Presidential Reviews

[Samos]

Shaka vs. Caesar time.

Spoiler: 

Beat:
Relevance-I think it fits both of them very well. Maybe Caesar just a little more than Shaka excluding the African drums. Sounds very empire-esque. 2.5/2.5
Catchiness-There’s not too much of a memorable tune to this battle, yet it still manages to stick with you. I don’t know why, really. 2/2.5
Intensity-I got hyped up on like, the first note. 2.5/2.5
Variety-It doesn’t really develop much from beginning to end, but there’s definitely more than enough instrumental variety to keep it interesting throughout the whole thing. 2.5/2.5
Overall: Really reminds me a lot of the Zeus vs. Thor beat, which is a good thing. I guess I’m giving it the same score. 9.5/10

Costumes:
Shaka Zulu-There are some things to nitpick about, sure, but I don’t think there’s anything big enough to take off points. 2/2
Julius Caesar-Definitely looks like the sculptures of him, from the hair to the weird make-up, which I kind of thought was annoying at first but I got over it. 2/2
Extras: The soldiers all look really cool. Costumes have perfect colors and details, weapons all look right, all is well. 1/1

Voices:
Shaka Zulu-He’s got a slight African accent, and that’s really all you need. Destorm has a cool voice, so I’m glad they didn’t make it so thick that he didn’t sound like himself anymore. 2.5/2.5
Julius Caesar-I was not expecting this at all, but I thoroughly enjoyed this villainous Jeremy Irons-esque voice. It really does fit Caesar, since he kinda wanted to take over the world and stuff. 2.5/2.5

Shaka Zulu-Round 1:
Iwisa, meet Caesar; he's a commander
This is a pretty cool way of saying “Say hello to my little friend”. Helps that Iwisa rhymes with Caesar.
Who thinks he can dance with Conan of the Savanna,
Eh, kind of a random reference.
But when I go hand-to-hand with you, I go hammer!
Decent parody of going HAM rap cliche, but not brilliant.
Knock off his dome, wrap it up in his own banner!
Pretty clever historical reference.
Send it back to Rome with a message from the Zulu!
If you battle Shaka, this what happen to you!
Sounds cool, not that clever otherwise.
If you cross that Equator, you'll head straight into a massacre,
I thought this was a pretty great way of dissing Caesar for never making it over the equator.
And get fucked by more than just Cleopatra in Africa!
Definitely funny, if a bit obvious. Although if we’re going by ERB canon Cleopatra isn’t exactly something Caesar should be mocked for
Overall: It’s got some clever subtle historical references, and some strong “oooh” lines at the end. 9/10

Julius Caesar-Round 1:
You talk a lot of shit for a man wearing a diaper.
I think I might’ve found this more funny if the Shaka costume looked like a diaper, which it doesn’t. It’s still mildly amusing, and OK for an opener.
I heard you had poison spit, where was it in this cypher?
Clever historical reference and pun.
Cause all I hear is threats from a brute with no discipline
Nice subtle Brutus reference that helps out an otherwise generic insult.
And I’m ruling over you like a boot full of my citizens!
ERB kinda already made a better boot joke in TMNT vs. Artists. This one’s OK, but as far as threats in this battle go this one’s not quite as strong as some of the others.
You should take your cow skin shield and hide under it!
Simple, funny pun. I like it.
You’re fucking with the most triumphant third of the Triumverate!
I’m first of the Empire and last of the Republicans,
Fact statey. Also makes me wish they made some kind of “Republican” joke referencing modern politics.
And hunting you, accompanied by legions of my countrymen!
Fits in a reference to African hunting and the famous “lend me your ears” quote, so I like it.
Ask my kidnappers if I’m just a shit talker,
This is pretty funny when you look up the whole story.
Doc J dunk on you like Boom Shakalaka!
I would’ve been very mad if they missed this reference. And it’s done well enough here.
So don’t go rattling your sticks at me!
If I wanted to shake spears, I’d waggle my biography!
I’m not really sure if the point of the line is to insult or boast or what. It’s clever though, so I’d still calll it a good line.
Overall: Very few below average lines, and a handful of pretty great lines. 9/10

Shaka Zulu-Round 2:
Right, I’ve heard of your play. Tell me, how does it end?
Oh yes! You get stabbed many times by your friends!
I was disappointed with this line. Destorm’s delivery helps it out, but they really could’ve made a better assassination joke than this.
So whatcha gonna do with your Roman swords?
When the lines of your legions get gored by the horns
Of the Zulu Warriors! Trained on thorns
There really aren’t enough jokes in these 3 lines.
To dismember any emperor’s pasty white hoards!
This is a bit more clever.
I got the strength of a lion and the speed of a cheetah!
Decent set up line.
And everyone knows you’re just a chicken, Caesar!
Pretty funny. The salad joke had to be done, and this was a cool way to do it.
Overall: This verse is really nothing special up until the very end. Definitely not enough to keep up with Caesar. 7.5/10

Julius Caesar-Round 2:
Oooh can I be a hyena? Cause I’m going to laugh!
This is a pretty great comeback. Gives me a real vibe of “is that all you got”.
I’ll pave roads with the bones of your goat-herding ass!
Nice Rome reference.
First my front lines will drop back and spank you in the chest,
Then I’ll decimate your horns, you can’t outflank the best!
Gives me a cool cinematic mental image, and there are some clever reference to some Roman military tactics too.
Let your reserves come at me, my ballista’s cocked and (Ready!)
Is it just me or is this a string of sexual innuendos? Since the reserves are referring to the “loins”. If so, I think this is one of the more intelligent sex jokes I’ve heard.
When I take (Aim!) I always keep my whole crew steady!
Not great on its own, but I think this is a pretty clever, cinematic way of setting up the finisher.
Because there’s no use in murdering you and your heathen.
You can grow my wheat for me after you’re beaten!
Damn, this is brutal. Makes fun of his mom’s death AND a slavery reference.
Overall: This verse is one of my favorites of the season. Lots of subtle references and then that one line at the end really sealing the battle off well. 9.5/10

Ungraded Stuff:
Idea-It’s alright, but I think it’s my least favorite match-up of the storm. When it was confirmed, it was kind of hard for me to really get hyped for it. It’s not the type of match-up you want to really share around and show people. I think Shaka vs. someone more modern and mainstream would’ve worked better, and Caesar could’ve gone against another historical giant. But it’s not a bad idea by any stretch, and it turned out great.
Presentation-Great mannerisms, great visual effects with the soldiers. Having them all look identical makes it look a bit less professional but a lot more funny. I was a bit uncomfortable at first with how they portrayed Caesar as a calm, collected genius and Shaka as kind of a loud brute, but I haven’t seen anyone offended by it, so I guess there’s nothing super wrong with it.

Overall: This one didn’t make a great first impression on me, I thought it was just because I didn’t know enough about them, and I was right. Once I looked up these lines, the battle slowly grew on me, and now I think it’s the best of the storm, just barely. It has some slow parts lyrically, but it’s still just a ton of fun to watch and listen to. 9/10

Shaka Zulu’s Worst Line: So whatcha gonna do with your Roman swords?
Shaka Zulu’s Best Line: If you cross that Equator, you'll head straight into a massacre
Julius Caesar’s Worst Line: I’m first of the Empire and last of the Republicans!
Julius Caesar’s Best Line: You can grow my wheat for me after you’re beaten!

Final Results:
Shaka Zulu: 16.5/20
Julius Caesar: 18.5/20

Total Score: 63.5/70

[Lohuydahutt]

I think I completely missed that possible joke about the "ballista" line. It would kind of explain those eye movements in the last line too :3

(Also there is some possible evidence that Julius may or may not have been gay/bi. Who knowwwwsssssssssss) :3

[Moonjik]

I think I completely missed that possible joke about the "ballista" line. It would kind of explain those eye movements in the last line too :3

(Also there is some possible evidence that Julius may or may not have been gay/bi. Who knowwwwsssssssssss) :3

You saying Juju popped a boner?

And apparently he got buffed boy King Nicomedes in his younger days

[BKTurner47]

Sorry to interrupt you, but can you at sometime review my Cogsworth vs The Chairman battle? (You can find it in the Mancha's Chizzling Guide). Thanks.

From, your former friend
Timmy Turner, or now, you can call me Bigkidrant3

[Lohuydahutt]

rebiew Kid A

like

all of it

[sane]

Review my favorite movie

PM me if you accept

[Poles]

Since you let me do this, I would like to reserve a review for an upcoming battle I'm writing. Thank you :3

[Samos]

An oldie: Can you review "Me vs Clemi", written by Wumbo (as me) and Gunnut (as Clemi)?
Linkerino

Spoiler: 

Hanako-Round 1:
Oh look what we have here, it's Sick Sick Clemi, the "Real Lime Shady" D:<
Kind of fillery, since it doesn’t really set up the next line in anyway.
When really all he does is pull his Oui Oui, because he can't get a lady o;
You're the king of self-obsessed, still raging over your boyfriend Brad OuO
And flipping out about "mod privilege", sounds like you need a Maxi Pad! x_x
3 funny references, but the jokes aren’t too original.
So go hide from LE DENTIST (Sambama: lol), LIKE YOUR PEOPLE USUALLY DO C:<
This is OK.
You don't mess with Izzy! I can get Dion, Wumby and Hisao to banhammer you! >w> (Dion: OOOHH)
Not really a joke, just a reference.
I bet you wanted to battle Zyroda, but I doubt you could even beat him u_u
When you lose to BBGUN, your chance of winning anything looks grim x3 ( Wumby: damn son)
Nice reference mixing here.
All your country is known for is fries and homophobia, don't forget D:
Generic France insult.
You'll need a ladder to climb to my swag level, you spambot baguette c: (Hisao: god damn)
Could kinda be used for anyone.
Score: 7.5/10

Clemi-Round 1:
Why don't we play un jeu ?
What do you do when you're a mod mais pas courageux?
You take off, take a break for deux semaines
Not really too much to these lines aside from the French.
You'll do the same when I rap, like le dentiste I bring pain
Pretty good comeback to the other dentist line.
I'll burn you like a bad batch of French Fries
Decent.
I'll strike le fear into your face's eyes.
Pretty good.
This forum noob don't stand a chance against me.
Feels pretty filler.
The better half of Teabaguette suggests that you flee. (Ranger: Flee!)
It’s a reference, but there isn’t really a joke about that reference, so it feels kinda thrown in.
Because by time this battle of our's has passed.
It'll be Hanako who'll be waving the white flag.
A bit predictable, but it works.
Score: 8/10

Hanako-Round 2:
You can't beat my kawaii, I spit sicknasty fires c;<
With the best art work videos that everyone admires! ;u;
References without jokes.
I'd photoshop your face to look less ugly, but I know it's impossible >w<
I think I’ve heard lines like this before, but I like this.
You might as well escargot, because this Sectional Goddess is unstoppable! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
ERB already did this pun, and this line doesn’t really put any twist on the original line.
You think you're green like a lime? You're more brown like an offender (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
I don’t really get what the line is trying to say. Is it a “brown kid” reference?
It's in your blood and culture, I won't be mad if you surrender! 凸(╹◡╹凸)
Clemi/Gunnut kinda got to the surrender joke first.
Score: 7/10

Clemi-Round 2:
Hon hon, is that le meilleur you have for moi?
Aside from the French, nothing big in this line.
I dominated a Hanako like she's a rap battle croissant.
”Dominating” a croissant doesn’t really make sense to me.
You come into chat, a face like c: c: c:
You step to me, get a face like :c 3: or D: ;-;
Pretty good, a bit similar to the previous joke maybe.
The battle's over maintenant, and the winner is moi.
Je suis Clemi, and J'ai tout la victoire
No references aside from the French.
Score: 7/10

Overall: Both sides were decent but had similar flaws. On Wumbo/Hanako’s side, it seemed like the lines were trying too much to fit the personality than to be clever lines on their own. It is pretty well done in that regard, but as a rap battle verse the lines are sometimes a bit predictable. On Gunnut/Clemi’s side, a lot of lines rely too much on the French, and when translated, they sound kind of fillery. Overall, lines were average to decent, but a lot of fun to read because of the personalities. 7/10

Hanako’s Worst Line: Oh look what we have here, it's Sick Sick Clemi, the "Real Lime Shady" D:<
Hanako’s Best Line: I'd photoshop your face to look less ugly, but I know it's impossible >w<
Clemi’s Worst Line: Why don't we play un jeu ?
Clemi’s Best Line: You'll do the same when I rap, like le dentiste I bring pain

Final Results:
Hanako: 14.5/20
Clemi: 15/20

Total Score: 36.5/50

[BKTurner47]

Hello. You may know me as Timmy Turner. Others may know me as ERBfan101. Anyways, can you review my Cogsworth vs the Chairman battle and (if you have time) review my Adolf Hitler & Joseph Goebells vs The Author and his Assistant (Gravity Falls & not revealing names due to EXTREME GF spoilers)

[GonadTheNomad]

So I can only win a battle by writing as somebody else.

Fun.