Presidential Reviews

[Clemi]

So I can only win a battle by writing as somebody else.

Fun.

I'll always be ahead of you m8651616846 :^ )

[Samos]

Could you pls review this? :3

Spoiler: 

Geralt-Round 1:
This isn't personal, just a contract from a man with a problem
Clever, just not really an insult.
Said there's a self-righteous monster terrorizing Gotham
A reference, but a pretty slight one, and it’s not enough to carry the line.
Let me slap some sense into you, you've probably forgotten
Funny reference, but probably the easiest joke you could’ve made with it.
Does your "one rule" not apply on the Joker and Robin?
This isn’t really much of a joke. Could’ve made for a better line.
You went bat-shit crazy because your parents died. Chill
This line is clever, and weaves references together nicely. Not really much of an insult though.
You can't lie to me, It's not for justice, but for the thrill
Kinda funny, not super clever.
I don't need Witcher's sense to figure out what you are, I'm not fooled by your charade
I gain pieces of your "superpower" after each contract, ha, I can toss away my silver blade
This is awesome. Doesn’t really flow well in my head though.
Score: 8.5/10

Batman-Round 1:
Dual swords were your only advantage, that was not very bright
You're no different from the mutants, thugs and mercenaries I fight every night
I respect your work, you save the people from vicious monsters
But taking money in exchange makes you a common mobster
These are all pretty generic insults.
I'm a symbol of hope, everlasting, I can't be destroyed. I am justice.
Reference without a joke.
You're a symbol of sleaze, consuming illegal substances, leaving people disgusted
Basic insult.
You think your grass tests are a match for the Demon Trials I went through?
Cool comparison line.
You're slowly killing yourself, but I don't have to save you.
Pretty good.
Score: 6.5/10

Geralt-Round 2:
Aardn't you a bit in over your head? You could never face that
Nice double reference.
My flow's like Bane, I'm lyrically breaking the bat
Eh, pretty obvious.
Selling a Batman trophy won't even fetch a Penny's worth
Nice one.
Batman & Robin? I'd rather watch a botchling giving birth
Not genius or anything, just funny.
How could you save me when you couldn't even save your girlfriend?
Kinda confusing, I don’t think Batman was planning on saving Geralt.
Batman is Forever, but this is Bruce Wayne's end
Clever, but it kind of boasts Batman a bit.
Score: 9/10

Batman-Round 2:
It's over, Witcher. I'm doing you a favour, your place is in Arkham
The “it’s over” thing is a pretty good reference, the Arkham part is kind of obvious.
Like your Hexer movie, you're best left forgotten
Cool reference.
Your spells are a Joke, I've seen better magic tricks
Kinda clever, wording at the end is a bit awkward.
There's nothing to plough in the Asylum, you'll be in quite the fix
Too soon after the last Arkham reference.
When I kick up my feet, put on the Wayne mask, grab a scotch
Don’t really see the point he’s making with this line.
And when I get Triss into bed, you'll have my permission to watch
Funny.
Score: 8.5/10

Overall: Lots of references and jokes in this battle, and when they come together it gets really good. Some of these lines are some of the more clever lines I’ve heard in FMERB. The main problem is that a lot of the references aren’t really jokes, or they don’t make a specific point that boasts or disses either of them. This was pretty good overall, I’d be proud of this one. 8/10

Geralt’s Worst Line: I don't need Witcher's sense to figure out what you are, I'm not fooled by your charade (Definitely not a bad line though)
Geralt’s Best Line: Selling a Batman trophy won't even fetch a Penny's worth
Batman’s Worst Line: I respect your work, you save the people from vicious monsters
Batman’s Best Line: You're slowly killing yourself, but I don't have to save you.

Final Results:
Geralt: 17.5/20
Batman: 15/20

Total Score: 40.5/50

[Turtlesauce]

Thanks a lot Sam :D I focused so much on making the first verse seem like Batman (looking at you ERb) that I forgot to actually diss Geralt.

Thanks for the review and tips, you da best

[FoolMeNever]

Review my Leon S. Kennedy vs. Van Helsing?

[Samos]

Aw, heck. Might as well get some feedback, hm? Do you mind reviewing my first rap battle, which I lovingly call "Hey look... I made a rap battle."? It's pretty easy to find. It's Corrin vs Robin. Thx!

Spoiler: 

Corrin-Round 1:
The premonitions you have won’t save you this time.
Kind of obvious, but also kind of clever.
You’ll be begging for my mercy at my dragon shrine.
Kind of a simple reference to the dragon shrine.
Just like Gunter at the bridge, I’ll knock you off the grid!
And you’re gonna fall harder than Emmeryn did!
These are some cool puns.
When you meet your defeat, your amnesia will repeat.
The wording of this doesn’t sound very threatening.
You could never kick my ass cause you have no feet!
This is pretty funny.
I’m a Dragon with a burning passion, I turn up the heat!
Pretty simple.
So go back to Ylisse and suck on some bear meat!
Funny, wording is kind of awkwards.
It’s your Fate to have Awakening discarded on a shelf,
Nice double reference.
Before me, your greatest foe was none other than yourself!
Feels kind of fact statey.
It’s not a question of If, it’s a matter of fact!
Nice pun.
You’ll lose here today, and no destiny can change that!
Good reference, though kind of the easiest joke you could make about it.
Score: 9/10

Robin-Round 1:
Yup, I have amnesia, you adopted cur.
I’m gonna try and forget how bad those raps of yours were!
Great comeback.
I’m the most well-versed rapper that’s under the sun.
This pun could kinda be used by a lot of people, so it doesn’t really feel unique for Robin.
You call that rapping? No, here’s how it’s done!
Predictable if you know the character, but pretty good nonetheless.
Why’d you ambition to fight against the tactician magician?
You’ll be wishin’ you were fishin’ for easier competition!
The flow is cool, the lines themselves are eh.
Now I’m bringing the Thunder, shocking you like Thoron!
Fairly simple references.
Come in, beat you, crush your towers like with Sauron!
This outside reference works pretty well for me.
Don’t try to stand up to me with two left feet.
There could’ve been a better two left feet joke than this.
I’ll come and burn you harder than a wyvern in heat!
Joke isn’t too clever, but this is a cool reference anyway.
I’m a matchmaker, too, with exceptional class.
And so Corrin, you may now kiss my ass.
Nice. I’m surprised I haven’t heard this joke in some form already.
Score: 8.5/10


Corrin-Round 2:
I am now free from my citadel with more skills than you could dream of
Fairly easy joke to make about “skills”.
I was forced to train my ass off, now I’m like a second Grima!
Could’ve been a better Grima joke.
I’ll tear through your body quicker than some seaweed in a store.
This is pretty funny.
I thought MY father was controlling. ...And then I met yours!
Your daddy found some bitch and did the No-no Cha-cha.
While rather clever, these dad insults aren’t really insults to Robin.
You were raised to be a puppet and to kill a Naga!
Feels fact-statey.
But you failed him, like how you failed at picking your lines.
Pretty basic joke about failing.
Then you killed him, like I did to this battle with my rhymes!
I think this line tries a bit too hard, doesn’t come off as very subtle.
Stepping in a Prince’s territory is an act of war!
You will die here today, as the son of a whore!
Two fairly simple lines.
This is my verse, My Castle, my win, and my game!
Not the worst “My Castle” reference you could make.
Do you not accept my judgement? Well, your outcome’s still the same!
Nice, pretty brutal.
Score: 7.5/10

Robin-Round 2:
This “win” that you claim is as obscure as your release date!
Funny, took me a second to get.
I’d paint a picture of your future, but it wouldn’t look great
Nice obscure reference.
Everything you’ve said to me was just a mere taunt!
You bitch, my hobby’s killing dragons whenever I want!
Your sibs have always lost you and your family’s a fake.
Mostly fact stating.
Your birth was a mere accident, ‘cause my game took the cake!
The wording on this line is pretty clever.
Since you invite friends to your room to make pornos all the time,
Unsheath your sword, Dragon Warrior, and grind for some Slime!
Funny, and clever, but not really insulting.
Screw your US release, I’ll just come over and seize.
‘Cause you ripped off a Narnia book, and made it Japanese!
Fairly clever reference.
Chrom, get Falchion. Make sure it’s well gripped,
Because this little dragon just got his scales tipped!
This line had to be done, and it was done pretty well here.
Score: 8.5/10

Overall: This is VERY strong for a first battle. I can tell you have the mindset of trying to use as many references as you can and making sure no stone gets overturned. Most of the references have pretty clever jokes about them too. My only real problem is that a few of the lines are a bit predictable and could go a bit deeper with the jokes. But this is really good. 8/10

Corrin’s Worst Line: You were raised to be a puppet and to kill a Naga!
Corrin’s Best Line: It’s not a question of If, it’s a matter of fact!
Robin’s Worst Line: Your sibs have always lost you and your family’s a fake.
Robin’s Best Line: (Yup, I have amnesia, you adopted cur.) I’m gonna try and forget how bad those raps of yours were!

Final Results:
Corrin: 16.5/20
Robin: 17/20

Total Score: 41.5/50

[Klonoa]

I... actually forgot I asked you to review that. ._.

Thanks for the feedback anyhow. And yeah, wording is my problem. It happens in my writing and it happens in my speaking. Stereotypical Asian with poor speaking skills. :D

[Samos]

Here's the fairly overdue review of the season finale. Next is Miru_Jaca's request that I review a Princess Rap Battle.

Spoiler: 

Beat:
Relevance-Stan Lee’s beat feels pretty actiony but still upbeat, it works. Henson’s just makes me happy, really fits the personality they gave him. Disney’s is kinda creepy and menacing, which may not fit the man but it definitely fits the character they made him here. 2.5/2.5
Catchiness-This beat sadly isn’t too memorable. At least not until the Disney part, there isn’t really a consistent tune, it’s mostly just sounds. 1.5/2.5
Intensity-Not really intense until Disney’s verse. It doesn’t ever really build, it feels just consistently OK. 1.5/2.5
Variety-There are enough different instruments for me. Especially with Disney’s beat. 2.5/2.5
Overall: Disney’s beat is great, fits him well and saves the score for this beat. Before that, this battle’s instrumentals are pretty forgettable. 8/10

Costumes:
Stan Lee-There’s really not much to complain about here. It’s fairly spot on from all angles. 1.5/1.5
Jim Henson-For young Henson, this is also pretty much perfect. The hair isn’t curved quite right but I can’t reasonably take off for that. 1.5/1.5
Walt Disney-They were right in the BTS, Sherwin does facially resemble Disney pretty well. Something keeps him from looking exactly like him, but I can’t pinpoint what it is so I can’t really fairly take off for it. 1.5/1.5
Extras: Kermit and the artists are fine, can’t complain. .5/.5

Impressions:
Stan Lee-It’s good, it’s just not exact, there are noticeable differences. The accent is fine, it’s just than Stan Lee’s voice is a bit more...growly? Just listen to them in sequence, you’ll see what I’m talking about. 1/1.5
Jim Henson-Reminds me a lot of Peter’s Bill Nye voice. He has the voice mannerisms right, it’s just a little bit exaggerated. I’m not going to be too hard on it though because I actually like this voice more than Jim Henson’s actual voice. 1/1.5
Kermit the Frog-Just because I need something to make this category a clean 5 points. This was definitely close enough for me to not take off points. .5/.5
Walt Disney-I can’t get any audio of Walt Disney yelling, so I don’t know what he’d sound like yelling, but it could’ve been this. Either way, I’m not taking off points because it seems like Disney in this battle overall is meant to be a personification of the company and not the actual person. 1.5/1.5

Stan Lee-Round 1:
Greetings, heroes! Stan Lee's here to battle!
It's the mind behind The Hulk against the geek beneath the Fraggles!
These are just references without real jokes. Aside from saying Jim Henson is “beneath” the Fraggles, which isn’t much.
I'm just your friendly neighborhood writer man with a secret identity of a super MC
This is pretty clever, and the visuals make it even better.
Whose raps are as dark as my shades; leave you squealing like "MEMEMEMEME!"
Two kind of simple but effective jokes.
You're in trouble now, Jimmy, you dirty old hippie!
Funny, not really at all clever though.
Your beard needs a little bit of snikt, damn skippy!
Again, visuals really help this joke out. The “damn skippy” part however seems like a stretch for a rhyme.
Heck, that face on your neck ain't sexy!
You're one part Sweetums, the other part Skeksis!
Pretty funny references.
Step up to Lee and you get your butt kicked!
Filler.
Your muppet Snuffleupagus stuff is bupkis!
The actual point of the line is kind of confusing, but the flow is really well written.
I broke Ferrigno and the Comics Code,
I really like the double meaning of “broke” here.
So keep your frog and pig show moving right along down the road!
Some pretty good subtle references in this.
Overall: Got some filler, and not every joke really hits, but there’s still a lot of good here. 9/10

Jim Henson-Round 1:
I’m glad you got that out. (That anger can clutter your mind.)
Just now got this by reading a reference guide. This is actually pretty clever, especially having it come out of Kermit’s mouth. My only problem is that it’s not really an insult or anything.
But you’re a creative man, Stanley (yeah), so let’s just leave it behind
‘Cause I can sense your tension, once the verbal fencing starts commencing,
There is no defense against the dents Jim Henson is dispensing
Very well done, and sound great with the soothing Henson voice.
And I’m clenching all your strings like you’re a puppet in suspension.
Pretty darn obvious, definitely not bad though.
Call your superhero friends in (Yeah, ‘cause you’re gonna need Avenging.)
Good line, my only problem is that it got me excited the Avengers were gonna show up no but i get why they did that and this is a good line
Let me mention, I’m impressed by all the vision that it took
For you to sign your name (on all of Jack Kirby’s comic books.)
Brutal.
Overall: Pretty strong lyrically, but some of the lines seem to just be there to build personality and aren’t super clever. 8.5/10

Stan Lee-Round 2:
Nice try, frogman, but Jack was a friend of mine! (THWIP!)
Cool references make a good line out of what should’ve been a pretty basic set up line.
That was a low blow, he did his own Thing, and now you’ve made it clobbering time!
Nice pun, surprised I wasn’t expecting something like it.
Oh, you taught children to count and spell,
Then you taught your own kids how to drop your wife harder than you flopped on SNL!
(Probably the most brutal line of the battle.)
I’m telling you, Henson! You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, I’m a Marvel of a party pooper!
Good references, not great or anything.
I’ll snap your turtleneck like a Doozer stick, and put you out to pasture like Mr. Hooper!
Even better references.
And I’m not going to review anything else from the next two verses because it doesn’t seem right to judge it on the same scale as the rest of the battle. They’re not supposed to be clever, they’re just supposed to be a tribute. So anyway, for Stan’s second verse before the tribute:
Overall: Near perfect, actually. Just a few little tweaks and this could’ve been a 10. 9.5/10

Walt Disney:
(M-I-C) I rock the mic properly!
(K-E-Y) Turning profits, I’ve got the key!
This is a pretty perfect way to introduce Disney.
I’m the Juggernaut of stacking knots unstoppably!
Clever reference.
The Disneyland-lord of your intellectual property!
This is an awesome pun.
So get back to work! That’s my dime you’re wasting!
I didn’t buy you for billions so you could play around debating!
Not super clever, but really funny, and creates this wonderful personality of Disney as this stereotypical douchey boss.
You belong to Disney, which means you stay busy!
Filler.
Cranking out magic and assembly line whimsey!
Again, not most clever, but I like how eerie this line is.
Artists begging me to stop; I won’t let ‘em!
Delivery is awesome. Line itself isn’t great, but I can’t get mad at it because it sets up the next line well.
Labor conditions in my shop? I don’t sweat ‘em!
Can’t believe I’ve never heard this pun before. It’s awesome.
I’m powerful enough to make a mouse gigantic!
Pretty clever.
With only 3 circles, I dominate the planet!
Fact statey.
Clearly, there’s nobody near me!
Really filler.
I’m owning this battle! In fact, I own this whole series!
Awesome fourth wall break.
So hop on my Steamboat, boys, but don’t rock it!
Probably the best Steamboat Willie reference you could make with this Disney character.
I’ll put a smile on your face, and green in your pocket!
Decent references.
You’ll be safe and insured, when you’re under my employ!
Now, look at it! Gaze upon my empire of joy!
Not a super strong finish, although it works with the visuals.
Overall: It’s close between a 9 and a 9.5. I’d probably just say screw it and give a 9.25 normally, but I need a winner, so I’ll be generous. Just lots of funny lines and nice references in this verse, even if this isn’t the Disney most of us were hoping for. 9.5/10

Ungraded Stuff:
Idea-Henson vs. Lee is a good idea, and Disney was a nice touch. I just have a few problems with the idea. The first being that Disney is kind of wasted here. He himself was a fascinating guy with lots of pros and cons to use against him, and making him into a personification of his company seems wrong. Second, while it’s close, I don’t think this is finale worthy in its whole. People want big for finales, and this isn’t much bigger than say Obama vs. Romney. Maybe if they’d never done a 3rd party before this would be fitting (Jobs vs. Gates was a perfect storm ender just because of how different it was for ERB at the time). It’s almost ERB worthy, but it’s not quite there for me, and would’ve probably done better in the middle of the storm (then with East vs. West as finale).
Presentation-This battle is awesome visually. Stan Lee and Disney both have some awesome effects. Henson doesn’t have too many cool effects, but Kermit is awesome and really well done. And the tribute part is pretty touching and genuine for ERB.

Overall: This is a great battle and a great video. Maybe not finale-worthy, and I’m personally kind of meh on the beat, but the lyrics are pretty much as good as ERB’s ever done. I could tell ERB really does care about these characters (well maybe not Disney) and that they put a lot of themselves into this battle. 8.5/10

Stan Lee’s Worst Line: Step up to Lee and you get your butt kicked.
Stan Lee’s Best Line: (Oh, you taught children to count and spell!) Then you taught your own kids how to drop your wife harder than you flopped on SNL!
Jim Henson’s Worst Line: But you’re a creative man, Stanley (yeah), so let’s just leave it behind.
Jim Henson’s Best Line: (Let me mention, I’m impressed by all the vision that it took) For you to sign your name (on all of Jack Kirby’s comic books.)
Walt Disney’s Worst Line: Clearly, there’s nobody near me!
Walt Disney’s Best Line: The Disneyland-lord of your intellectual property!

Final Results:
Stan Lee: 18.5/20
Jim Henson: 8.5/20 (equivalent to 17/20)
Walt Disney: 9.5/10 (equivalent to 19/20)

Total Score: 62/70

[Samos]

I was requested to do a Princess Rap Battle. I chose Mrs. Claus vs. Mary Poppins since it seemed like the one I wouldn't need to look up many references for.

Spoiler: 

Beat:
Relevance-It doesn’t fit either of them in a noticeable way with its instruments. It’s not extremely unfitting either though. 1/2.5
Catchiness-The main thing this beat has going for it. It’s not the catchiest beat I’ve ever heard, but it’s catchy enough. 2.5/2.5
Intensity-It’s not a boring beat, it just doesn’t get me very hyped. 1.5/2.5
Variety-There’s a bit more variety at the end, but for almost the entire first half it’s a constant loop that gets tired pretty quick. 1.5/2.5
Overall: Maybe the latest ERB beats have spoiled me, but this beat is pretty forgettable. Weaker than most of the ERB beats. 6.5/10

Costumes:
Mary Poppins-It’s practically perfect. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAno but really it looks fine 1.25/1.25
Mrs. Claus-Nothing really to complain about. 1.25/1.25
Bert-The guy doesn’t really resemble Dick Van Dyke facially. Clothes are all fine though. 1/1.25
Santa Claus-yeah 1.25/1.25
Impressions:
Mary Poppins-Frankly, the highlight of this battle. This is a spot on impression, especially the singing, which is REALLY impressive. 1.25/1.25
Mrs. Claus- 1.25/1.25
Bert-Not quite spot on, something’s wrong about it. Maybe the pitch or something, whatever it is it’s not a big deal. 1/1.25
Santa Claus- 1.25/1.25

Mary Poppins-Round 1:
When there’s a looming battle to be faced and fought, the lesson is: get right to it
The only real reference is the “lesson” part, which isn’t much.
Practically perfect people prefer to be polite, but sometimes you just have to say “screw it”
The alliteration works well, and this line is pretty funny.
You never get applause, you’re the dependent Claus
Never get applause is filler. “Dependent claus” is really clever.
You’re known for wrapping toys but my rapping skill destroys
I’ve heard this pun before.
I’m money in the Banks so show some respect
Decent pun.
If you tear me up like paper then I’ll resurrect
Nothing too special.
And I suspect you should check your cholesterol twice
Hey, fat cat, how are you at catching mice?
Generic fat jokes.
You’re like a piecrust, so easily smashed
Are piecrusts really easy to smash? Break, yeah, but smash I don’t know.
I’ll feed the birds what’s left of you once you’ve been trashed
Great reference.
I hear it’s been years since the North Pole got rigid
Today’s forecast says you’re entirely frigid
Not bad.
Score: 9/10

Mrs. Claus-Round 1:
Don’t go there, honey, the word around town
Is just a spoonful of sugar gets you to go down
Probably the best spoonful of sugar joke you could make.
The parrot on your parasol does nothing but protest (Hey!)
Basic insult.
You’re a stuck-up servant, ho-ho-horribly dressed
Not the best ho-ho-ho joke you could make.
The biggest charity since ever, we help the masses
With you a couple kids get splinters in their asses (Cheeky!)
Not really any references.
Your rhymes are weak - you’re a low stakes player
Filler.
Come at me, freak - I’ll one-horse open slay ya
Decent pun.
I’m behind the scenes, but that doesn’t mean I’m dumb
I run the workshop, keep the books, and advise my sugar plum
No jokes.
I’m a baker, all about these rolls, a big broad bruiser
Even your reflection thinks you’re a loser
I get that this is a reference to the scene in the movie with her reflection, but this seems like the most simple reflection joke to make.
Score: 7/10

Mary Poppins and Bert-Rest of the Battle:
Extemporized before your very eyes
Love to laugh at jolly guys I despise
I likes what I raps and I raps what I likes
‘cause damn right Van Dyke rocks these mics
Very impressive flow, but there’s not too many more references in these lines. Feels very Shakespeare-esque in that way.
You’re an icon of greed that’s perverted the season
You give coal to bad kids, Mary teaches ‘em reason, she’s
No jokes, just references.
Mary: Super classy, swagolistic, extremely ferocious
Mary & Bert: Super classy, swagolistic, extremely ferocious
Pretty good spin on Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Mary: I could do this whole verse backwards, but I truly feel
Good set up.
I’m through wasting my time, because you’re not even real
Lame payoff. There are much better “not real” jokes to make.

Mary: Please don’t act like you’re some kind of saint, Nick
Good set up.
Bert: Always spying on minors Mary & Bert: That’s jailbait, prick
ERB got to this joke first.

Mary: That’s quite enough of that, the winds have changed here
Let’s see how well you fly without your reindeer
Cool finisher/comparison.
Score: 7.5/10

Mrs. Claus and Santa-Rest of the Battle:
Fool, I’m real, and I’m spectacular
Not a great comeback.
This Dick can’t stick to an accent or vernacular
Funny, although there could’ve been better accent jokes.
Mrs. Claus: Your ugly carpet bag might impress a dunce
Santa: But my sack holds billions of presents at once
Kinda funny, feels a bit try-hardy.
The whole world counts down to December twenty-fourth
Winter is coming, I’m the “King in the North”
This is a cool reference.
Mrs. Claus: Drinking one Coke a year has made us rich
Not really a joke.
Santa: My list’s never wrong: it says you’re a bitch
A bit obvious, still pretty funny.

Mrs. Claus: This boring British wench needs a long winter’s nap
Pretty good threat.
Santa: You’ve been a naughty girl, shut up and sit on my lap
Again, funny, just not too clever.
Score: 8/10

Ungraded Stuff:
Idea-I’m not really into this match-up. Characters are all fine, and the thing with the chimneys is clever, but Mrs. Claus vs. Mary Poppins is a weird and random match-up, and the chimneys thing isn’t quite a strong enough connection for it.
Presentation-The effects for this are really good and pretty faithful to the original Mary Poppins movie. My only real problem is that the colors for this battle are kind of dull, which doesn’t really fit either of these characters well.

Overall: It’s great for a fanmade. Lyrics are kind of slow at parts, but there are some good zingers in here too. The main thing they get right that a lot of fanmades don’t is doing the characters justice. Well, maybe there’s not too much justice you can do Santa and Mrs. Claus, but you can tell they really wanted to please Mary Poppins fans, and I think they probably did that well. 8/10

Mary Poppins’ Worst Line: If you tear me up like paper then I’ll resurrect
Mary Poppins’ Best Line: You never get applause, you’re the dependent Claus
Mrs. Claus’ Worst Line: Your rhymes are weak - you’re a low stakes player
Mrs. Claus’ Best Line: (Don’t go there, honey, the word around town) Is just a spoonful of sugar gets you to go down
Bert’s Worst Line: You’re an icon of greed that’s perverted the season
Bert’s Best Line: I guess just his whole fast rap
Santa Claus’ Worst Line: Fool, I’m real, and I’m spectacular
Santa Claus’ Best Line: Winter is coming, I’m the “King in the North”

Final Results:
Mary Poppins and Bert: 16.5/20
Mrs. Claus and Santa Claus: 15.5/20

Total Score: 55.5/70

[Miru_Jaca]

Thank you very much for answering my request. :D

If you haven't seen any other Princess Rap Battle I suggest you do, they're pretty good (and getting better, I think the last two are way better than the first three). And I'd love it if you could review the rest of them, of course. xD

[Samos]

Sam, I want a LINE BY LINE review of Shaka Zulu vs The Beatles =P

Spoiler: 

Shaka Zulu:
Yo, I’m black but I’m not a bird
Reference, but not a boast or dis.
So you can all eat a bull turd
Generic.
My name translates to Intestinal Beetle Heaven
Fact statey.
Your name translates to nothing because it’s not a fucking word… Evan?
Feels like a desperate attempt at a line.
We didn’t have cars in South Africa then but I’ll crash into you with my COOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Slightly more clever than the rest of these lines.
When I fuck all your moms I’m like WOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Generic.
I spit poison like, literally
Obvious.
You spit love songs like, literally
Fact statey.
I’ll give you a club song, like, y’know, literally
Not a boast or dis.
and then your face will be bashed in and you’ll be ded, like, literally
Generic threat.
If my dick was yellow they’d call it a yellow submarine
Not a boast or a dis.
And I’d shoot Mean Mr. Mustards straight out of my peen
Also not a boast or a dis.
Imagine all the people
That could be sucking my dick right now, weeple
Also not a boast or a dis.
Zulu Warriors will KILL YOU
Generic threat.
Because that’s what they DO
Completley nnecessary.
Ringo, why don’t you Rin-go away
Slightly more clever than most of these lines.
Because you are probably GAY
Bad.
Paul, stop bang banging judges I say
Could make for a decent line if worded right.
The hammer’s no excuse that’s very GAY
Bad reference.
I’ll put my foot out and TRIP you in the middle of the DAY
The “in the middle of the day” part sounds dumb.
John, try not to beat me to near death, but you’re probably GAY
Generic insult.
George, I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s Something in the way
Not a boast or a dis.
You act that makes me think that you may be GAY
Generic.
You made a White Album. Why? BECAUSE YOU’RE PASTY ASS WHITE BOYS
Also could’ve made for a decent line but the way it’s worded sucks
You didn’t make a Black Album. Why? BECAUSE YOU’RE PASTY ASS WHITE BOYS!
This one is just bad.
Do you know how many times my half-bros tried to kill me? Like, 12
Feels like a self-dis.
What rhymes with 12
Sounds lazy.
I don’t English very much
Also feels like a self-dis.
I don’t like the Dutch
Unrelated to the battle.
I’ll charge chest first at you and smack you with my horns at the side
Not terrible, but these references could’ve made for way better jokes.
And then as a last resort I go for the loins, that’s not gay at all I swear
Throwing that last part at the end doesn’t help the line at all.
It’s an actual thing I do
Pointless.
Fighting with my balls
What?
I fought Sir William of Wallace once
Fact statey. Well not really fact but you know.
He kicked my ass you dunce
Why would Shaka bring this up in his verse
Why don’t we do it in the road?
Is this a sexual request?
We don’t have roads, you fuckign TOAD
Toad?
OH SHIT MY MOMMA JUST DIED
Not a boast or dis.
AND I TOTALLY CRIED
See above.
If you milk a cow I’ll KEEL YOU
Fa
If you get pregnant I’ll KEEL YOU
ct
If you grow food I’LL KEEL YOU
sta
If you aren’t sad I’LL KEEL YOU
tey
If your name is Sam I’LL KEEL YOU
I have nothing to do with these characters.
But that already applied even before my mother died
Not historically accurate.
I wrestled a bear once
I don’t think this is accurate.
Wait do they even have bears in Africa
Yeah, so why would you mention it
How do you rhyme?
Doesn’t belong in a rap battle.
I don’t exactly do it all the time
Even if you COME TOGETHER right NOW over ME
Not a terrible set up line.
I’ll just take you out to the club like my name was Clubby D
But this is not a good payoff.
Jahn Lenin getting KEELED by these raps #shotsfired
Heard this joke before.
I can’t think of anything that rhymes with fired
It’s not that hard.
If you have sex with Shaka, consider yourself FUCKED
Anyone could’ve used this line.
All Those Years Ago, you still SUCKED
Could’ve made for a better line if it was worded better.
So suck my dicktatorship
Bad pun.
Fuck that short chick Ryuujixthat blue haired chick was the best ship
Nothing to do with either of them
Ringo Wants to Be Santa Claus so that’d make him fat
Worded horribly
Paul McCartney has a song called Wonderful Christmastime and it isn’t that good
Generic insult and doesn’t rhyme
John Lennon has a song called Happy Xmas but it’s a Vietnam War thing or something
Not a real insult.
Who is George even
Way too obvious
I forgot how to rhyme, but I can still diss all of you
Self-dis.
Ya’ll are JEWS so I might as well say HEY JUDES
Not very clever wordplay.
Did I mention that I’m gonna kill YUUUUUUUUUU
Anyone could use this line.
That’s even more likely than the fact that Sam is a JEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Again, I have very little to do with these people.
My waifu is far better than your waifus
Has nothing to do with these rappers.
Especially Jahn’s, seriously why’d you let that bitch sing foo’
Not close to the best Yoko joke you could make.
Sinon’s MY Waifu so don’t touch her plz
This isn’t true.
As you can see I’m very protective of these kinds of things
Why does that matter?
And while I’m at it the ending of Highschool of the Dead sucked
That has nothing to do with these people either.
I mean, we still haven’t figured out the resolution to those two girls he fucked
^
And ugh, School Days don’t get me started
^
I could do far worse shit when I farted
^
But Steins; Gate I liked that one’s
^
But I wanted to see more of them after they found loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
^
And I know I’m supposed to rap against the Beatles
Yes, so do it.
But fucking Angel Beats really gave me the feels
Rap against the Beatles.
And fucking Dragon Ball Z I love that shit
^
Btw that new Death Battle was totes BULLSHIT
^
And how about that ending to White Album 2?
OK, now you’re at least back on focus.
It really reminded me that sam was a jew
Not a boast or a dis.
Wait there was also White Album the OG
And?
Oh wait you guys wrote that, oh shit I’m in a rap
Just changing courses in the middle of a line looks bad.
I’ll Beat-le all your asses yo
Not a very clever pun.
‘Cause I’m SHAKA ZULU mofos and I think all y’all moms are hoes
Replace Shaka Zulu with anyone’s name and anyone could use it.
There isn’t a crash into your car joke yet so I’ll crash into you with my- oh wait I already did that
Stop correcting yourself in the middle of your verse. Go back and erase if you make a mistake.
The Bull Horn can do what you African’t do WAT
Much better puns you could make with Africa than this.
Your moms are really fat I say “She’s So Heavy”
At least it’s a reference and a joke, just not a very good one.
*insert trippy guitar solo here*
Not a boast or dis.
I’ll send All My Loving to your moms
See what I said about the She’s So Heavy line.
When I’m Sixty Four I’ll still need YOUR MOMs
^
I think me going against you guys is proof that Ebony and Ivory
Set up.
Don’t actually live together in perfect harmony
Not a dis or insult.
Maybe I’m Amazed at how bad you all are
Most simple Maybe I’m Amazed joke you could make.
Why couldn’t the pirate watch the movie? It was rated ARRRRRRR
Pirates have nothing to do with this battle.
Yo Paul, the only thing you done was Yesterday
Not clever.
And since you’ve gone you’re just Another Day

All the people around have enough of Silly Love Songs, I look around me and I see it is so
Could’ve made for a much better joke.
I’ve got FourFiveSeconds to let you know that you, like, totally blow
^
You have a song named Junk because your songs are Junk BITCH
Kind of close to a good line, but really needs to be worded better.
and with that I’ll tell you you can suck my Long and Winding DICK
Why is the dick winding?
Score: 1/20

Next Few Verses:
The Beatles:
Life is very short and there’s no tiiiiiiimmmmmmmeeeeeeeee
Just a reference without a joke.
For fussing and fighting my friend
Doesn’t work well in a rap battle.

Tahm Yark:
Why won’t you quiet downnnnnnnnnn
Not a reference.
*gets lynched*

Eyesack Brick:
Well the universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you’re going straight along you’re bound to end up where you were
Not a boast or dis.
And you’ll float on or something
What exactly does this mean?
I showed your mom my ding
Not clever.
Let’s lynch sam
Stop bringing me into this

Gandhi:
Let us all stop this foolish fighting and have a massive orgy instead
Has nothing to do with any of these rappers aside from that Gandhi doesn’t like fighting.
Score: 1.5/10

A Dung Beetle:
Yo, I’m rolling in but yet it’s you guys with the bullshit
Obvious pun.
Shaka you went cray-cray just to die and let your empire fall to some dumb brits
Generic insult.
I follow the Milky Way, your head follow your mum to her fate
Dung beetles follow the milky way?
Now you’re killing farmers for going on THEIR Milky Way and other mums ‘cause they procreate
Fact statey
Yes I roll a giant ball of poo, it’s true
Could make for a good set up.
But bros, you’re not supposed to do that when you make music dudes
Describing their music making as “rolling a giant ball of poo” is kind of confusing and not really witty.
Why don’t you ask the Egyptians if a beetle’s bigger than Jesus pricks
Egyptians had their own gods.
You’re just a 60’s One Direction with 80 year old fangirls riding on your dicks
There could’ve been a clever joke maybe that did something with the “60s” and “80”, but this doesn’t do much with that.
And the rest of you guys I don’t know what to say about you
Could be used in any battle.
But if you’re anything like Sam then you probably suck and are all JEWSSSSS
I think I’ve explained multiple times in this battle while referencing me alone doesn’t work.
Score: 2/10

Overall: At least there’s a lot of references. 1.5/10

Total Score: 6/50