Beat:
Relevance-No issues here. It’s intense and hardcore, and as soon as it started playing I thought “Oh man this battle is going to be big”. And Frederick’s part fits the personality they crafted for him in this battle. 2.5/2.5
Catchiness-Ehh, the only really catchy part is the flute solo, which doesn’t even accompany any lines. The rest of it barely has a tune. Catherine’s part is catchy but only because she’s singing her lines in a cool tune. 1.25/2.5
Intensity-It has a build and a payoff and it definitely feels like a real clash of the titans. 2.5/2.5
Variety-Frederick’s beat is a good mix-up, but otherwise, this beat does get kind of boring. I kind of got sick of it when it came back during Catherine’s part. 2/2.5
Overall: There’s definitely a lot to like, but it’s just slightly boring after a while. 8.25/10
Costumes:
Ivan the Terrible-It’s perfect. I always thought Lloyd would be Ivan for some reason (probably because I saw Peter as Alexander) but Peter looks great here. I think anyone would, really, with all those clothes and the beard you could get anyone to look like Ivan the Terrible. 1/1
Alexander the Great-We don’t totally know what he looked like, but from sculptures and paintings he probably had a big Jew nose, which Sherwin has. He looks fine too. 1/1
Frederick the Great-The makeup is a nice subtle touch, and the costume looks fine. No issues here either. 1/1
Catherine the Great-Well cast for sure, she’s got the right face for Catherine. We actually do have pretty good, accurate looking paintings of Catherine, and it looks like they got it pretty good here. And costume is awesome too. 1/1
Extras-Betette looks Pompey enough, and the Russian dancers are Russian dancers. This one was kinda hard to screw up costume-wise, and so they didn’t. 1/1
Impressions:
Ivan the Terrible-Peter’s Ivan voice is really cool and villain-y. I like Peter as villains a lot. 1.25/1.25
Alexander the Great-There is such a thing as a Greek accent. I’ve heard my Greek friends make fun of it and impersonate it. I’d love to see ERB attempt it some day. I’m getting real funky with the scores here but screw it my reviews my rules 1.125/1.25
Frederick the Great-I would’ve liked a German accent maybe, Lloyd’s done it before, but I really like the voice he kinda gave Frederick anyway so I’m cool with it. 1.25/1.25
Catherine the Great-Russian accent would be cool. Actually, Russian-style singing would’ve been awesome. Instead she sounds really poppy, and don’t get me wrong she’s got a beautiful voice, but they could’ve gone a different direction that I would’ve liked more. 1.125/1.25
Ivan the Terrible:
Round 1:
Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving!
Great boast.
Try to serve Ivan: no surviving!
A little simple but a great pun nonetheless.
You're a land rover; I'm a land expander
This is really clever, the more I think about it.
Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander!
Could’ve been a much more clever “first loss” joke.
I'll school you like Aristotle!
Good.
Smack you harder than you hit that bottle!
This could be used against a LOT of people.
You're nothing but an overrated lush; I'll crush ya!
Generic insult.
I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia!
Generic boast. Though the visual cameos turn it into a bit of an ERB reference which is decent.
You're an asshole with an anastole!
Very simple but I think it’s really funny for some reason.
I'm heaven-sent, divine and holy!
Generic.
So don't even try to approach the God,
Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod!
lolol good
Verse Overview: Not every line is great, but this is a great verse all things considered. Lots of cool, subtle lines and fun puns. Somewhere between a 9 or 9.25.
Overall: 18.25/20
Alexander the Great:
Hey fella! Swell diss!
boo
But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed.
I really like this wordplay.
Stepping up’s foolish as well as useless,
Before anyone says anything YES I KNOW THIS VERSE IS MORE ABOUT FLOW THAN REFERENCES that doesn’t mean it’s all clever. I’m going to judge each line individually on whether or not it is clever and required thought and effort to write. That doesn’t mean every line has to stand on its own as great, but it has to be at least a little clever to get full points.
Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list
I like Little Vasilyevich a lot.
I brought foes to their knees in Phonecia
I kinda like how Zach handles these next few lines. He manages to make small little puns throughout all this country listing and I think it’s a good mix of flow and reference.
Breezed through Gaza to Giza
Eh, wish he had thrown something in here, although “Gaza to Giza” is a little clever.
Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq
I like “Had the Balkans”.
And Pakistan in my expansion pack
He also really cleverly divides the line split here to fit one small pun into both lines.
While you died in the middle of a game of chess!
Genius has a really cool explanation for this line and the game Age of Empires II that I hope is what ERB intended. There could’ve been a better chess joke, but this is fine. It makes use of the reference sufficiently.
You got vodka bars; flavorless!
Pretty good.
And what I’m ‘bout to spit will be the craziest
Filler.
So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed!
Cool foreshadowing, and a pretty good line to boot.
Kudos! Greek for the glory I got
For winning every single war that I fought!
Not really a joke aside from that Kudos is a Greek word. Weak.
So this’ll be straightforward, I’ll take forth this sword that I got
And I’ll slice you in half like the Gordian knot
On its own the line isn’t great and could’ve been handled better , but I have to give partial credit for the rhyme scheme with the “or...ot” that’s been subtlely kept up for the past four lines (and partially continues into the next line).
And I’ll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore
As I swatted my many enemies; shattered ‘em like a porcelain pot
Cool, small references thrown into this crazy flow. Also these two lines are probably the best sounding part of the battle for me.
And they’d be praying for the torture to stop
No jokes in this line, it basically doesn’t need to be here aside from providing a little flow break.
But I would leave ‘em contorted and they’d be screaming and roaring
Until their vocal cords were torn up and shot!
No references, and the flow doesn’t really do anything too clever either.
And I would holler “Bucephalus!”, hop on my horsey, and trot!
I would’ve preferred a Buce-phallus joke. This feels more like a mention than a proper usage of a reference.
I win, Ivan; I vanquish! I’m an immortal; you’re not!
I like the puns in the first half of the line and the foreshadowing in the second half.
Verse Overview: Hard verse to judge, but the way I calculated it adds up to the equal of 9 really strong, clever lines (it’s more like 11 or 12 but a handful of them are only slightly above average so I kinda did a weird match thing eh it’s complicated trust me). Which is pretty good, but there are still a few parts that seem a little rushed lyrically that maybe could’ve used some sort of subtle joke with a little more time.
Overall: 17.25/20
Dialogue:
Enough! I don’t stand a chance against your skills
So basically I’m counting this as part of the BATTLE’s score, but not part of any individual rapper’s score. Anyway this line is filler.
на здоровье! A drink to your victory! Yes, I will.
The Russian bit is good, and clever considering it means “Good health” which is the opposite of what Ivan’s about to give him. Nice one.
It seems no one can defeat me. I weep; it’s all so easy!
Nice subtle reference to a famous quote.
What’s wrong? I feel a bit...queasy.
Lacking in reference.
Ha! You’ve been poisoned! Oh, the pain is unbearable!
Explanation without any joke
My stomach’s riddled with holes! Ugh, I’m terrible.
I love the delivery.
There’s no great who could defeat this Russian!
This line sounds kinda awkward for the moment, since the premise of the battle hasn’t been fully explored yet. However, the visuals here are a really clever reference to a movie about Ivan the Terrible by Sergei Eisenstein that I have to give points for.
Oh, what a humiliating defeat!
No reference, but I love the delivery of this. It’s so obviously fake.
I know when I am beat, so of course, take a seat!
This is kind of an awkward transition. Why does he want Frederick to take a seat?
I’d keep ripping you to shreds, but I’ll take a break instead
And just rest my little head. Why don’t you drop dead, Fred?!
I like this little reference.
Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher.
But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire.
Funny.
It’s another great day and another great victory
I love the little dance
‘Cause no great can beat me! What about me, Pompey? YEAH
The Pompey reference is hilarious and well done.
Verse Overview: It’s not perfect, but I think this storytelling is done pretty well. Lots of jokes and little references scattered throughout making what should be a necessary evil (storytelly lines) pretty entertaining.
Overall: 18.25/20
Frederick the Great:
Psst! What about a flute-busting Prussian?
”Flute busting” is funny.
I’m Frederick the Great! Out the gate, first servant of state!
Nice Brandenburg Gate reference.
Oblique attack tactics ain’t exactly straight!
AAAAAH THE DOUBLE MEANING IS BEAUTIFUL
I’ve got creative talents and battle malice!
Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace!
No real jokes in either of these lines.
Russia’s fucked up, but no wonder why!
With your taigas and tundras and bears! Oh my!
I love Wizard of Oz references in most contexts. And this is a pretty clever pun anyway.
I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes
If I had to look at your troll face every night!
Delivery’s great, joke is pretty great too.
Now bring me my chair!
I’m weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square
Flow is cool, the Red Square reference is pretty good.
Fought a Seven Years’ War; I ain’t scared of a tsar!
I didn’t get the connection between these two clauses until I looked it up, but it’s pretty good and relevant to Ivan.
‘Cause beating you only took me twelve bars!
OK. Not brilliant but it works.
Verse Overview: Very strong verse. Lots of references, funny jokes, and I think it’s just a little more consistent than the other verses in this battle so far. Barely.
Overall: 18.25/20
Catherine the Great:
Round 1:
Macedonians, Prussians and Romans; those aren’t worthy opponents
It takes a Russian to take down a Russian. I’m Cat; I’m a cat; you’re a rodent!
Good way of introducing herself into the battle. And I like the cat-rodent pun.
How are you the head of our state when the state of your head was such a crazy one?
Nice pun.
Such sick shit going through your brain that you stuck a spike through your own son’s!
I like the alliteration and reference here.
You’re unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged!
Nice pun.
I brought the Russian empire straight out the olden days and right into the golden age!
This one is a little weak for me. Only real “joke” is the olden-golden wordplay, which isn’t much.
I’m the boss bitch that you just can’t meddle with!
Filler.
This whole battle’s like Alaska ‘cause I settled it!
Works as a finisher.
Verse Overview: 9.25 probably. Pretty much every other line is strong.
Round 2:
That horse story is a pile of shit
Really clever way of referencing the fact that this method of death has been proven false.
Though I do keep ‘em chomping at the bit
This is a great boast.
But you’re never gonna get it, nyet
The reference here is really random and irrelevant to the rappers.
Couldn’t spit in my chamber if this were Russian roulette!
This is a great reference.
I’m picking up where Peter the Great left off
Could’ve gone more clever with this reference.
Bringing sexy back to House Romanov
This is funny. Apparently she liked to decorate House Romanov with a bunch of penises and sexual objects.
So don’t call me Queen, I’m far more great
Empress to Tsar 8, bitch, checkmate!
Now THIS is how you make use of the chess reference. And I also think it’s really clever how the battle ends with a reference to Ivan’s death, considering what’s happened in the battle so far.
Verse Overview: Also a 9.25 probably. There are some weak lines in the middle but most of it is great.
Overall: 18.5/20
Ungraded Stuff:
Idea-Alex the Great vs. Ivan the Terrible was always a really cool idea on its own, so no issues with the initial match-up. And I’m glad it started that way since Alex is the most famous “the Great” by far. The rest of the characters probably aren’t the FIRST people I would’ve picked for this battle, but I can see why they did it. It’s really brilliantly executed in my opinion.
Presentation-The Russian cameos are awesome, the “action scenes” are really well done and have a cool atmosphere, and the Russian dancers in Catherine’s verse are completely unnecessary and don’t really add anything to the battle but they’re cool anyway. I guess Cat’s verse would’ve been a little boring visually otherwise.
Overall Battle: Very very good battle. Lyrics are as good as ever, and there’s a lot more of a comedic impact in this battle than I would’ve expected from such a historyish match-up. The beat’s passable, the costumes are perfect, there’s very little to dislike from this battle aside from a few filler lines. I’d also like to give it props for doing storytelling really well, kinda like Romeo and Juliet did. I’m not going to give a score for this category anymore because it doesn’t really make sense to have an overall score inside of an overall score.
Ivan the Terrible’s Worst Line: I'm heaven-sent, divine and holy!
Boring and pointless.
Ivan the Terrible’s Best Line: Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod!
Best use of any reference in the battle. I love crem de la Kremlin, but it’s not as specific of a reference as this one. Honorable mentions are land rover, anastole, and crem de la Kremlin.
Alexander the Great’s Worst Line: Hey fella! Swell diss!
Can’t you just do something with this Zach
Alexander the Great’s Best Line: While you died in the middle of a game of chess!
This verse doesn’t have a lot of GREAT lines (ironically), but this one I guess is a pretty good use of the reference. Even though Cat does the chess reference much better later on. Honorable mentions (though not super honorable) are Panhellenist, Gordian knot, and the last line of the verse.
Frederick the Great’s Worst Line: I’ve got creative talents and battle malice!
Very basic boast with no really specific references.
Frederick the Great’s Best Line: With your taigas and tundras and bears! Oh my!
This one was just the funniest for me. Honorable mentions are oblique attack tactics, and tear out my eyes.
Catherine the Great’s Worst Line: I’m the boss bitch that you just can’t meddle with!
Generic.
Catherine the Great’s Best Line: Empress to Tsar 8, bitch, checkmate!
Great line on its own, and aided by the way the rest of this battle is set up. Honorable mentions are head of our state, unbalanced, chomping at the bit, and Russian roulette.
Winner: Catherine the Great (18.5/20) over Frederick the Great (18.25/20), Ivan the Terrible (18.25/20) and Alexander the Great (17.25/20)
Total Score: 108.25/120 (equivalent to 63.291667/70 because fuck trying to keep multiples of 0.25 anymore)
Originally Posted by PolarBore*
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