Radiohead:
You don’t belong here, so we’ll put you in your right place.
Lots of little tidbits in this line, nice.
Raps sweet as Pablo Honey, let’s give you all a little taste.
Good lyrical reference.
Spitting sick on this mic like with myxomatosis.
More simple than a lot of these lines but still pretty good.
Blow your mind out and scatter your brains like you’re driving a Lotus.
The Tara Browne reference is kind of stretchy. If he was shot in the head driving a Lotus it’d make a bit more sense.
You better run for your life, Paul, because our band’s running amok.
Nice triple reference.
You might as well just give up, Ghost, you’re out of your little luck.
The Ghost thing is a good reference, maybe a bit of a stretch to call Paul ghost but nothing too major.
Don’t step to us, John, we’ll stomp you out 15 times with our old brown shoes
Good.
We’re sure you wish you were bulletproof with all of the shots fired at you.
Also more simple than most of these lines, which is fine, still a good line.
George, we’ll let you down and leave you flat, leave us and don’t bother.
Anyone can play guitar, but ours blows this horse out of the water.
Both of these lines are complex and well written.
(How’d these guys make their millions.) Don’t ask me why, I don’t know.
This line is more complex than it sounds, which is good.
Do yourselves a favour, pack your bags, and Rin-go home.
The Ringo pun is a bit too obvious for me. The Please Please Me reference helps though.
Oh come on, you suckers aren’t even bloody prepared.
Also a little more complex than it sounds.
We’re mopping the floor up with your Hitler hair.
Funny.
(Oh.) We can find better things to do, let’s leave these pussies alone.
The pussies pun would be a bit of an eyeroll, but the plot makes it make more sense.
And with that, we’re done burning you losers, (these bluebirds have flown.)
Very impressive fitting of all these references in without it seeming cramped.
Score: 9.5/10
Ringo Starr:
Awful? I’m the one thing telling you apart from One Direction!
It’s better than average fanmade lines, not quite as clever as the average line in this battle. Works alright as an opener though.
I rap naturally on tracks like I was Thomas the Tank Engine!
Probably not the most complex Thomas the Tank Engine line, but I’m just glad it was referenced.
From my hair to the feet down below my knees, ain’t I perfection?
Pretty good boast.
Hell, feel free as a bird to make a film of your Erection!
This is awesome. Maybe you could’ve made a joke about his movie Erection being a “short film”, but I’m not sure if that would’ve fit in here.
Better than the Best, it’ll be easy for me to leave you all Beat!
Both jokes in this work well together.
I’m a beautiful boy, you’re bigger failures than the Apple Boutique!
Putting this together with the beautiful boy reference makes this pretty good.
I’m fly as wings, my raps will leave you unable to speak!
It almost works perfectly, the “unable to speak” part just sounds kinda weird and stretchy.
You’re nothing but junk, wankers, you’re just like fan mail to me!
Nice personal reference.
Call me a hurricane, ‘cause I’m taking this battle by storm
Good.
Weed arrests are a huge no no, boys, let me show you the door!
Clever and funny.
Got the flow to rain on your parade, I’m miles above all the people,
Also great reference weaving.
Plant you like a tree, take your life away like an infestation of beetles!
Great reference, wording is a little weird but it works in the Take It Away reference so I can’t really get mad.
I’ll own you here, there, anywhere, so why don’t we do it in the road?
These references go well together.
From Penny Lane to Abbey, you can suck my long and winding chode!
”Long and winding chode” is sort of TJB humorish, which works fine since it has the references to Penny Lane and Abbey and encorporates them well.
I’m an All-Starr, I’m the greatest, always putting on a great show,
Not too many jokes about these references, but it’s good for a set up.
And if you don’t believe me, just ask your mothers, they should know!
One of the best mother jokes I’ve heard in a fanmade.
Score: 9.5/10
John Lennon:
Ye fuckin’ twat, I never had my mother and I know you didn’t either!
Good comeback.
Got a schnoz that big but still a jealous, tight a$$, mouth breather!
The nose joke wouldn’t have been quite good enough on its own, so it’s good the song references are in here too.
You’re over! I’ll be telling every one around how I won this war!
Good.
I’m colder! Shame this turkey’s album responses were lukewarm!
The I’m colder thing flows pretty well in my head with the last line’s “you’re over”. I’m not sure if that was the intent or not though. Line is also good.
Call yourself the greatest? Whatever helps you sleep thru the night.
Kind of an easy reference to “whatever gets you thru the night”, but still funny. Especially knowing Lennon wrote that song.
Left-wing raps’ll burn this Nicol back to the ground, (damn right!)
Good references.
Throwing shade, your fake plastic love songs are silly!
The throwing shade reference is kind of too specific to hold the line up, which is why the plastic love songs reference helps the line out.
So suck MY dick, Dick, let me take you down to Meat City!
Another good comeback.
I’ll leave you squealing like your wife singing and let you nap in the dirt!
I think the joke would’ve made a better initial impact if he directly called Paul’s wife a pig. Still good though.
Score: 10/10
Paul McCartney:
We shouldn’t have beef, give peace a chance and stop being jerks!
This is really great.
Paul MC ain’t C Moon with short-sighted hypocrite L7s!
The C Moon part especially I like in this line, though it’s got a lot of good references on its own.
Amazing, maybe, how people can follow a man with no direction!
Pretty good follow up on Lennon’s hypocrisy.
Understand someday you need to try and get over yourself one of these days,
I get that you wanted to do a whole thing with repeating day a lot, but since “someday” and “one of these days” have the same meaning and are used in the same context, it sounds a bit awkward and redundant reading it. Song references are still good.
Losing like another day in your weekend, this rap game’s easy to play!
The Yesterday reference works really well with the rest of the “days”.
I’m on fire, I’m the man, I’d recommend you start running and don’t stop,
Good way of referencing The Fireman.
So make like a seagull and fly away, Lenny, or just suck my great cock!
Yet another clever dick joke. The Lenny thing is also pretty clever.
Don’t even try, try, try, your raps are nothing, they belong in Nutopia!
Good Nutopia reference.
Everybody out there’s ready for my next big hit: Pimp Slappin’ the Both of Ya!
I like this pun.
And George, before you say what you feel, beware of this beautiful knight!
Pretty good reference to the knighting.
Don’t even care anymore, try me, I’d be thrilled to punch out your damn lights!
Good references and good termination of Paul’s increasing anger.
Score: 9.75/10
George Harrison:
My sweet lord, we aren’t going anywhere with fussing and debating,
Really good opener, sets the tone.
Let’s come together and shatter the competition like our Ed Sullivan ratings!
Nice song reference and real life reference.
Let this pass, we’ve been through thick and thin together all of these years
Good way to inject some more Harrison into this verse, almost seemed like he was getting less attention than the others.
Give me peace on Earth, your arguing’s like One Direction to my ears!
This is a pretty perfect way to set up 1D.
Score: 10/10
One Direction:
Oh, I’m sorry, we can’t hear your criticism from the top of the charts!
I’m going to have to score this on a different scale from the rest of the battle I guess. This line is funny. Definitely not as clever as the rest of the lines, which is intended.
Attack you and steal this battle like we stole teenage girls’ hearts!
Good song reference.
We’re something great, you must be inZayn if you think you can match our Style!
You can’t stand this Payne, we spit flow on this mic just like the Niall!
All kinda clever and kinda try-hardy, which is what you were intending.
Oh, and speaking of birds, we’ll give you that and not take it back!
The bird lines were a bit too long ago to say “speaking of”.
You’ve never loved your stomach or your thighs, because you’re all FAT!
The most obvious joke you could make about that line. But it is funny.
We’ll light you up like we light up the world, send you leaving in one direction!
Good reference to their most famous song.
That’s right, we’ll send all ya’ll packin’ like Ringo in the White Album sessions!
This is a cool real life reference.
You’re clearly outmatched, we’ve got, like, 20 fucking writers on our side!
Reminds me a lot of Michael Bay’s sequel line, which is a good thing in this context.
We’ll steal your girls and have a bed-in with them, give em a ticket to ride!
This is pretty clever actually. Almost feels out of place.
Ya’ll talk about dick-suckin’ so much, why don’t you suck deez 1D Ds?
Pretty not clever, just funny.
You dorks are clearly going to lose against the greatest band you’ve ever-
Decent song reference.
Score: 9.5/10
Overall: So as you can probably tell, I had to be pretty anal for this review in order to be at all constructive. Aside from some weird little wording things here and there, this is a perfect battle, and I wouldn’t hesitate at all to call it the best fanmade I’ve read on this site. In fact, I doubt it’ll ever be topped. 9.75/10
Radiohead’s Worst Line: Blow your mind out and scatter your brains like you’re driving a Lotus.
Radiohead’s Best Line: (How’d these guys make their millions.) Don’t ask me why, I don’t know.
Ringo Starr’s Worst Line: I’m fly as wings, my raps will leave you unable to speak!
Ringo Starr’s Best Line: And if you don’t believe me, just ask your mothers, they should know!
John Lennon’s Best Line: Got a schnoz that big but still a jealous, tight a$$, mouth breather!
Paul McCartney’s Worst Line: Understand someday you need to try and get over yourself one of these days,
Paul McCartney’s Best Line: Everybody out there’s ready for my next big hit: Pimp Slappin’ the Both of Ya!
George Harrison’s Best Line: Give me peace on Earth, your arguing’s like One Direction to my ears!
One Direction’s Worst Line: Ya’ll talk about dick-suckin’ so much, why don’t you suck deez 1D Ds?
One Direction’s Best Line: You’re clearly outmatched, we’ve got, like, 20 fucking writers on our side!
Final Results:
Radiohead: 9.5/10
Ringo Starr: 9.5/10
John Lennon: 10/10
Paul McCartney: 9.75/10
George Harrison: 10/10
One Direction: 9.5/10
Total Score: 68/70
Tao of Blue
Originally Posted by Poles
Spoiler:
Bon Vivant of Violet
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