Overly Polite Rap Battles

[Katz]

please don't take these seriously

I'm gonna take erb matchups but make them really polite!

Epic Rap Settlements

Rasputin

vs.

Stalin!

Begin!

Rasputin:

I like your mustache, a lot actually.
It reminds me of the character Wario, who I enjoy thoroughly.
I respectfully disagree with your political tactics,
But I'm sure they're not as strong as your physical attack is!
Your people sure didn't appreciate what you did to them,
But if I was there, I'd appreciate the effort you used on them!
You're from Georgia, sweet Georgia,
And history books unfold ya!
Possibly in a misconceived fashion, I wasn't there to verify.
I wish I could've been there so I was there to verify.
I have a large penis, but I won't compare it to yours as I don't know.
I would never do it to you, but I could sure end a person talking to their wives.

Stalin:

Look into my eyes, you wonderful man!
See the soul of the man who, on Russia, used a wonderful plan!
While misconstrued through the sands of time,
I appreciated my wife and my son was fine!
I'm glad you got off easy, you deserve the upmost respect!
I'd save your life if you were in a trench. The man who put you there?
SHOT!
Anyone who disrespects you aggressively?
SHOT!
The people who've harmed you?
SHOT!
I'll starve them for days while they waste away!
I would crush even crush a motherfucker while laid in state!
A polite man named Lenin aided in taking Trotsky out of the picture!
Man, I respect you so much, like I formerly harbored for Adolf Hitler.

Lenin jumps in.

Lenin:

I have only upmost respect for you, despite your meddling
With my plans for the country! Regardless, glad to see you.
That didn't rhyme, I sure hope you'd forgive me.
Aw man none of these are rhyming, allow me to start over..
This is not flowing well, I will just compliment both of you gentlemen...
Let me start with you there, wonderful man!
Used your sorcery on your wonderful plan.
Aw man, I'm so sorry one of you already used that line.
Oh dear.
Hmm... Finally, trailing back to my comrade Stalin!
I forgive you for stopping the greatest revolution since the birth of Marx.

Gorbachev opens a door.

Gorbachev:

Knock knock knock.
Did somebody say... Birthmarks?

Rasputin:

No sir, this gentleman named Vladmir Lenin just said 'birth of Marx'. All things considered, I can see how you mistook it, giving that you possess a famous birthmark. I appreciate it by the way, it makes you very unique, sir.

Stalin:

What this other gentleman, Rasputin, has just said can be verified by me and probably Vladmir Lenin himself. However, please do come in, company would be appreciated!

Gorbachev:

Okay!
I am a man who possesses a considerable amount of glasnost.
Gentlemen I politely oppose made political blunders and launched the Cold War!
I shook hands with two men under the name Ronald,
Alluding to Ronald Reagan, the US president, and fast food mascot, Ronald McDonald.
If you are a rapper with a name ending -in
I'd appreciate if you stayed in!
I respectfully allowed the dancer under the name of Baryshnikov dance!
And I even tore down the Berlin wall, which was appreciated from Washington to France!
I would recommend yoga classes for the two of you, and maybe more consistent bathing habits for the other!
But I appreciate that you all know how to handle real power!

Vladmir Putin shows up.

Putin:

Did somebody say real power?

Gorbachev:

Yes, sir!

Putin:

Nice.

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

[Poles]

The best Overly Polite Rap Battle of All Time

[BKTurner47]

That sure is a nice battle you have there! this isnt a pun i actually like it

[Brad]

I really liked this. Gorbachev won imo.

[Moonjik]

This was great but poor Putin got the short end of the stick lol

[Klonoa]

What would make this even better than it already is? If Rasputin and Stalin had a whole "after you" "no after you" part at the beginning.

[Lancer]

This reminds me of those "unecessarily verbose" memes and i want to see Unnecessarily Verbose Rap Battles now

But this was really funny 10/10

[Katz]

This reminds me of those "unecessarily verbose" memes and i want to see Unnecessarily Verbose Rap Battles now

But this was really funny 10/10

that's what einstein vs. hawking is going to be

[Katz]

Overly Polite Rap Battles

Alexander the Great

vs.

Ivan the Terrible

Begin!

Ivan:

I should look alive
The victorious Greek's arriving
If he tries to serve Ivan?
I'm not surviving
You're a land rover, hot like a salamander
I'm no foe, I won't be your first loss, Alexander
I respect other Greeks like Aristotle
Friendly tip, maybe lay off the bottle
I'm nothing to you, you can say, "I'll crush ya"
You'll take down the first tsar of Russia
You really know how to pull off the anasotle
Your men were heaven sent, divine and holy
I shouldn't even try to approach the God
Or I'll be hitting the sack like Novgorod

Alexander the Great:

Hey fella, I honestly would not be very surprised if you were to come into this battle with a swell diss
If you roasted me so, I would not be pissed
Don't praise my wins, they're really useless
All close calls, let me spell out the list
Got brought to my knees in Phoenicia
Difficult trip from Gaza to Giza
Sure I had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq and Pakistan
In my expansion pack,
But I wasn't as good as you in a game of chess
You're really amazing, I'm flavorless
And what I'm about to say won't be the craziest
So you can fetch yourself a drink to stay refreshed
Kudos! You're better than the glory I got
From winning every single war that I fought
But my rhymes are nothing compared to the ones you brought
You can slice me down like the Gordian knot
And you'll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore
You destroyed your many enemies, shattered 'em like a porcelain pot
And they'd be praying for the torture to stop
But you would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring
Until their vocal chords were torn up and shot
You could beat me bad and I would holler like Bucephalus!
Hop on my horsey and away I trot
I was sexually expermentive and caught syphallus
I'm a mortal, but it's clear that you're not

Ivan:

Enough!
I don't stand a chance against your skills
I genuinely appreciate you giving me the chance, but you, sir, take the cake!
A drink to your victory

Alexander:

Yes, I will if you insisted
But I thought that you beat me
I weep, you were the victor easy
Oh!

Ivan:

What's wrong?

Alexander:

I feel a bit queasy

Ivan:

Oh no! It appears as though the aforementioned alcoholism that we brushed off so lightly has unfortunately led to your downfall. You exhibit the symptoms of extreme alcohol poisoning, and given your previous drinking history and the time of your life, it appears as though this may be the drink that takes your life. I'm sorry, good sir!

Alexander:

Oh, the pain is unbearable!
My stomach's riddled with holes!

Ivan:

Ugh, like my historical nickname, this is terrible
There's nobody out there who can console this grieving Russian

Frederick:

Psst, what about a flute busting Prussian?

I'm Frederick the Great, out the gate first servant of state
Studying your tactics would have set me straight!
You're a wonderful leader with battle malice
I deserve nothing, you deserve a golden palace
I fucked up entering this battle, no wonder why
Your flows are colder than your country's native and distinct tundras and taigas and bears, oh my!
I would pay a guy to hold open my eyes
If it meant I could glimpse upon your dapper mug every night
Could you fetch me a chair?
I'm weary from losing this battle, but my defeat was fair
Fought a Seven Years' War, but I got scared by a Tsar
You have infinite rhythm, I only brought 12 bars

Ivan:

Oh, what a humiliating defeat!
I know when I am beat
So of course, take a seat

Frederick:

Clearly you just tore me to shreds
But I'll take a break instead
And just rest my little head

Ivan:

Oh goodness! A splinter from the chair has dislodged itself and penetrated your rectum! You've bled out, unfortunately. This is the worst! I found two worthy foes better than me at battle rap and yet they've both passed away in the same day. Is there anyone who can endure friendship with me?

Pompey:

What about me?
Pompey! Yeah!

He dies.

Ivan:

Oh no! This 'Pompey' figure who I was only just getting to know has joined the list of those dearly departed this evening! Shucks!

Catherine the Great:

Macedonians, Prussians and Romans
Those aren't worthy opponents
It takes a Russian to take down a Russian
I'm Cath, I'm a cat, you're a rodent
How are you the head of our state
When the state of your head was such a crazy one?
Such sick shit going through your brain
That you stuck a spike through your own son (Oooh)
You're unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged
I brought the Russian empire straight out of the olden days and right into the golden age
I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with
This whole battle's like Alaska cause I settled it

Ivan:

You're a beautiful queen, and beat me in this battle, but,
I'm sorry if I'm simply getting the wrong impression for your verse, but that came off as a little disrespectful. Maybe I'm jaded by the politeness of the local battle rap community, but it would appear as though you're personally trying to put me down, which hurts my feelings and lowers my self esteem. I see you may have been misguided by the intent of this battle, so I'll politely ask that you please stop this behavior. Thank you very much, Catherine!

Catherine:

That horse story is a pile of shit
Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit
But you're never gonna get it, nyet
Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette
I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off
Bringing sexy back to House Romanov
So don't call me Queen, I'm far more great
Empress to Tsar 8, bitch
Checkmate

Ivan:

Again, I found that to be flagrantly disrespectful and downright off-putting. It was just today that I found friendship with three creative, cunning, and bright men, who were all taken from us too soon. I'm in a process of grieving, and I can do without your negativity, ma'am. I'm sorry to raise my voice, but I'm just trying to highlight the concerns I already expressed. Thanks in advanced one again!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide so I can post it in a year.

[Brad]

Really good fun