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Thread: Gli's ERBs

  1. #1

    Gli's ERBs

    Beat to help with pacing of the battle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0Hfp8fZmZE (obviously, not my own.)

    [0:00-0:10]
    Music

    [0:10-0:20]
    EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!
    VLAD III!
    VS!!
    ELIZABETH BÁTHORY!!!
    BEGIN!

    [0:20-1:00]
    Elizabeth Báthory:
    Halt. Čachtice out, I shall tell you how I'll win this.
    Spin this slaughter so fast they'll pen this new record into Guinness.
    They smothered your brother, then they snuffed out your father;
    now there's another to be devoured by a Hungary plotter.
    Like the men you've impaled I'm sure you have no balls.
    I mean you seeked refuge with your foes after they kept you in their walls.
    You Ottoman up; rule with an iron fist so you may win.
    Or the only iron you'll see is where your death will be maiden.
    I respect the body, Count, fucking over more nobles than Robin Hood.
    But I've screwed so many more virgins I make your Catholics look good.
    Now let's talk about how you killed, 'cause your methods are plain phallic, hun.
    No devoted holy man gives his shaft to men like this Wallachian.
    You're evidently a Romaniac, given all the blood you've fet us.
    But your raps are as soft as a head of Romaine lettuce.
    And as long as we're speaking of heads or those in control.
    You may have the heads rolling, but this head's on a roll.

    [1:00-1:32]
    Vlad III:
    Oh I'd certainly say you're on a roll, rather you must be inbred.
    More cancerous raps than Jigsaw with a bathroom twice as red.
    Call me Dracula--a dragon yeah? I'll Stoker fire with these raps.
    Normally I'd impale ya but there's already one huge stick up your ass.
    But I'll still raise the stakes; you know there'll be no missed stake.
    You'll have an epileptic fit from the brilliance I spake.
    I prefer a quicker death; bloody effective and it gets across the message.
    You're Hungarian Dexter but with a bigger gore fetish.
    Send your hubby to do battle, I'll surely put him to death.
    It looks to me I'll ruin yet another Erszébet! (Bet!​)
    Unlike your final living days my reign here is boundless.
    Because I'm the original Count; you're more the dis-countess.


    [1:32-1:53]
    Elizabeth Báthory:
    Yes, hmm, I'll dub you Vlad the Third-rate rapper.
    Țepeș' tepid piss flow as lukewarm as my bathwater.
    A Báthory held you up but this one will bring you down.
    A bitch to his captor shouldn't be wearing the crown.
    I've killed little girls with more bite, how sad for Dracula.
    Yes you've inspired that dreadful "Ah, ah, ah--vun vack rap" vernacular.
    And while I inspired Carmilla, I'll be sure to tell you straight:
    At least my husband's head didn't end up on Mehmed's plate.

    [1:53-2:34]
    Vlad III:
    Better a-head in my prime than to lose my damn mind.
    You're using Head & Shoulders, unconditionally toe-ing the line.
    Baby Báthory filled with baby batter, you were just thirteen?
    Then you start committing baby battery like some reject Disney queen.
    Sitting pretty nicking kiddies like they were tribute demands.
    I'll take a hammer to your heart, end you like your tribute band.
    My heads held up high, then all the nobles get frightened.
    Rhymes tighter than the itsy bitsy cell that this widow died in.
    A whole nation honors me, yours wish you'd never been born.
    Making the Ripper look like the Pope with all that torture porn.
    You've learned so many languages, from Greek to Latin;
    But humility, grace, or success; never learned one of 'em?
    Consider this your trial by fire upon a genuine vam-pyre.
    I've seen harder bars while imprisoned in the Ottoman Empire.
    That cold shoulder from your family, well surely that's a wrap.
    Even your hands are looking a little cold so I'll let you take a nap.

    [2:34 and beyond]
    WHO WON!?
    WHO'S NEXT!?
    YOU DECIDE!
    EPIC RAP BATTLES OF-!
    (logo gets skewered by stakes then crushed in an iron maiden)
    ...history...


    Watch Magical Girl Raising Project. Just do it.

  2. #2
    Brad's Avatar Super Moderator
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    Vlad won!


    Woah Mama:

    Spoiler: 




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