactly true, but I don't do politeness.
    We didn't exactly need this line.
    (Believe me.) You wanna talk about misogyny? Your Bill's worse than Cosby!
    I recall that my grin was still going hearing his voice. It matches and it's hilarious.
    He left a mess on that dress like you left in Benghazi!
    Great double reference, I'm really digging this verse so far.
    (Terrible!) You wanna break the glass ceiling, Hillary. I sense it,
    Okay, what's next?
    But the only crack you'll find is my ass pressed against it!
    Again, great line. They're taking all the big things against Clinton and using them all against her like rapid fire.
    The numbers are in, and I'm right on your tail!
    And now I feel like they've realized they've run out of Clinton jokes. At least, it seems that way to me. So now they're just going to make some basic lines, while still very relevant, but don't hit as hard.
    You don't have the stamina, baby; you're frail!
    I like the subtle references though. It feels like they're running out definitely, though.
    This will be just like '08 when you fail,
    Actually, it WAS just like '08. Surprise from the future!
    But Trump will appoint you to jail!
    I, however, really like how this is a nod to the second debate, and the background is actually the second debate! Pretty clever... or maybe unintentional.
    How do I say this? You're a 2,
    This was funny, I'll admit.
    And you almost lost the primary to a socialist Jew!
    I'm kinda sad Bernie didn't get it in, but at least he got a reference. And WHOA, Trump's verse is looooong. Longer than my D... my... um... my DNA. Probably.
    What do the American people gotta yankee doodle do
    This was kind of a lame joke to me but I'll take it.
    To get it through your fat face that they're just not that into you?
    Now they're really scraping the bottom of the barrel, but I appreciate the effort.
    They want a strong, male leader who can stand up to China.
    Yeah, the second part of his verse is pretty weak, but his mannerisms are decent.
    (China, China, China…) Not a crooked little wishy-washy bleeding heart vagina! (…bloody vagina!)
    But this made me go "Hah." So I guess that's good.
    I'm gonna run these streets like I run my casinos:
    Could I just skip these lines?
    More police and less Latinos!
    I'm gonna say the same thing over and over again.
    While you bury us in debt buying poor people socks,
    They're just okay.
    I'll create jobs tearing down mosques!
    None of these are really boasts or disses...?
    Then I'll use all the best rocks from the site to build a wall!
    According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

    Dip it in gold and make Mexico pay for it all!
    Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

    I'll make this country great again! We'll all be living large!
    The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

    I'll tell Congress, "You're fired," and put Charles in charge!
    Huh... what? Oh! A legitimately clever line! It's not a boast or a diss, but it's got my attention again.
    'Cause this whole system's rigged, and we all know the riggers!
    Yeah, well... not bad for a rigged election, amirite?
    For the last eight years, this country's been run by— (CAW!)
    I like how both of the presidential battles involve getting interrupted by the eagle.

    Marginally better than Clinton, taking in an 8.25/10. That's all I got.


    Abe Lincoln:
    Are you fucking kidding me with this blah blah blah?!
    Now... I wish they used some more creativity with this last verse. Nothing stands out to me that much.
    I've half a mind to feed you both to my oversized— (CAW!)
    BUT, they've adjusted for inflation with not two, but THREE eagle caws! (One more below.)
    I've heard more thoughtful discussion up in TMZ!
    Again, nothing stands out to me, but there is no doubting the intensity.
    You two got brother blocking brother on their Facebook feed!
    I do like how Lincoln is saying, albeit very indirectly, about how they're tearing people, and the country, apart with this election.
    I'm so sick and tired of this ridiculous shit!
    Don't care for this line.
    If this is the best my party gets, then my party should quit!
    So here's a problem that I know a lot of people have with this battle.
    (Ha!) I'm sorry, did I say something that you found funny?
    Let's just ignore this kinda pointless line here for a moment...
    Wipe that creepy-ass smile off your face and beat this dummy!
    Yeah, this. The uneven-ness of it all. Yeah, it's brave of them to endorse Clinton, but I'm guessing this is where all the dislikes came from.
    And if she does win the White House, be a man and hold the door!
    I do like Trump's expressions during this part, though.
    Don't get your fans stirred up in some sorta Twitter civil war!
    Maybe the only clever line in Lincoln's entire verse.
    Here's an equal opportunity smack down in the sequel!
    Let's get this over with.
    That's of the people, by the people, for the people! EAGLE!!! (CAW!)
    I like how they make this a spiritual successor of sorts though.

    They tried to make it like the other one, and they more or less succeeded. Too bad this verse wasn't as good as the other two, but the gestures help it a lot. 6.5/10 for Lincoln.

    Hillary Clinton's Best Line - Ooh, you must get so pissed that your hands are too small to stop and frisk!
    Hillary Clinton's Worst Line - Just... just the name line.

    Donald Trump's Best Line - But your rhymes are trash; put 'em next to your emails.
    Donald Trump's Worst Line - That might not be exactly true, but I don't do politeness.

    Abe Lincoln's Best Line
    - Don't get your fans stirred up in some sorta Twitter civil war!
    Abe Lincoln's Worst Line - (Ha!) I'm sorry, did I say something that you found funny?

    Hillary Clinton - 8/10
    Donald Trump - 8.25/10 - WINNER!
    Abe Lincoln - 6.5/10
    Beat - 7.5/10
    Costumes - 9/10
    Impressions - 9.5/10
    Visuals - 9/10

    Final Score
    - 57.75/70 or 82.5%

    Aaaaand that's the end of the presidential battle. It must be reaaaaaally awkward in hindsight now that ERB endorsed Clinton, but whatever. It was a decent battle for me, it didn't disappoint me by any means.

    Hey... so why does Hillary Clinton have three L's in her name?
    ...One for '08, one for '16, and one for this battle! Ooooooooooo

    Juiz: You can quote me on this: Klonoa is my favorite son.

  3. #23
    Spookiz's Avatar
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    Gunnut vs Lawlz, pls ty my son
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  4. #24
    Klonoa's Avatar Tao of Blue
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    I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to review Gunnut vs LAWL or Tony Hawk vs Wayne Gretzky. Since Hawk vs Gretzky still has several of the lines undecoded, I guess I'll go with ERBOF. So let's just waste any more time and review, review, review this sucker!

    *sees the rap length*

    What have I gotten myself into...?

    Gunnut:
    My sukas, this so called genius still has a lesson to learn,
    Good intro. Nice use of taking LAWL, who likes to be the one who teaches, the student now.
    Doc’s about to get a Crash Course on third degree rap burns!
    Ouch, I really like this line a lot. It's on point, it's threatening, and overall solid.
    I'm a hyper intelligent fluent comprehensible prodigy of the prestigious facts, sir,
    So I was saying the rap in my head... and then I came up to this line. And I said to myself, "I better slow down the tempo for this one!" I like how we're solidifying this point here, like foreshadowing of sorts.
    So do me and the forum a prodigious favor and forget your fucking password!
    I really like how "prestigious" from the previous line kinda rhymes with "prodigious" here. It's a good line, but did LAWL ever forget his password? That would make this line even better if that were the case.
    I'll take you to the gun range, you should be used to being shot down by now,
    I daresay that Gunnut's been firing off these gun jokes! Great line again.
    Cause you’re gunnin’ for trouble if you think you’ll make it out safe and sound!
    Maybe not as effective as the previous gun line, but it's still decent.
    I'll take your little equines to my r**p chamber and make ‘em my sex ponies!
    Bestiality is generally frowned upon, Gunnut, but whatever. I like the whole stealing meme joke here.
    Then I’ll be taking control of this battle like the FUCKING BUREAUCRACY!
    What would be even funnier is if Gunnut proceeded to rant about bureaucracy in the next couple lines, but I'm glad you guys didn't do that.
    I'm like Hannibal Lecter, sophisticated but I'll fucking eat you alive!
    Basic, but good. I actually kinda saw this coming.
    And my intelligence level is like yours, only multiplied by five!
    Aside from the whole doing math thing and the basic insult, I'm not seeing much to this line. Not a bad one by any means, but definitely not as hard-hitting as the others.
    Pardon my French, but vous n'avez pas une putain de chance contre moi!
    I didn't take a single semester of French in my life and I understood what this meant, so... yay me?
    I've been blessed with a silver tongue, you've got a Wyatt Glass jaw!
    Oh, this was a good one. Like, really good.
    I’d say I'm curious about your verse, but it’ll just be unfunny crap,
    Not the best, but it's a setup so I'll bite.
    Your name may be Lawlz, but I know I’ll have the last laugh..
    Really good finisher for this verse. I can tell "unfunny" worked into the whole line about laughter.

    I can't find anything truly major to complain about here. The flaws I believe to exist don't bother me so much, so... yeah. This can't be below a 9.75/10.


    LAWLzoR:
    You thi-
    SIKE


    Gunnut:
    ..as I go in for the stealth kill and slit your throat with my Karambit!
    This was clever. Taking LAWL off guard and this line go well together.
    I outclass you in every aspect, yet you don’t seem to understand it.
    Was kinda hoping for something along the lines of "getting schooled" but then again, I would have said it was a basic joke, so ignore me here. Outclass isn't bad either, probably on the same par with schooled for me.
    I’m a far better rapper, and you can’t match wits with me.
    Aside from the reference, it's pretty good. Not a super strong line, but it works.
    Someone reading anything you post, now that's more likely!
    Though he's been getting more recognition lately. If this was made before LAWL got Rapper of the Year 2016 and before the Nothing Trumps Understanding stuff, then this would be way more effective. But it still hurts, so I approve.

    Definitely not as strong as the first verse, but it's still pretty good. I think an 8.75/10 is good.

    LAWLzoR:
    I th-
    Just... just hold on for a little while longer.


    Gunnut:
    And speaking of your failures, let’s talk about your time as a Super Mod:
    Not bad for a set up line.
    Three whole years on the Staff, but only three posts in the mod log?!
    Pretty good, but I feel like there could have been some other stuff that could have been done with this line that makes it less... I dunno, mundane, maybe? Like "Three total posts in the mod log, one for each year!" or something would help? I dunno, maybe you think otherwise, but that's what I see.
    I’m the Deadliest Forumer with tons of swag, that’s a fact son.
    Wait, people still use the word "swag"? Why don't I ever recall seeing that recently?
    I’m cocked and ready to pump, while this brony gets no action.
    This was funny. Strangely though, I feel like Spike has been referencing MLP more than LAWL lately. But whatever, ignore me.
    I don't mean to r**p-stick it right where it hurts, but seriously,
    Not bad. This line is just meh for me. It feels mostly like just references, and the stick was used better earlier.
    What more did you expect, I ain't got a face of mercy!
    I want to say that Gunnut used the "face of mercy" joke better in his REWF against Log. This one felt basic.
    You may not remember my name or face, but you’ll NEVER forget this,
    Okay, but this was very good.
    ‘Cause Lawl will fall faster than his history series did!
    This is also very good. I think a "You're history!" would work even better, but I'm happy with this.

    Better than the second verse. I'll say a 9.25/10 at the very least.


    LAWLzoR:
    Listen, I-
    Hush sha-sha-shush... Patience, young grasshopper.


    Gunnut:
    On the subject of history, it’s time I made some of my own,
    Not bad for another opening line.
    So prepare yourself for my vast intellect as my verse truly gets goin’:
    A generic boast for me, but I'll wait and see what comes next.
    I unfeignedly got to ascertain myself with your forge of malapropism verses
    So... I looked into Merriam Webster to double check, and unfeignedly isn't coming up as a word. I guess you can't use it as an adverb.
    But I'll have to curtail your misfired insults with perilous and ingenious curses
    So LAWL didn't exactly fire anything yet but I'll shut up and keep reading.
    I interdict you from vituperating dissolution, but your mother is an importune and a waste
    So... importune isn't a noun, it's a verb. But bear with me, readers, my grammatical pickings will all be summed up at the end.
    My lines are verisimilitude and I'll volubility continue with my tractable incessant consummate
    I think the word you're looking for is "volubly", the adverb form of "volubility".
    You’re infuriating my vigilant and intrepid self with your deplorable rudeness.
    Okay, so this is an edited part. Just found out that Umbrella used a fancy word generator or something of the sort to make this part of the verse. None of my grammatical nitpickings would have had any influence on the scoring anyway, so... yeah! Good job.
    I’ll disinter your feckless extricable lines with my hospitable eloquence
    https://youtu.be/Vysgv7qVYTo?t=1m3s
    I am feeling cantankerous and won’t show mendacity, I’m about to make this idiosyncrasyI’m apt to seeing you are grievous and show lament that you are both inscrutable and probity

    I have apprehensive poignant inimical lines that shall not be desultory, I abjure it
    Poignant, huh? That actually got a laugh out of me. But really, how many people in the team know the meaning of these words? Also, the way they're used... it's hilarious.
    And your levity and defiance is so gossamer, it percepts you and makes you discomfit
    Okay, I'm really confused at the percept part. And you know what? I don't care anymore.
    I don't mean to be a crass raconteur or a curmudgeon, nor turgid
    But I advise you not to plod nor embezzle your haughty quell, you hypocrite
    Are you guys trying to give me PTSD for my English classes back in high school or something? Because it's slowly getting there.
    Cause if you do not cease to-
    Finally.

    The reason I love this verse so much is because none of the long words, which mind you, haven't been used extensively since the 1800's, really make sense with each other. The actual insults are really basic though, so I gotta give it an 8.5/10. It's full of fluff, but it's a good fluff. Who doesn't enjoy a marshmallow, right?


    LAWLzoR:
    Shut up Gonad, I’m sick and tired of being gentle,
    Decent for a line for interrupting Gunnut. If this were a regular opening though, it wouldn't have worked that well.
    I came for Intellectual Discussion, but instead I got Spam Central!
    Ooh, I like this one a lot.
    You may use big words, but that doesn’t make you smart by default,
    While this is totally a good line, anyone could have really said this against him. You know what I would have done? Some line along the lines of "Useless big words are a sin, they must be really taxing!" or something. Of course not that line specifically, but I would have loved to see a syntax pun. But that's just me.
    And speaking of words, when I get mine in, you’ll want to sue me for verbal assault!
    Okay, awesome. This verse it's getting better and better. And it's a nice change from the sesquipadelian loquaciousness. (Hold on, checking that I spelled that right on Google.. ....Yes, I did! First try, too! And yes, that was an SAT word for me.)
    You're talking about being unfeigned? Then let me tell the truth:
    I bet your age is higher than your actual IQ!
    Kind of a basic insult, but it's funny for sure.
    I give the forum knowledge, you give everyone huge migraines!
    I like these comparison lines.
    This fucknut will know real pain when I drop him faster than Unity drops frames!
    Good for a setup line, but oh, when we get to the next line...
    Heck, this “assassin” doesn’t have the Creed-entials to even rap against me!
    This makes it even better. Amazing Assassin's Creed references and puns.
    You’re nothing but a one-trick pony, just look at all your OCs!
    I get the point, but I feel like this could have been worded better. At least to me.
    Let me teach you something, ‘cause I wanna watch the world learn, Gonad!
    Not bad here.
    Call this “Fire Raps 101”, ‘cause you’re about to feel the burn, nomad!
    Ironic because Gunnut supported Gary Johnson, right? These two lines are pretty basic for me, I guess.
    Here’s a formula for you, suka, class is now in session.
    I think the following is more of an equation, since it's X + Y = Z, and A times B = C. But whatever, it works fine. I'm just being picky.
    A lonely kid, plus guns, makes for an alarming obsession.
    I can picture LAWL writing on a blackboard while saying this, and just acting all cocky.
    Now, take that kid, and subtract a few billion brain cells,
    One of the better "you're dumb" jokes in this battle.
    And I’m not talking about splinters, like the one below your belt.
    Ouch, this line really hurts. Like... wow. Great. Caught me waaaay off guard.
    Plus a copy of a thesaurus and the-sore-est attitude.
    Great pun here. Again, I think one of the better puns here.
    Multiply that by your four years wasted here as a way to conclude.
    Normally I would complain about PEMDAS here but you know what? I don't care, all this is great set up and I totally love the building up.
    What comes together when you combine it all?
    A wannabe voice actor who needs a wake up call!
    But... I hate to say this, but I feel like this line here could have been executed so much better. Don't get me wrong, it's still good, but it's building up to something so great, and all that's left is something that, in my opinion, isn't so good.
    You see, it’s simple math, but I doubt you can comprehend,
    So let me dumb it down for you: You suck, HA, the end.
    But these two lines make up for it. Pretty solid ending.

    This verse is going to be out of 40, since Gunnut got 4 verses. Um... some of this could have been better, honestly, but some lines were amazing. This build up, again, could have worked better for me if the last line of the formula was hard-hitting for me. Try a 35/40 on this one. This translates to an 8.75/10.

    Gunnut's Best Line
    - I've been blessed with a silver tongue, you've got a Wyatt Glass jaw! - It was a tough choice, but I love this line.
    Gunnut's Worst Line - Just pick one of the long-worded lines and let's call it a day.

    LAWLzor's Best Line
    - (Now, take that kid, and subtract a few billion brain cells,) And I’m not talking about splinters, like the one below your belt. - This stood out the most for me.
    LAWLzor's Worst Line - You're talking about being unfeigned? Then let me tell the truth: - I feel like something could have replaced this line that says the same thing.

    Gunnut - 36.25/40 - WINNER!
    LAWLzor - 35/40

    With a grand total of four verses spit out, it seems pretty much inevitable to me that Gunnut would win. Despite the funny long-worded filler, Gunnut had the advantage of being able to say more overall. LAWL didn't seem to quite have the edge here.

    But hey, that's what I think. Maybe other people think otherwise.
    Last edited by Klonoa; 12-12-2016 at 05:31 PM. Reason: Spelling and spacing >.>

    Juiz: You can quote me on this: Klonoa is my favorite son.

  5. #25
    Poles's Avatar Senior Member
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    Thanks for the review my d00d

  6. #26
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    Really glad that you enjoyed this one! It was a lot of fun to work on.
    And once again, the lines you picked as the "best" lines were ones I wrote ayyyy.
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  7. #27
    Klonoa's Avatar Tao of Blue
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    Well, it's been a couple days since the curveball episode of ERB, which actually doesn't involve any literal curveballs. But it does have a lot of skating in it, and that's what we're gonna do today. This is the review of Tony Hawk vs Wayne Gretzky!

    The Beat:
    I actually liked this beat a lot, even though it's pretty basic. It just seems so much fun for me. It's intense, it does actually remind me of sports in a way. (Maybe not skateboarding, though.) To make it more sporty, maybe some electric guitars would be nicer. The low bass, however, really does remind me of ice hockey.
    8/10

    The Costumes:
    Wayne Gretzky:
    I can tell that they were really going after the younger version of him. I mean, just look at that messy hair. That's probably the only thing I really have a problem, too. The hair looks too fake on him for me. They captured the young Gretzky pretty well though. I also really like how they changed the Oilers logo to make it their own.
    4/5
    Tony Hawk:
    I have no complaints about the clothes. It's maybe the hair and face that have some issues for me. In some scenes, it really looks like Hawk. In some scenes, it's just Peter with a wig. Especially in the parts where Tony is in skater gear; it's just Peter for me.
    3.5/5

    The Impressions:
    Wayne Gretzky: Not bad, actually. He's aggressive, he's empowering, yet enjoyable. The voice isn't too far off from what I've found clips of, so that's definitely a plus too. Maybe just a tiny bit off, but it's okay.
    4.5/5
    Tony Hawk: As for Tony... it just sounds like Peter. That's really all I'm hearing. As for his mannerisms, they're pretty good. As a skater, this version of Hawk is chill, collected, yet with enough "Ha, take that!" in his voice. But really, they could have worked on the voice a bit.
    3/5

    The Visuals:
    Oh wow. Like, WOW. The skateboard stunts are phenomenal. Yeah, some of them look really fake, like how Hawk holds himself up in the "I got 99 problems" line. However, the fact that they did it all without a stunt double, just by Peter laying on the ground and doing stuff, it's all great. On the ice hockey side it's pretty good too. I love the attention to detail on the hockey scoreboard. Notice how the timer counts down to the very start of the battle and the very end of the battle. And how the heart appears on the board when Wayne talks about his wife? Really good. And the Tony Hawk's American Wasteland? Gorgeous.
    9.5/10

    Tony Hawk:
    I can skate better than this church boy turd can!
    Not a bad opening line for me. I like how he comes out saying that he skates better, in case we didn't get the connection.
    Not Cash Money, it's just Wayne versus Birdman!
    Great reference. I really like this line a lot, even if it's not a diss or a boast.
    You got your whole league to protect and adore you,
    Okay, I really like this set up.
    So which goon's gonna take this battle for you?
    I'm loving this verse so far. It's just great. And the possible reference to the movie Goon? Yeah, that's clever if that's the case.
    (Ooh!) I'm the dude who blew up extreme sports!
    Definitely a boast, though I'm sure there could definitely be better things to say here.
    That nose looks like you've seen some extreme snorts!
    HA. Yeah, this was funny. The face Gretzky makes as Tony continues to harass his nose is funny, too.
    I mean, look at that thing! That slope is gigantic!
    I will say that yes, this line helps reinforce the previous line, and it got a chuckle out of me.
    Even I wouldn't fly off a ramp that titanic!
    Buuuuut did they really need to add a second line talking about his nose? I will concede, however, that using the word "titanic" here helps the next line.
    And all the ice underneath you will get melted into water
    Cause you know? Titanic hit ice in the water? Am I the only one who says this is a connection? Because the Wiki and Genius don't. Anyway yeah, good set up.
    When I hit you with a trick that's even hotter than your daughter!
    The face Tony makes as he's saying this is so chill, I dunno why it's funny.
    You're old and you're basic; your talent is faded!
    Yeah, generic insults, but it's good I guess.
    And Oiler alert: you're about to get traded!
    Now THIS is a great line. They can't reference Gretzky without mentioning this one. I'm happy that Gretzky has his original jersey in this video.
    I drop rhymes like I'm dropping into a half-pipe!
    Good. I like the skateboarding references.
    I'll thrash this asswipe, hit you like a hash pipe!
    If this is the only foul word in the entire battle, I think it's cool. And appropriate, since Lloyd's friend's kid suggested this.
    (Uh!) Keep your mittens on, Gretzky; you're too clean!
    Good subtle reference to Gretzky never getting into a physical fight. Nice nod to the goon line, too.
    I got this covered like gravy on poutine!
    Not a bad finisher, but I think it could have been stronger.

    Great starting verse. The lines that I didn't feel were so strong were still good. I don't know if there are any truly bad lines in this battle. 9/10 here.

    Wayne Gretzky:
    That verse was rough! Damn, Tony!
    Something tells me "Damn Tony" was just added to rhyme with Zamboni. Either way it's an okay opener and setup.
    So let me smooth it out like I'm a damn Zamboni!
    Yeah, that was a good setup. At least the rough part was.
    (Eyy!) I'm the greatest ever when I play hockey,
    Normally this would be a generic boast, but this is legitimately true. He IS the greatest ever. That's his title.
    But on the microphone, I don't play, Hawkey!
    Some people say this is a dumb joke, while others say it's clever. For me, I wouldn't have made the connection of Hawkey and hockey, so it gets a plus from me.
    It's a street fight, T. Hawk! Show some respect!
    Video game references, yaaaaay! But yeah, I like this line.
    If you don't, then you'll catch a slap shot to the deck!
    I really like this line. The combinations of hockey and skateboard references are just really well executed throughout this battle.
    And I take a Flyer down, Bird; you're getting wrecked,
    Okay, good. An acceptable line.
    So you best prepare for arrival and cross-check!
    Whoa, this is a complicated joke. But you know what? I think it works. A little obscure and I definitely would not have gotten it without the ref guides, though.
    (Hey!) Let me tell you what putting a puck in the net's worth:
    Double what you've banked in bucks! Check my net worth,
    Hm... either Rap Genius copied from the Wiki or the Wiki copied from Genius. Because their explanations are exactly the same. But yeah, a very legit boast. I like.
    And my hot wife, the only woman in the world for Wayne!
    Nice Wayne's World reference. But yeah, I like this a lot. Great setup for...
    You're on your fourth wife; talk about the X Games!
    Ouch. Like, ouch. That hurts. And the pun with the X Games? Brilliant.
    There was one big trick that you ever did,
    Then you got out-spun by a 12-year-old kid!
    Yeah, that must have been humiliating. A little fact statey here, but I'll bite.
    Oh, you like fingerflips? How about one of these?
    I thought these were referring to the tiny fingers skateboards that kids like to play with at first, haha.
    Sit on this and rotate 900 degrees!
    Not a super strong finisher, but I think it's stronger than Tony's.

    The beginning started up kinda slow, but the rest of the verse more than made up for it. While Tony's first verse had great lines scattered here and there, Wayne had amazing lines at certain points, so both were great. 9/10 again.

    Tony Hawk:
    Great One, Wayne! Let me say something, Wayne!
    Aside from the Great One part, there's not much here. But, I like the fact that they use his great title as a sarcastic comment.
    I got 99 problems, and you ain't one, Wayne!
    Now if only Lil Wayne made this song. But yeah, it's a funny line, and I dig it.
    You'll catch a pop shove-it to the mullet if you tempt me!
    It's a good threat for sure. I like the way the line sounds overall.
    Your threats are like my swimming pools, bruh: empty!
    I love the bruh part. It's a short but effective way to reference skater culture. And the visuals? Outstanding.

    Maybe not as strong as the first verse but still good nonetheless. Take an 8.75/10, Tony.

    Wayne Gretzky:
    Let's skip the kickflips and McTwists!
    I don't think we needed this line too much.
    You'll be speechless after 3 periods like an ellipsis!
    But oooooohh boy, this line. Amazing, and easy to understand. I think this is a great line, right here.
    This goofy-footed geek's straight getting smoked!
    Okay, not bad.
    Got you down on your knee pads! Sorry about the deke joke!
    I laughed when I saw Genius' guide, saying how it's a stereotype of Canadians to apologize. Yeah, I forgot about that. If that's the case, I'll bite. Not a bad finisher, but this time, Tony's was stronger.

    Hm... you know what? Tony's was stronger. This one is a good 8.5/10, though.

    Tony Hawk:
    Man, you should hit the buzzer 'cause it's time to change lines!
    Ooh, good. No, not good. Great.
    You put that joke in the top shelf of lame rhymes!
    Great reference. I'm learning so much little stuff about hockey and skateboarding that I actually never knew. Like these little terms.
    This ain't typical sports; I use centripetal force
    While it definitely sounds cool and the last thing I expected to hear here was a physics reference, I think this could have been replaced.
    While you prance around in 4-pound icy diaper shorts!
    This line though, is pretty good. Not as hard-hitting as the other ones but still good nonetheless.
    I try to watch you on TV, but I can't see the puck!
    Is this supposed to be a diss? It's definitely not a boast.
    Hockey used to have guts, but now the teams Mighty Suck!
    It's a good movie reference, but the line itself isn't really a diss except saying how Gretzky's sport is bad. If anyone has any other inside please tell me, because I'm not seeing anything significant in this line according to Wiki and Genius.
    I taught kids around the world that there's nothing they can't do!
    Okay, not bad. This is true and admirable.
    Put more souls into skating than some Vans shoes!
    Nice ending pun, but this line just doesn't hit hard.

    Now the beginning part is great, but the second half of this verse is just meh for me. Still a great verse though, I think an 8.25/10 is good.


    Wayne Gretzky:
    Timeout! Let's talk about athletic achievements!
    I wish Gretzky was a little more active during this section instead of just standing there, but he doesn't say "Timeout" for no reason. Eh, maybe just me.
    You and I have so many world records between us!
    I keep debating whether or not he needs three lines of setup just to get to the zinger. I recall that Stevie Wonder needed three setup lines, but they were funny with good references. This one is just talking.
    184! That's plenty of 'em,
    This whole section is definitely good, but it feels a little too fact statey for me. But it's an incredibly good boast, on the other hand.
    And I've set 183 of 'em!
    So in general? ...Not bad.
    Undisputed, unrefuted! G-O-A-T!
    I feel like they could have done something else with GOAT. Maybe a better joke?
    You've been going downhill since Pro Skater 3!
    I knew this was inevitable. Funny joke, and hey, at least his games aren't the dreaded Skate 3!
    (Ooh!) And I'm too far ahead for you to catch up!
    Not a bad follow-up boast from the first part of this verse, but they could have totally done something with this.
    For true sports fans, this was finished as soon as they heard the matchup!
    Hockey stick drop is a plus. Not the most clever finisher, but I think it works well.

    I think an 8.75/10 is fitting here. Pretty solid lines the entire battle through.

    Tony Hawk's Best Line - And Oiler alert: you're about to get traded! - I dunno, but I really like this line.
    Tony Hawk's Worst Line - I try to watch you on TV, but I can't see the puck! - Meh. I guess.

    Wayne Gretzky's Best Line - You'll be speechless after 3 periods like an ellipsis! - It was either this or the X Games. Both were fantastic, so I just picked this one.
    Wayne Gretzky's Worst Line - Let's skip the kickflips and McTwists! - And at this rate, let's skip this line, too.

    Tony Hawk - 26/30
    Wayne Gretzky - 26.25/30 - WINNER!
    Beat - 8/10
    Costumes - 7.5/10
    Impressions - 7.5/10
    Visuals - 9.5/10

    Final Score - 84.75/100 or 84.75%

    Man, this was TOUGH to decide a winner, since both were great. Wayne outplayed Hawk by a tiny bit though. These battles in Season 5.5 have been consistently getting up to around the same area for me. Nothing truly sucks, but nothing truly blows me away. Still great battles, though. I hope to see something amazing next time, though. Because let's face it, the most amazing thing about this battle was how prompt it was. The BTS on the other hand...

    Juiz: You can quote me on this: Klonoa is my favorite son.

  8. #28
    Klonoa's Avatar Tao of Blue
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    If I though the Gunnut vs LAWLzor battle was long, then I might as well write my will for this next battle that I'm reviewing, which just happens to be Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible. HA YOU THOUGHT IT WAS TR VS WC WELL SIKE. Yeah... let's dive right in, I guess.

    The Beats:
    The way they start off with one beat, gradually make it more intense, then switch it out for another beat entirely, then go back to the first beat is brilliant. The first person we hear rapping is a Russian, and the last is also a Russian. It's a great recap and stuff. There is no doubt a bunch of intensity between Ivan, Alex, and Catherine, while Frederick and Pompey were more upbeat and fun-loving. The only complaint I have is that the high-pitched short melody in the first beat repeats soooooo many times. Like, way too many times, and it gets reaaaaally old fast. Fortunately Catherine's singing helps it when the first beat comes back. But other than that, no complaints here. Still, the repetitiveness of it hurts the score much.
    8/10

    The Costumes:
    Since this is gonna take a while for the entire review...
    Ivan the Terrible: I
    Alexander the Great: Have
    Frederick the Great: No
    Pompey the Great: Complaints
    Catherine the Great: K?
    10/10

    The Impressions:
    Ivan the Terrible: The accent is great, the villain role that he plays is great, it's fantastic.
    Alexander the Great: Not bad. I like how he's pompous (like Pompey) and so sure that he's gonna win. Would've been nice if he had a Greek accent or whatever though.
    Frederick the Great: I like his voice, but a German accent or at least some kind of accent would have been appreciated, instead of just sounding like Lloyd.
    Pompey: YEAH
    Catherine the Great: I understand that it might not be something Meghan is used to, singing with a Russian accent, so I'll let the lack of a Russian accent slide here.
    9.5/10

    The Visuals:
    Red Square? Awesome. Alexandria? Eh, not too bad. The Castle and Gate? Fantastic. Alexandria at night? Whatever. The royal room? Amazing. Now for details. The warm oranges and reds and yellows in Ivan and Alex's verses and the darkness of the "Hall of Killing" helps contrast Fred's brightly lit background, which displays his character. And the blurred background of Cathy's works well too, albeit kinda boring. Kinda wish Alexandria was a bit more visually appealing, though the different Alexanders appearing all over the place s good too. The decapitation was... eh. But generally good.
    8.5/10

    Ivan the Terrible:
    Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving!
    Great opener. Better than most.
    Try to serve Ivan: no surviving!
    Not bad of a pun. It's kinda like whether you serve Ivan or fight against Ivan, you gon' daaaaai.
    You're a land rover; I'm a land expander
    If there was an actual land rover machine named Alexander, then this would have been beautiful. But anyway, it's a decent line.
    Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander!
    They could have done something a little better than this line, I think.
    I'll school you like Aristotle!
    Kind of an obvious joke that I actually saw coming from a mile away. Not bad, but... eh.
    Smack you harder than you hit that bottle!
    Okay. ...Just okay.
    You're nothing but an overrated lush; I'll crush ya!
    Anyone could have said this to him, really. And did we really need two lines about him drinking?
    I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia!
    The visuals behind Ivan make this line a bit better, but other than that it's just an okay line.
    You're an asshole with an anastole!
    So... I'm gonna translate this to "you're a jerk with weird hair lol". This wasn't super impressive for me.
    I'm heaven-sent, divine and holy!
    Buuuuut, I guess it's a nice comparison to this line.
    So don't even try to approach the God,
    Okay, nice setup as well as a continuation of the last line. I'll bite.
    Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod!
    Okay, great finisher for an otherwise mediocre verse. This is very funny.

    There are some really great lines, but a lot of, while I won't necessarily say filler, uncreative lines in here. I guess a 7.75/10 is fair enough.

    Alexander the Great:
    Hey, fella! Swell diss,
    Hey, fella. ...What's this?
    But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed!
    Okay, wordplay is appreciated. Puns and word fun galore. So I'll bite. Also, if the whole "swell" part in the previous line really is about Ivan's nuts swelling after hitting Alex with them so much... then that's pretty funny. There's a saying in the art world saying "Any details you notice are never unintentional". Meaning if anything is there, even if it's a mistake you made like a stray line or a random blotch, it should be counted as if you did it intentionally. I'm trying to get into this mindset here.
    Stepping up's foolish as well as useless,
    Yeah, this line is pointless as well as useless. I can't even fish anything good out of this, with ref guides.
    Little Vasilyevich! Let me spell out the list:
    Could they have done something other than "spell out the list"? Yeah, I think so too.
    I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia!
    Ha. Not bad. I really like, despite all the filler lines at the beginning, they show his cocky and arrogant attitude. But is it worth giving up some good lines just to show this? Probably not, when they totally could have done something better and kept his prideful nature.
    Breezed through Gaza to Giza!
    Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq,
    While this take a while, it's a pretty solid boast in and of itself. Not many can say this.
    And Pakistan in my expansion pack,
    It's a nice Civ reference if it intends to be one. I also like how Alex argues back about Ivan saying he's only a land rover, and says he also is into "expansion", not just Ivan.
    While you died in the middle of a game of chess!
    Please do something more clever and creative than this next time, ERB.
    You got vodka bars: flavorless!
    HA. Great line here. Almost caught me off-guard with all the meh lines in here.
    And what I'm 'bout to spit will be the craziest,
    And then we go back to some more okay lines.
    So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed!
    You see, this is what happens when you get too cocky. You taunt the other one only to have it all backfire in your face.
    Kudos! Greek for the glory I got
    All I got from this was that he's Greek. Now, I heard at some point in time that Alex probably didn't even live near today's modern Macedonia, even though he's a famous Macedonian. Isn't that funny?
    From winning every single war that I fought!
    You could have at least said something like "I'll win this battle like every other one" or something, instead of just boasting.
    So this will be straightforward: I'll take up this sword that I brought
    And slice you in half like the Gordian knot!
    There could have been so many cool jokes or disses made with the legend of the Gordian Knot, but... oh well. I'm disappointed a bit here.
    And I'll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore
    Not bad if they're referencing how quickly Alex came to power.
    As I swatted my many enemies; shattered 'em like a porcelain pot,
    OPA!!!
    And they'd be praying for the torture to stop (ah!),
    But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring
    Until their vocal cords were torn up and shot!
    It flows really, really well. There's not much in it aside from the fact statey stuff but at least it sounds cool. If it was all disjointed and stuff then I'd despise it. But this is passable.
    And I would holler "Bucephalus!", hop on my horsey, and trot!
    Though I wish they could have done something else with his horse. ...No, not in THAT way. Just use the horse for a better line.
    I win, Ivan; I vanquish! I'm an immortal; you're not!
    Not bad of a finisher. The Ivan I vanquish is pretty clever.

    Some cool lines, mostly just for flow, and some utterly bad lines. I dunno... if I'm generous a 7.25/10 would be good.

    Okay, so what about the dialogue? All that will be counted together and scored out of ten after all five major verses. But for now...

    Frederick the Great:
    (Psst!) What about a flute-busting Prussian?
    Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!
    Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!
    I'm Frederick the Great! Out the gate, first servant of state!
    The flute solo was awesome, the catchiness really started picking up. I like Freddy already. Ha, that rhymed.
    Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight!
    Nice reference to the Oblique Order. The straight part is just okay, though. Not really a boast or a diss.
    I've got creative talents and battle malice!
    Could have been a bit more creative but these two points are both very valid.
    Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace!
    Nice reference, or rather parody of, "gentleman on the streets, animal in the sheets".
    Russia's fucked up, but no wonder why!
    This one is just okay on its own, but it's a fantastic setup for the next line.
    With your tundras and taigas and bears! Oh my!
    I love his little dance, too. This was an absolutely fantastic line.
    I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes
    This was a reference that I immediately got the first time I heard this line, and it's beautiful with the next line.
    If I had to look at your troll face every night!
    These four lines are brilliant. I also like how he sang "I'd pay a guy" instead of rapping.
    Now, bring me my chair!
    These foreshadowing things are kinda funny. It's also a contrast from when we get Catherine in it too.
    I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square!
    All the rhymes are cool. And the distance between Prussia and Red Square is VERY far. I dunno, the thought of that was funny to me.
    Fought a Seven Years' War; I ain't scared of a Tsar
    Decent setup.
    'Cause beating you only took me twelve bars!
    I do like how they compare time lengths here. Fred beat Ivan in 12 bars and wasn't afraid to do it after fighting for seven years.

    Great lines all over, and only some lines are lackluster. All the lines were by no means meh for me. A 9/10 is good.

    Catherine the Great:
    Macedonians, Prussians, and Romans; those aren't worthy opponents.
    Not a very ideal opening line for me, but her singing is what really makes you pay attention here.
    It takes a Russian to take down a Russian. I'm Cat; I'm a cat; you're a rodent!
    The cat and rodent joke is very good. When I first heard the audio I was like HA I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
    How are you the head of our state when the state of your head was such a crazy one?
    Okay, not bad playing the words "state" and "head" in different ways.
    Such sick shit going through your brain that you stuck a spike through your own son!
    So... if I recall correctly, the story actually is Ivan struck his son on the head, not stuck a spike through him. I guess the spike (his scepter actually) I guess went through his son's head? But it's an amazing comparison.
    (Oooh!) You're unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged!
    Decent. I guess.
    I brought the Russian empire straight out the olden days and right into the golden age!
    Okay boast, but otherwise not much.
    I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with!
    That's it? I mean, I understand what it means and all, but... that's it?
    This whole battle's like Alaska 'cause I settled it!
    At least this part is a good semi-ending line. Her verse is just so full of amazing wordplay.
    That horse story is a pile of shit,
    Ha, so while Alex and Fred referenced how they died and Ivan brought it to them, Ivan here gives her a supposed way to die and she rejects it because it's false. I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking it. But anyway, great line.
    Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit,
    Not a bad followup to the whole horse line.
    But you're never gonna get it, nyet!
    Yeah, I wouldn't blame you, Catherine. Nice reference to En Vogue.
    Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette!
    These lines coming from her second half are much better than her first part. I love it.
    I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off!
    Although this line is kinda fact statey and just okay.
    Bringing sexy back to House Romanov!
    Yeah, based on the number of lovers you had? Clearly.
    So don't call me queen; I'm far more great!
    Okay setup.
    Empress to Tsar 8, bitch! Checkmate!
    Awesome finisher line with a great chess reference. Though I have to wonder why the king that fell in Alex's verse was black and this one was white. But whatever.

    So many great lines here, nearly on par with Frederick the Great. I'd say a good 8.75/10

    Dialogue:
    Enough! (Ugh.) I don't stand a chance against your skills!
    I really like this twist. First Ivan catches the viewer off guard by actually admitting defeat.
    на здоровье! A drink to your victory! Yes, I will.
    Nice Russian. Though I have to wonder why "nyet" wasn't in Cyrillic.
    It seems no one can defeat me. I weep; it's all so easy!
    Remember what I said about being cocky?
    (Hoo!) What's wrong? I feel a bit…queasy.
    The look on Ivan as he just appears all menacingly behind Alex is pretty funny.
    Ha! You've been poisoned! Oh, the pain is unbearable!
    Wah, wah.
    My stomach's riddled with holes! (Ugh.) I'm terrible.
    The "I'm terrible" part? Gold.
    There's no great who could defeat this Russian!
    It's a little awkward here, since the viewer doesn't know that a bunch of Greats will come out to fight.
    Oh, what a humiliating defeat!
    I love the sarcasm here, and his face.
    I know when I am beat, so of course, take a seat!
    And where did he get Fred's chair out of nowhere?
    I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break instead
    I love Fred's tone of "yeah I'll keep beating you up but I'll take a breather and then I'll beat you again"
    And just rest my little head. Why don't you drop dead, Fred?!
    Nice movie reference.
    (Hmm.) My expectations were a lot higher,
    But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire.
    Kinda reminds me of Kid Icarus: Uprising. It was in Chapter 23, when Pit and Dark Pit rip a hole through Hades' chest. His response? "Ow! That hurt... but hey, at least I'm not dead!" ...I dunno why I thought of that.
    It's another great day and another great victory
    Yay dancing! Yay funny faces!
    'Cause no great can beat me! What about me, Pompey? Yeah!
    Beautiful reference.

    The dialogue is very entertaining. A stark contrast from the battle that hooks us in a very lengthy video. 9/10 is good.

    Ivan the Terrible's Best Line: Or you'll hit a huge sack like Novrogod! - easily the best line in his verse.
    Ivan the Terrible's Worst Line: I'm the first tsar in all of Russia! - Yup and I'm the first guy here named Klonoa.

    Alexander the Great's Best Line: You got vodka bars: flavorless! - One of the few good lines he has.
    Alexander the Great's Worst Line: Stepping up's foolish as well as useless! - Yeah, so is this line. Go figure.

    Frederick the Great's Best Line:
    With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my! - Delivery and line were amazing.
    Frederick the Great's Worst Line: Now bring me my chair! - It's plot, but whatever.

    Catherine the Great's Best Line: Empress to Tsar 8, bitch! Checkmate! - Great finisher.
    Catherine the Great's Worst Line: I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with! - Bleh.

    Ivan: 7.75/10
    Alex: 7.25/10
    Fred: 9/10 - WINNER!
    Cat: 8.75/10
    Beats: 8/10
    Costumes: 10/10
    Impressions: 9.5/10
    Visuals: 8.5/10
    Dialogue: 9/10

    Final Score: 77.75/90 or 86%

    This is too long. It's good. Wahoo.

    Juiz: You can quote me on this: Klonoa is my favorite son.

  9. #29
    Moonjik's Avatar Fine Red Wine
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    I agree that Fred killed it :D

    Also, could you please review my rewf with LAWL?
    Last edited by Moonjik; 01-02-2017 at 11:12 PM.
    But,░in░truth,░I░have░wept░too░much!░Dawns░are░hea rtbreaking.
    Ξvery░moon░is░atrocious░and░every░sun░bitter. (ュ だ  どいロリラ威萎虞う ャイ意営縁ぇヵ)

    Quote Originally Posted by Juiz
    moon you're hurting me in ways you'll never even know. lets do that suicide, buddy.

  10. #30
    Klonoa's Avatar Tao of Blue
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    Okay... I suppose I'll review Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill now. I'll do Moon vs LAWL later. I thought the others before it were great, and initially after hearing this one I didn't like it as much. But the like-dislike ratio is way less than the ones before, and after listening to it I guess it grew on me. Let's see how this one turned out.

    The Beat:
    As shown in the BTS, they spent A LOT of time on this. Like, a lot. The way the song changes throughout is pretty impressive too. The piano at the beginning gives me a bit of a ragtime feel. I really like the syncopation, too. Then once the different parts hit up it's pretty awesome as well. My only complaint here is that the song, while it adds a bunch of stuff, kinda seems to drag along. It's the same chords in the same order over and over again. There's no doubt that's it's intense but... still.
    8/10

    The Costumes:
    Theodore Roosevelt: Wow, they nailed this one. I can't believe just how much he looks like the real deal. Especially when he mimics some famous old pictures of him, it's mind boggling. Sure, sometimes it just looks like Lloyd doing his common facial expressions, but hey, that's not really anything I think is fair to take off points for.
    5/5
    Winston Churchill: Hm... I think the real life Winston was a bit more fat than what we see here. The face is a little off to me too, and he certainly doesn't exactly look like he's portraying a younger Winston. But the clothes are all fantastic. From first glance I would no doubt be able to tell that this was Churchill.
    4.5/5

    The Impressions:
    Theodore Roosevelt: He's bombastic, energetic, and pretty awesome. In some moments I can tell it's Lloyd rapping, but that's okay. Of course we can all tell that they're going after the ERB Newscaster Teddy voice, which is pretty clever. Maybe the voice could have been a little higher in actuality, but that's okay with me.
    4.5/5
    Winston Churchill: I can tell he's older than Teddy, with the way he sometimes limps and hobbles around with his cane. But then he dances like it's nobody's business and it's hilarious. The way Dan moves his jaw doesn't seem like something Churchill would do, but whatever, it adds humor. The voice is more or less spot on, too.
    5/5

    The Visuals:
    I'm not as impressed with the visuals here as I was in Wayne vs Tony. The backgrounds were pretty reminiscent of old seasons. Not a real designated location. However, it's better than the old seasons because instead of just plain old rotating pictures, there's a floor and a back wall, with moving parts and lightning flashes and rotating clock hands and grinding gears and whatever. The slow mo black and white thing was brilliant, too. If I had one real complaint it would be that the visuals were too dark and somewhat dull. Maybe something a little brighter would help.
    9/10

    Theodore Roosevelt:
    Bully! A challenge! I love competition!
    Eh. It's an okay starter. Not exactly the most clever of opening line but it's fine, I guess.
    Now, where would I mount the stuffed head of a Winston?
    This was pretty funny for me. He's talking, in the second line of the battle, as if he's already won. Good job. Also it's funny because Winston is a gorilla in Overwatch and you mount animals. ...I dunno, whatever.
    (Ha!) I'm into fitness, digging ditches through an isthmus,
    While you didn't exactly dig it yourself (and get tortured by the awful things in the Panamanian wilderness) this is a pretty cool boast for Teddy.
    Rough riding down to Cuba like, "What's up, bitches?!"
    Beautiful. Rough Riders in Cuba and of course the very meta line here. I like the way it echoes and resounds for a second or two afterwards.
    I keep my rhymes pure like my food and drugs!
    It's an... okay line. It's good, but it kinda feels out of place. It's like they needed a rhyme and they just made this to fill. Good thing it's not filler.
    I'm an American stud, and you're the British Elmer Fudd!
    This made me crack a smile, heh.
    I mean, for Christ's sake, look at that mug!
    Nice wordplay for a British meaning of "mug". I had a feeling there would be something of the sort in here.
    At least grow a spruce mustache and cover part of it up!
    While the visuals here are good, did they really need to have two lines concerning his ugly face?
    And let's face it, you're not all that great!
    At first glance this is dumb. But if it's referencing the Great in Great Britain, then it gets a bit better. And the "face" part is a good follow up line to talking about Winston's face previously, and even Teddy is leaning on his own face.
    You tossed away lives in Gallipoli like they were scraps off your plate!
    While this hurts, a lot, it's a little too fact statey. Could have done with a better joke than this.
    Your whole miserable country is the size of one state!
    Doesn't include Northern Ireland rip 0/10. And while Airstrip One is NOT the size of Alabama (Although England is) I'm going to assume this is artistic license and they're just trying to make a point.
    I could see my way through running that without donning my pince-nez!
    Okay, cool. Not the best line, but some people don't know that Teddy's glasses are called pince-nez, so I'll bite.
    Don't go toe to toe with me, you bloated, drunk, old man!
    This seems like a generic insult that anyone can use.
    Why don't you do-si-do on over to a twelve-step program?
    I do like how do-si-do does kinda rhyme with toe to toe. It's also nice because dancing has steps.
    I'll bust a trust fund lush with my American muscles,
    This line is fantastic. Like, really.
    So walk softly over here and give my big stick a suckles!
    And this was inevitable. But hilarious. And his face during this is gold.

    Teddy's first verse has a lot of great lines with maybe one or two not so great lines scattered here and there. It's still pretty awesome, though. Maybe an 8.75/10 is good.

    Winston Churchill:
    Pass me a cigar and a large glass of brandy.
    It's a good parallel to "OI M8 PASS THE LIQUOR" from Jack the Ripper. But otherwise, just eh.
    I'm about to take you out prematurely like your family!
    The wording of this is a little bit weird for me. I dunno. I get the reference but the wording is weird for me.
    I'm the Rhyme Minister, fresh in a hat and dinner jacket!
    Rhyme Minister is very good. Very meta since it's on Dan's Twitter account.
    You look like a mix of EpicLLOYD and a Pringles packet!
    Wow, what's with all this meta stuff? It's great.
    (Ha!) I was saving the planet from an axis of darkness
    Not bad. I'll take it.
    While you were back home opening national parks, yes!
    Because screw national parks, amirite? But anyway, this is a good comparison line.
    You were born asthmatic; you're going to choke hard,
    Anyone could have said this, but at least it's pretty clever.
    While I wake up every day and chain smoke cigars!
    Pretty good, considering Churchill died at 90 with smoking and drinking and Roosevelt died at 60 without, and only with breathing issues.
    I'll fight you on the beaches; I'll fight you on the beats, yes!
    Great way to incorporate the famous quote. Also clever, replacing "landing grounds" with beats, yes!
    Any way you want to fight, I'll fight ya, and I'll beat ya, see?
    While it's nice flow and rhyming, it's not exactly adding much of anything.
    I might be battling you even though I'm toasted,
    But tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you'll still be roasted!
    Fantastic ending to the verse. It's such a hilarious and amazing quote and ERB incorporated it very, very well.

    I'm seeing more lines here that I like more. I think a 9.25/10 is good here.

    Theodore Roosevelt:
    My parents died when they were young, and it was morbid,
    But at least they didn't ditch me while they were alive like yours did!
    Awesome. And much better worded than Churchill's version, in my opinion.
    Oh shit! World War too soon?
    PFFT short line but hilariously delivered.
    Well, Teddy's dropping bombs, so you best go hide in your tube!
    Ooh, very good. I really like this reference.
    (Ooh!) You should be ashamed of your military honor!
    While not the best set up line, I like how these lines take into question how Churchill said he was "saving the planet" when Roosevelt makes all these points.
    Everyone knows you're back at home like, "Thank God for Pearl Harbor!"
    This made me burst out laughing the first time I saw the video. The emotion, the delivery, and the line is fantastic. I'm loving all these WWII jokes.
    Don't worry, the US will give you a pass!
    Genius says that this is a reference to the Land-Lease Policy, as well as Churchill being the first person to receive honorary US citizenship. Not bad in this case.
    Just change your poster to "Keep calm and kiss my cousin's ass!"
    Great. Just amazing. I think this is spectacular.

    If I had to really nitpick, some lines here were a little lackluster but still very effective. I can't give anything lower than a 9.75/10. That good.

    Winston Churchill:
    Steady there! I don't think it's very fair
    For a British Bulldog to melee with a Teddy Bear!
    Great comparison. Very nice indeed.
    (Ha!) You're no man; you're an overgrown Boy Scout!
    This was funny, even though some of the other lines weren't as hard hitting.
    I should stuff you in a pram just so you can throw your toys out!
    I mean, it's a good insult, but it doesn't truly pertain to Roosevelt in any way aside from Churchill just calling him a child.
    They put your fat head on a mountain to save face,
    Heeeey, now everyone on Mount Rushmore has been in an ERB! Pretty awesome.
    But if Rushmore was a band, then you'd play bass!
    This was pretty funny for sure. Even better, Teddy is the last Rushmore member the rap, so it's like he's insignificant. Made even funnier since Rushmore really is a band. Nice visuals here, by the way. Didn't notice the sign "Rushmore" on the side wall till I watched it a couple times.
    Look at Roosevelt! The dude's about to lose the bout to Churchill!
    Not bad flow here.
    If a bullet to the chest won't stop you, my words will!
    This is so awesome. Like, amazing.

    I feel like Churchill's first verse was much more effective than his second one. I think this one will go down to... eh. How about an 9/10. It's still great, but not as good.

    Theodore Roosevelt:
    A bullet can't stop the Bull Moose!
    Nice reference to the quote, even if this line doesn't do much.
    TR will give WC the full deuce!
    But this was a fantastic follow-up.

    This mini-verse's grade was considered a part of the second verse.

    Winston Churchill:
    Whatever shit you throw at me, I'll just return to sender!
    I kinda wish they kept the suspenders line from the BTS. This one is just okay.
    I'll battle to the end, and I will never surrender!
    But I like the quote reference. Dunno if it's fitting as a way to end the battle, but whatever.

    So is this one.

    Theodore Roosevelt's Best Line - "Everyone knows you're back home like 'Thank God for Pearl Harbor!'" - Since it was such a tragedy, pointing out that Winston feels happy for this event really makes it the best for me.
    Theodore Roosevelt's Worst Line - "Don't go toe to toe with me, you bloated, drunk, old man!" - Yeah.

    Winston Churchill's Best Line - "(I might be battling you even though I'm toasted,) But tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you'll still be roasted!" - Amazing.
    Winston Churchill's Worst Line - "I should stuff you in a pram just so you can throw your toys out!" - Just doesn't do it for me.

    Theodore Roosevelt - 18.5/20 - WINNER!
    Winston Churchill - 18.25/20
    Beat - 8/10
    Costumes - 9.5/10
    Impressions - 9.5/10
    Visuals - 9/10

    Final Score - 72.75/80 or 90%

    I was a little iffy before, but after listening to it a couple times, I have to agree that this was fantastic. I know I'm easy to please, but this was such a step up from the previous four battles of the storm. I can't believe we only have FOUR measly pages in the discussion thread. This deserves more, in my opinion.

    Next is the REWF between Moon and LAWL, of this battle! How fitting.

    Juiz: You can quote me on this: Klonoa is my favorite son.

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