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Thread: Presidential Reviews

  1. #1771
    Samos's Avatar Super Moderator
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    Hey BKR, when you get the chance, could you explain this line to me?
    "You canít Sue me! Iíve beaten MOFA, and youíre all in The Middle of my big stage!"

    The capitalization makes me think there are references here, but I don't really get them and can't find them online.

    If you want me to review something of yours, click me.
    Spoiler: 


    We're all humans, we all make mistakes, but try to always keep the site rules in mind..

    Things on here I found funny:
    Spoiler: 
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambama
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    wumbo write anotherfanfic now
    have nice peter come in
    "it's nice peter bitches"
    ""and i'm going to give you all my NICE PETER"
    and then peter visits the forum
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by zyroda View Post
    there was a girl though once she told me she loved me she used to tell me that all the time
    she had this really adorable dog
    it was a boxer and it used to bark really loudly and throw howls in the night and never shut up and it kept her up and night before the big final exam

    and i just wanted her to do well on her exam so i shot the dog
    and all of a sudden im a bad guy

    and you don't love me anymore

    i'm so sorry i guess i never ever do a damn thing right

    everybody thinks i'm gonna cause problems

    nobody wants me with them cause they think i'm gonna do all this weird stuff that's gonna cause problems
    Quote Originally Posted by TDFE Confessional
    Quote Originally Posted by GonadtheNomad
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    SENT
    lies
    i never lie
    Honest Wumbabe
    Quote Originally Posted by SuperRapz
    Quote Originally Posted by Rocket
    Gogos are not 4 year old toys, they're a choking hazard.
    You Know What Else Is A Choking Hazard? My Penis. So you Better Stop Sucking On it So hard, Four Year Old. Make A New Thread For your Spam, You Stupid Bitch. We Try To have Fun Here. And Don't Jump On me About MLP, You Stupid little Fuck. Like YN Said, Go Get Tested Or Some Shit. I'm Tired Of Putting Up With You. Pie Licking Bitch, Go Shove A Pickle up Your Ass. Better Yet, A Banana.
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambaba
    http://aattp.org/conservative-christian-rewrote-harry-potter-so-her-kids-wont-turn-into-witches/
    I'm not reading past the title

    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Luther King, Jr.
    Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

  2. #1772
    BKTurner47's Avatar Bon Vivant of Violet
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samilton View Post
    Hey BKR, when you get the chance, could you explain this line to me?
    "You canít Sue me! Iíve beaten MOFA, and youíre all in The Middle of my big stage!"

    The capitalization makes me think there are references here, but I don't really get them and can't find them online.
    This line is actually what I think is a double entendre. Let me explain.

    Spoiler: 
    - When I say to the others "You can't Sue me", this is actually a reference to my first battle (which I won't release since it's very bad), MOFA v. The Middle. If you couldn't tell, there's a character in "The Middle" named Sue Heck. It's kind of a play on words.
    - Well, in the previous installment (The Terrifying Threequel), the first opponent I faced was MOFA, and I'm basically saying I beat him/her/it.
    - By "In The Middle of my big stage", it's another reference to my first battle, and a bit of a play on words.
    - By "big stage", it's basically me saying "get out everyone, it's my battle, and none of you are invited!"


    If you're confused by any other lines, feel free to ask!

  3. #1773
    Samos's Avatar Super Moderator
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    This battle is kind of crazy and the teams are all over the place, so I've stopped trying to "pick a winner", but here's the rest of my review of BKR's latest battle.
    Spoiler: 
    BKR3: Rock the microphone properly? You sound like a garbage disposal!
    Generic insult.
    Because thatís what you are, Walt! Everyone knows IíM THE REAL BIG MOGUL!
    Basic boast.

    Chao: I think you need to take a time-out from your raps against Walt.
    Letís not forget that this whole battle is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!
    Storytelling, without any added purpose.

    Smith: Yeah, to be honest, big kid, you act like a toddler with your tantrums.
    Funny.
    You ghost your users all the time! What are you, Danny Phantom?
    I like it.

    Bugeyes: I hate to break it to ya, but at times, you are a bit greedy.
    Maybe you should stop slaving on your raps and help the rappers who are needy!
    Pretty basic insults.

    Verse Overview: Two lines that are pretty good, and there arenít any really bad lines either. Like a 7.5.

    BKR3: (GRRR!!!)
    So thatís how itís going to turn out? My own teammates turn their backs against me?
    Iím the captain of this rebellion! What youíre doing counts as mutiny!
    More fact statey storytelling. Having to tell a story doesnít mean you canít make the lines still clever.
    You try to cover it up with scrutiny, although itís jam-packed with uncertainty!
    No references as far as I know.
    Iíve got fans across the forum all raving for me! Iíve practically got diplomatic immunity!
    Barely a reference, not really a joke.
    You canít Sue me! Iíve beaten MOFA, and youíre all in The Middle of my big stage!
    Pretty good string of references.
    Iím bringing home trophies and bringing home pride! Youíre bringing home tears that you shed in your cave!
    Starts off promising with a reference, the end of the line isnít that clever.
    A simple game canít match my fame! Leave now, Maxwell, you wonít forget my name!
    You rip off my ideas and say Iím to blame! By the end, youíll all be rolling in your graves!
    No real jokes that I can sense.

    Verse Overview: Not enough jokes. Like a 5.75-6.

    Chao: Youíve gone off the deep end, kid! Why else do you think we abandoned you?
    Basic opener.
    Bugeyes: You forgot the very point of this mission, and now youíre a royal fool!
    Basic insult.
    DirgeThurman: By the way, weíre supposed to beat Walt as a *TEAM!*
    TollandLee: This guyís not even following his dreams! Heís just speculating of jet fuel can melt steel beams!
    Couldíve made better jokes about these references, they feel more like mentions.
    Smith: While weíre here dissing him, letís focus in on all his battles!
    Max: Pitting this Faller against Ford Pines? Do whatís best and skedaddle!
    Promising reference, but then thereís no real joke about the reference.
    Chao: I mean, youíve Barryíd a Bully,
    Bugeyes: With your own bare hands!
    Max: Oh my!
    You already made this joke in a previous battle.
    All: Youíve sold out to your fans so much, youíre like the next Pewdiepie!
    Not terrible, but the wording throws it off. Selling out TO your fans doesnít really make sense, the whole idea of selling out is that it hurts your fans.

    Verse Overview: Also lacking in real humor. Around a 5.

    Walt Disney: The teamís foundation is crushed! Their rebellionís a fail!
    They lost their sole purpose, and now theyíre nothing but a fairy tail!
    I hope this is a reference to Disneyís fairy tales. In which case itís pretty good.
    BKR, how does it feel to be the head of a failed mission?
    Nothing? Well, my good partnerís going to change thisÖ
    Meh, more bland storytelling.

    Verse Overview: One good storytelling line. Like a 6.75 or 7.

    Keemstar: Our first story tonight is about a big kid tyrant.
    Very subtle pun, I like it a lot.
    Heís got a lot of money, but he hogs it like a bitch!
    Basic insult.
    It seems that heís brought his friends, but theyíve turned on him!
    He looks visibly angry, and he might as well burn on them!
    But enough with that kid, letís focus in on me!
    No real jokes.
    I can turn the greatest of friends into heartless enemies!
    Kinda fitting for this battle.
    Leafy tried to stop me, but I left him hissing!
    Kinda fact statey.
    Leafíd him with a broken arm, sent him back to the kitchen!
    Funny.
    PewDiePie tried to bring me down, so, I exposed his whole show!
    Broke the chains of hope on all his seven-year old Bros!
    Again, fact statey.
    Iím the Commander-in-Chief of a Drama Alert Nation!
    Not brilliant but kind of a cool boast.
    Iím a name that is feared all throughout the internet nation!
    Generic boast. And rhymes nation with nation, which isnít good.
    Youíre not even known! Youíre just an ERB clone!
    Very obvious insult, but itís almost so obvious that it kinda works. As in, I donít think itís something most people would even think about in writing it.
    Stuck in his basement eating Doritoís since heís forever alone!
    Generic.
    This white kidís a Starbuckís scone, a kiddie ice cream cone!
    Seems like it could be used against any white person.
    Any celeb who tries to pick with me is left with no bones!
    I get the reference to ďa bone to pickĒ, but itís not a very specific reference.

    Verse Overview: A few lines I like, but still mostly basic lines. 7.25ish.

    Oh, so it seems the egomaniacs tried to stop me.
    A power-hungry kid, and a teen in a dogís body!
    Basic insults.
    You tried to jump the gun, but Iím holding the trigger!
    Could be used against pretty much anyone.
    Yo, everyone type in the chat ďSir Max is a stupid ******!Ē
    Probably couldíve been a better joke about this reference.

    BKR: If you want to make America great, then you need to get out!
    This is actually pretty clever. Surprised I havenít heard any jokes along these lines before.
    Max: This hate-baristaís sanityís dropping,
    All (Rebellion): Just like his sub count!
    Nice.

    Keemstar: Max wants to bring war to the world? Well, then fuck you! Have it!
    Kind of a subtle reference to Hitler being in this series before, I like it.
    This revolution canít stop my team,
    Walt: We already
    Both: *DOMINATE THE PLANET!*
    Not brilliant, but a pretty good ERB reference.

    Overall Battle: I think this whole lore youíve created for this series is awesome, and these battles are entertaining enough just because I have no idea what or who is going to come out next. Lyrically, thereís definitely an increasing number of strong lines. I still feel like there are a lot of kinda filler-y lines that give this battle a bit of a ďquantity over qualityĒ feeling. But itís still definitely one of your better battles overall. 35.75/50

    If you want me to review something of yours, click me.
    Spoiler: 


    We're all humans, we all make mistakes, but try to always keep the site rules in mind..

    Things on here I found funny:
    Spoiler: 
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambama
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    wumbo write anotherfanfic now
    have nice peter come in
    "it's nice peter bitches"
    ""and i'm going to give you all my NICE PETER"
    and then peter visits the forum
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by zyroda View Post
    there was a girl though once she told me she loved me she used to tell me that all the time
    she had this really adorable dog
    it was a boxer and it used to bark really loudly and throw howls in the night and never shut up and it kept her up and night before the big final exam

    and i just wanted her to do well on her exam so i shot the dog
    and all of a sudden im a bad guy

    and you don't love me anymore

    i'm so sorry i guess i never ever do a damn thing right

    everybody thinks i'm gonna cause problems

    nobody wants me with them cause they think i'm gonna do all this weird stuff that's gonna cause problems
    Quote Originally Posted by TDFE Confessional
    Quote Originally Posted by GonadtheNomad
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    SENT
    lies
    i never lie
    Honest Wumbabe
    Quote Originally Posted by SuperRapz
    Quote Originally Posted by Rocket
    Gogos are not 4 year old toys, they're a choking hazard.
    You Know What Else Is A Choking Hazard? My Penis. So you Better Stop Sucking On it So hard, Four Year Old. Make A New Thread For your Spam, You Stupid Bitch. We Try To have Fun Here. And Don't Jump On me About MLP, You Stupid little Fuck. Like YN Said, Go Get Tested Or Some Shit. I'm Tired Of Putting Up With You. Pie Licking Bitch, Go Shove A Pickle up Your Ass. Better Yet, A Banana.
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambaba
    http://aattp.org/conservative-christian-rewrote-harry-potter-so-her-kids-wont-turn-into-witches/
    I'm not reading past the title

    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Luther King, Jr.
    Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

  4. #1774
    Samos's Avatar Super Moderator
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    Review of the next Suit of Space chapter.
    Spoiler: 
    -"No afterlife"? Seems a little unnecessarily dark.
    -Interesting choice having the letter from the Dark Lord be read AFTER his death, instead of before to build up his evilness. I kinda like it, it allows for a different kind of narration.
    -This episode generally seems to have a kind of religious, death-theme. I like hearing about religions of fictional cultures, so I think it's cool.
    -When Time says "And you", it's not 100% clear who he's talking to
    -I like all the philosophizing in this chapter.
    -Video for this chapter is down now due to copyright, might want to do something about that
    -I legitimately wasn't expecting the return of the Dark Lord coming. I feel like I should have, but I didn't, which I guess is the mark of a good twist.
    -Nice cliffhanger, can't wait to read the next chapter.

    If you want me to review something of yours, click me.
    Spoiler: 


    We're all humans, we all make mistakes, but try to always keep the site rules in mind..

    Things on here I found funny:
    Spoiler: 
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambama
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    wumbo write anotherfanfic now
    have nice peter come in
    "it's nice peter bitches"
    ""and i'm going to give you all my NICE PETER"
    and then peter visits the forum
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by zyroda View Post
    there was a girl though once she told me she loved me she used to tell me that all the time
    she had this really adorable dog
    it was a boxer and it used to bark really loudly and throw howls in the night and never shut up and it kept her up and night before the big final exam

    and i just wanted her to do well on her exam so i shot the dog
    and all of a sudden im a bad guy

    and you don't love me anymore

    i'm so sorry i guess i never ever do a damn thing right

    everybody thinks i'm gonna cause problems

    nobody wants me with them cause they think i'm gonna do all this weird stuff that's gonna cause problems
    Quote Originally Posted by TDFE Confessional
    Quote Originally Posted by GonadtheNomad
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    SENT
    lies
    i never lie
    Honest Wumbabe
    Quote Originally Posted by SuperRapz
    Quote Originally Posted by Rocket
    Gogos are not 4 year old toys, they're a choking hazard.
    You Know What Else Is A Choking Hazard? My Penis. So you Better Stop Sucking On it So hard, Four Year Old. Make A New Thread For your Spam, You Stupid Bitch. We Try To have Fun Here. And Don't Jump On me About MLP, You Stupid little Fuck. Like YN Said, Go Get Tested Or Some Shit. I'm Tired Of Putting Up With You. Pie Licking Bitch, Go Shove A Pickle up Your Ass. Better Yet, A Banana.
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambaba
    http://aattp.org/conservative-christian-rewrote-harry-potter-so-her-kids-wont-turn-into-witches/
    I'm not reading past the title

    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Luther King, Jr.
    Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

  5. #1775
    Katz's Avatar Ladybug Pajamas
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samilton View Post
    Review of the next Suit of Space chapter.
    Spoiler: 
    -"No afterlife"? Seems a little unnecessarily dark.
    -Interesting choice having the letter from the Dark Lord be read AFTER his death, instead of before to build up his evilness. I kinda like it, it allows for a different kind of narration.
    -This episode generally seems to have a kind of religious, death-theme. I like hearing about religions of fictional cultures, so I think it's cool.
    -When Time says "And you", it's not 100% clear who he's talking to
    -I like all the philosophizing in this chapter.
    -Video for this chapter is down now due to copyright, might want to do something about that
    -I legitimately wasn't expecting the return of the Dark Lord coming. I feel like I should have, but I didn't, which I guess is the mark of a good twist.
    -Nice cliffhanger, can't wait to read the next chapter.
    Oh fuck really?

    The cliffhanger music is the piano before Cynthia from Pokemon DPPT.

    Hey, I'm Katz, and I'm a former Global Moderator! Always here to talk! If you haven't already, register an account!


    In my island of dreams, you are with me it seems

  6. #1776
    Samos's Avatar Super Moderator
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    Here's my review of the short film YN wanted me to review, called Midori - Shoujo Tsubaki. I'm not linking it here because it has some NSFW images of nudity and sexual violence. Doing this in parts because it's really long, so this is my review of the Prologue (0:00-5:28).
    Spoiler: 
    -I like the drawings at the beginning a lot.
    -When the actual video starts, it's a little unappealing at first. All the yelling and random short clips in seemingly no order, it just doesn't sit well with me.
    -I like the voice acting a lot.
    -The exposition at the beginning is REALLY fast-paced. A lot to squeeze into the first, like, 2 or 3 minutes.
    -The animation style is weird, the whole thing with the mouths moving is a little unusual, but I don't find it too distracting.
    -For a prologue, this overall works pretty well. It doesn't need to be super well-paced or character-developed yet, it just needs to explain the backstory clearly, which it does.

    If you want me to review something of yours, click me.
    Spoiler: 


    We're all humans, we all make mistakes, but try to always keep the site rules in mind..

    Things on here I found funny:
    Spoiler: 
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambama
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    wumbo write anotherfanfic now
    have nice peter come in
    "it's nice peter bitches"
    ""and i'm going to give you all my NICE PETER"
    and then peter visits the forum
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by zyroda View Post
    there was a girl though once she told me she loved me she used to tell me that all the time
    she had this really adorable dog
    it was a boxer and it used to bark really loudly and throw howls in the night and never shut up and it kept her up and night before the big final exam

    and i just wanted her to do well on her exam so i shot the dog
    and all of a sudden im a bad guy

    and you don't love me anymore

    i'm so sorry i guess i never ever do a damn thing right

    everybody thinks i'm gonna cause problems

    nobody wants me with them cause they think i'm gonna do all this weird stuff that's gonna cause problems
    Quote Originally Posted by TDFE Confessional
    Quote Originally Posted by GonadtheNomad
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    SENT
    lies
    i never lie
    Honest Wumbabe
    Quote Originally Posted by SuperRapz
    Quote Originally Posted by Rocket
    Gogos are not 4 year old toys, they're a choking hazard.
    You Know What Else Is A Choking Hazard? My Penis. So you Better Stop Sucking On it So hard, Four Year Old. Make A New Thread For your Spam, You Stupid Bitch. We Try To have Fun Here. And Don't Jump On me About MLP, You Stupid little Fuck. Like YN Said, Go Get Tested Or Some Shit. I'm Tired Of Putting Up With You. Pie Licking Bitch, Go Shove A Pickle up Your Ass. Better Yet, A Banana.
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambaba
    http://aattp.org/conservative-christian-rewrote-harry-potter-so-her-kids-wont-turn-into-witches/
    I'm not reading past the title

    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Luther King, Jr.
    Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

  7. #1777
    Moonjik's Avatar Fine Red Wine
    Join Date
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    Please review FDR's presidency.

    But before you do, can you review my poems?

    Spoiler: 
    Ghost of Eden

    I gather in the moonbleached shrubs
    In search of our love, our loss that fell
    Against the will of us all.

    Top of Form
    I sense I still sense you in the ghost of Eden
    The garden pathways meander
    Away out of sight into the mist
    As pale as forgotten memories
    Longing to be real once again.
    My mind walks down these paths
    Along rows of planted echoes
    With thorns so soft they cut deeper
    Than the sharpest knives staining the soil
    Until the sown seeds are drowned in red
    And the trees with bloodied hands
    Hide their eyes
    From all worldly visitors.

    Yet your home is now these wilting beds
    A poor imitation of perfection
    A discarded shadow serving to remind
    What we, all of we, cast to the underbelly;
    And sought in a world that was never ours.

    Orpheus descending into Hades
    But there is no music here
    No sound, no silence
    The lyre begot bravery
    Still I come to you.

    All roads lead to Rome
    All veins to the heart
    All thoughts to you.

    Eden is the garden where
    Nothing but sorrow grows
    Where the lifeless trees
    Bear bitter fruit that ripen
    Forbidden with the burden of departure.

    And deep within the orchard’s core
    Your spectre waits with baited breath
    A shallow shade that shares your face
    A whisper through the leaves so faint;
    ‘Come rendezvous with me’
    In the ghost of Eden, beneath the willow trees.

    The Green Man

    Stiller than a whisper;
    The faint sylvan sounds of a pan flute
    Echo across the breeze.
    Going, going is the fleetest spring
    Every footfall a fountain of fertility
    As he darts through the undergrowth
    To a realm greener than our envy
    When we look upon its brilliant bounty.

    The wealth of the earth leaches upwards
    To feed our belligerent grain,
    A thankless weed with each passing season
    Grows in hatred and ego as
    The ugliest reflection of
    Narcissus.
    As he gazes upon this world we left
    Where men can sprout as tall as trees
    With no fear of returning to the ground.

    Tall men and trees are cut
    This is known.

    Hanged men in the hanging gardens
    Sway from the trees in the sickly-sweet breeze
    That smells of azaleas in bloom
    And rotting meat.
    The birds peck out their eyes
    Lick the sap that covers their bodies
    While singing the song of
    Forgotten forget-me-nots

    Before they fly back to him.

    He is rooted to the trunk
    Of a great giving oak;
    A mane of leaves and tangled histories
    His eyes
    His eyes are so old, so wise
    And they are weeping.
    Only then do I see
    The axe, like a thorn in his side
    A wound which waters the earth
    I watch, green blood on my hands
    As the wilderness moans.

    Astrophobia

    The starry ceiling of the heavens bore relentless
    Upon her bowed and bent back.
    A stygian cage where dreams, shattered constellations
    Broken so no sculptor’s hand could reconstruct them
    Or no poet’s pen could put her pain,
    Her slow singularity of feeling
    To words.

    The streaking comet of love,
    How she laughed at the notion of making a wish,
    Burned up in the atmosphere of a thousand suns;
    It’s residual gravity still more potent
    Than the strength of creation
    Of destruction
    Of preservation.

    She sleeps with him close at hand
    Her partner in navigating this abyss where
    Love once flourished.
    Now he cares more for the blackness that surrounds them
    Than the blackness smudged around her eye –
    The eye of the galactic storm –
    Where the tears he caused used to flow.

    Rogue chips of polish orbit his conscious
    Polish from her nails as she clawed the fabric of eternity
    Yearning to escape from this purgatory
    This self-imposed torture where
    Loneliness arose from company
    And begot misery.

    How foolish they were, she thought, to believe
    They could traverse the primordial void that had rendered
    Coupled souls afore them to nothing more than dust.
    The typical vanity that so accompanied love –
    The same vanity that inspired man to walk on the moon
    And reach for the stars when they shine so far away.

    Weeping, every iota becomes dense
    Straining to feel at his touch;
    Her nose, throat, eyes, lungs
    Fill with the debris from countless planets
    That make up her damaged being
    Searching desperately for space.

    Olympus

    He stood atop the mountain’s crest
    Storms adrift around his feet
    The stars etched wars fought eras ago
    An astral crown ringing his head
    The peak, scraping the heavens, his throne.

    From his summit he saw the whole earth;
    Vast and vibrant stretching to the horizon
    He conquered it –
    Without a sword, or a pen or nary a word
    He mounted the world with his own two hands.

    His mountain was his triumph
    A sculpted claw reaching ever upwards
    Striking the sky into two
    Casting the globe below
    Into the light of his shadow.

    Near and far they brought him stones
    Scores to build his seat higher
    Until he broke through the clouds.
    They could not see his face
    They could not hear his words.

    In folly he bellowed
    “I am a god”
    And went down to see them.

    His name was forgotten
    Before he finished his descent.

    The Artist

    He took a long-lazy drag of His thin cigarette
    Seeing in that sensual smoke the purest form of the
    Human soul—His soul
    And He set about sketching it with a blunt-tipped pencil.
    The canvas, worn and course, was His to make beautiful yet
    His drawing was an ugly echo of the perfect, Platonic original;
    A poor novice copy—rough and raw at the edges.
    He looked again and He cursed
    As the smoke had gone.

    All around Him lay forgotten projects
    Gathering the dust of oblivion,
    Works from which he expected no, nor wished for,
    Any songs of praise or exaltation.
    Scattered paintings, drawings and ideas He abandoned
    To become the architect of a watercolour universe.

    He started with the void—
    The black portrait of his apathy.
    He filled the darkness haphazardly with slapdash shapes,
    Heavenly bodies
    To reflect His unheavenly sins, His idle pastimes.
    He feathered the brush to create the soft stars,
    Virtues blinking in and out of existence.

    The paradise found was rich in steadfast trees,
    In rivers that ran like veins to the world's end,
    In mountains that held up the vast sky.
    He populated the trees, the rivers, the skies,
    The earth with creatures great and small
    As best as he could remember from the smoke.
    Then he painted himself
    Ignorant and naked and flat—
    Perfect in imperfection.
    He perfumed the canvas with the precious scent of sunlight
    So he could see Himself in His work.

    Finished, at last He said
    'Let there be light!'
    And left the piece to rot in a dusty corner of night.

    Trainthoughting

    A wormlike metal behemoth barrels down
    The omnipresent, unceasing tracks he knows day after day;
    A godless ritual admired only for punctuality—
    These makers give no thought to much else,
    Lest he desire to flee their determined route and soar
    To which they curse and holler at him for his dream of liberty.

    He should be grateful to these creatures in his gut,
    Who stitched him from the metals deep within the ground
    Who light fires in his head and feed him black rocks
    Who confine him to the rails and ride him for their own ends.
    He should be grateful to these creatures in his gut,
    Who made him a monster.

    His static journey along these skeletal roads nourish him with
    Views of freedom that shall never be tasted.
    Green hills once home to the ores of his brothers—
    Until they came to tear the mineral souls from the rocks
    Drilling their holes into the mountainside,
    Extracting the earth's bounty to nourish their pride
    Until the land is an empty shell;
    And with the railroads a new cage for the countryside
    The bastards took the shell as well.

    With a groan he comes to a laboured stop
    In a land of cracked grey cement.
    He shudders open, watching the contents of his body spew out
    And more spew in.
    He should consider himself lucky however
    Unlike the parasites that crawl in and out his ribcage
    For who, unlike he, have an illusion of free will
    An illusion they paint into reality.
    Do they not travel these lines as he does?
    See the same views as he does?
    Long for the same freedom he does?

    With a sharp twisting in his bowels
    They tear these thoughts from him
    With a volcanic belch.
    He is surrounded, once again, by darkness
    Empty at last save for
    His final and perpetual thoughts of solitude.

    In some ways
    Flesh, blood and bone
    Are colder and harder than steel.
    But,░in░truth,░I░have░wept░too░much!░Dawns░are░hea rtbreaking.
    Ξvery░moon░is░atrocious░and░every░sun░bitter. (ュ だ  どいロリラ威萎虞う ャイ意営縁ぇヵ)

    Quote Originally Posted by Juiz
    moon you're hurting me in ways you'll never even know. lets do that suicide, buddy.

  8. #1778
    BKTurner47's Avatar Bon Vivant of Violet
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    That's none of your business!
    Posts
    3,722
    Can you review "Chocolate with Nuts"? It's my favorite Spongebob episode!

  9. #1779
    Samos's Avatar Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Maryland, United States
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    My review of Suit of Space Finale 3/5.
    Spoiler: 
    -OH FUCK THAT DARK LORD REVEAL. THAT IS A BADASS VILLAIN REVEAL HIS ONE-LINER ABOUT NEEDING MORE TIME OH FUCK AWESOME
    -The fight scenes are exciting and Liam's villain monologuing is pretty well done.
    -Well, some of the villain monologuing is a little cliche, as well as some of the Grand Elder monologue, but only a little.
    -There's not too much I'm finding myself able to say about this chapter because it's just all so exciting and dramatic and flows together.
    -The ending really intrigues me. Where can the story go from here? What does it mean that Amy can speak about her death?

    If you want me to review something of yours, click me.
    Spoiler: 


    We're all humans, we all make mistakes, but try to always keep the site rules in mind..

    Things on here I found funny:
    Spoiler: 
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambama
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    wumbo write anotherfanfic now
    have nice peter come in
    "it's nice peter bitches"
    ""and i'm going to give you all my NICE PETER"
    and then peter visits the forum
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by zyroda View Post
    there was a girl though once she told me she loved me she used to tell me that all the time
    she had this really adorable dog
    it was a boxer and it used to bark really loudly and throw howls in the night and never shut up and it kept her up and night before the big final exam

    and i just wanted her to do well on her exam so i shot the dog
    and all of a sudden im a bad guy

    and you don't love me anymore

    i'm so sorry i guess i never ever do a damn thing right

    everybody thinks i'm gonna cause problems

    nobody wants me with them cause they think i'm gonna do all this weird stuff that's gonna cause problems
    Quote Originally Posted by TDFE Confessional
    Quote Originally Posted by GonadtheNomad
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    SENT
    lies
    i never lie
    Honest Wumbabe
    Quote Originally Posted by SuperRapz
    Quote Originally Posted by Rocket
    Gogos are not 4 year old toys, they're a choking hazard.
    You Know What Else Is A Choking Hazard? My Penis. So you Better Stop Sucking On it So hard, Four Year Old. Make A New Thread For your Spam, You Stupid Bitch. We Try To have Fun Here. And Don't Jump On me About MLP, You Stupid little Fuck. Like YN Said, Go Get Tested Or Some Shit. I'm Tired Of Putting Up With You. Pie Licking Bitch, Go Shove A Pickle up Your Ass. Better Yet, A Banana.
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambaba
    http://aattp.org/conservative-christian-rewrote-harry-potter-so-her-kids-wont-turn-into-witches/
    I'm not reading past the title

    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Luther King, Jr.
    Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

  10. #1780
    Samos's Avatar Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Maryland, United States
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    7,164
    Blog Entries
    32
    Here's my review of Tacohero's King Arthur vs. Link.
    Spoiler: 
    King Arthur:
    Round 1:
    Huzzah! An overrated video game character
    Pretty basic reference, not much of a joke.
    steps forth to fight, and become my next rhyming perisher.
    Basic threat, missing a reference as far as I know.
    You may be a Hyruler, but I'm the high ruler.
    This is a good pun, I like this line a lot.
    Both you and your raps are weak, you're the fire fueler.
    Not too much of a reference.
    I rap at you imperiously, feel my lyrical tyranny
    Pretty good, although pretty much any kinglike person could use these lines.
    You fool around and go smashing pots, while I take my job seriously.
    Could’ve been a better joke about this reference. It feels like you just threw in the reference and didn’t make full use of the reference.
    It takes hours upon hours, for you to complete a single task.
    True, but a little fact statey.
    Don't get me started on your face and ears, you should put on Majora's Mask.
    Nice.
    An evil wizard takes your girl, every time you turn your back, fool
    I mean there should really be better security at that castle.
    Not really insulting Link.
    My name is on a pedestal right next to the Great from Pella.
    Not really a specific reference to Arthur.
    I forget your name. It's um... Um... I remember now, it's Zelda!
    Funny, but kind of an obvious joke and I’ve kinda heard it before. Could’ve been more creative with this joke.

    Verse Overview: 7-7.5. There are one or two lines I think are really good but a lot of them aren’t as creative as they could be.

    Round 2:
    Hey! Excuuuuuuuuse me, princess! You're a prissy little midget who can't defend when I finish you in a spar of fencing
    Excuse me princess reference is funny, rest of the line is pretty basic insulting.
    Yes, you have the Master Sword, but I'm the sword master.
    Nice.
    The rock was better enemy, from which I pulled Excalibur.
    Pretty decent reference.
    I was given the quest from God to find an item that was magic
    Fact statey.
    How would you put your puny little fairy against my wizard and match it?
    Fun little comparison, not really a joke but clever.
    Let's go toe to toe, then you'll know you'll not be stopping me, now
    Seems like a filler line.
    Then, I'll see your princess, she'll wanna play songs on my Ocarina
    Pretty good sex joke.
    I'm a mighty legend across all the lands, known for my fighting
    Generic boast.
    You're a character that flops, Nintendo has to keep retrying
    Generic insults.

    Verse Overview: Even more lines I really like in this verse. 8.5.

    Overall: 15/20

    Link:
    Round 1:
    You think you're the mightiest rapper in your attempt be dissing me?
    Generic opener.
    Looking for the perfect battler, you've found the missing Link.
    Nice pun.
    Looking for worthiest challenger, I'm here to take the crown
    Pretty good, if this is a reference to what I think it is.
    Gather the knights at your table, and I'll win every round
    Nice, kinda subtle, I like it..
    My first move, Mr. Hogs the Cam a Lot
    Good.
    I shoot my raps like an arrow through Lancelot.
    Not super clever.
    'Cause he should've been the very one man you slaught,
    he went and gave Guinevere his lance a lot.
    Funny.
    Call me Mordred, I mortally wound you as I'm storming your palace
    Decent reference.
    I took a quest for a damsel in distress, while you took one for a chalice.
    A little fact statey.
    I would continue to put my sword in you with much malice,
    but I defeated the demon Ganondorf, you're not even a challenge.
    Also fact statey.

    Verse Overview: Strong, a handful of weak lines but a decent amount of strong lines. 8.75ish probably.

    Round 2:
    Galahad was the only one that found what you're looking for
    Fact statey.
    You still making feeble attempts, so, let me Tri-Force
    Good.
    I cringe at your raps, like I did at your Monty Python movie
    Maybe could’ve been a better Monty Python joke but this is pretty good.
    I'll smash your Grail, and I'll collect the rupees
    Clever, good mixing of refereences.
    The battle was over the second I pressed start
    Good video game reference.
    I throw a rap grenade at the ugly piece of Art
    Nice, took me a second.
    I'm a peacemaker(piece maker), I'm tearing down the wall of Merlin
    Good.
    I say Knight, Knight! When, you see my four swords unfurling.
    Eh, feel like references without jokes.
    You made a decent story, and they told it well,
    but this boss battle against me was a Holy Fail
    Very straightforward, but I think it works.

    Verse Overview: Great verse. Probably a 9, or at least 8.75.

    Overall: 17.75/20

    Overall Battle: For a first battle, this is really really good. Lots of really funny and clever disses. There’s still too much filler, and a lot of the references aren’t really jokes, but a lot of these jokes really pay off.

    King Arthur’s Worst Line: Steps forth to fight, and become my next rhyming perisher.
    Line just feels a little pointless.
    King Arthur’s Best Line: Don't get me started on your face and ears, you should put on Majora's Mask.
    This is clever, insulting, and a good reference. Honorable mentions are High Ruler and Ocarina.
    Link’s Worst Line: You think you're the mightiest rapper in your attempt be dissing me?
    Try to cut down on lines like this in the future. Ideally, you want every line to have something clever in it.
    Link’s Best Line: Gather the knights at your table, and I’ll win every round
    My favorite pun of the bunch. Honorable mentions are missing link, hogs the cam a lot, Triforce, and piece of Art.

    Total Score: 32.75/40

    If you want me to review something of yours, click me.
    Spoiler: 


    We're all humans, we all make mistakes, but try to always keep the site rules in mind..

    Things on here I found funny:
    Spoiler: 
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambama
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    wumbo write anotherfanfic now
    have nice peter come in
    "it's nice peter bitches"
    ""and i'm going to give you all my NICE PETER"
    and then peter visits the forum
    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by zyroda View Post
    there was a girl though once she told me she loved me she used to tell me that all the time
    she had this really adorable dog
    it was a boxer and it used to bark really loudly and throw howls in the night and never shut up and it kept her up and night before the big final exam

    and i just wanted her to do well on her exam so i shot the dog
    and all of a sudden im a bad guy

    and you don't love me anymore

    i'm so sorry i guess i never ever do a damn thing right

    everybody thinks i'm gonna cause problems

    nobody wants me with them cause they think i'm gonna do all this weird stuff that's gonna cause problems
    Quote Originally Posted by TDFE Confessional
    Quote Originally Posted by GonadtheNomad
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Wumbo
    SENT
    lies
    i never lie
    Honest Wumbabe
    Quote Originally Posted by SuperRapz
    Quote Originally Posted by Rocket
    Gogos are not 4 year old toys, they're a choking hazard.
    You Know What Else Is A Choking Hazard? My Penis. So you Better Stop Sucking On it So hard, Four Year Old. Make A New Thread For your Spam, You Stupid Bitch. We Try To have Fun Here. And Don't Jump On me About MLP, You Stupid little Fuck. Like YN Said, Go Get Tested Or Some Shit. I'm Tired Of Putting Up With You. Pie Licking Bitch, Go Shove A Pickle up Your Ass. Better Yet, A Banana.
    Quote Originally Posted by PolarBore
    Quote Originally Posted by Sambaba
    http://aattp.org/conservative-christian-rewrote-harry-potter-so-her-kids-wont-turn-into-witches/
    I'm not reading past the title

    Quote Originally Posted by Martin Luther King, Jr.
    Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

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